I've always had issues with depression and anxiety ever since I was young. And it's really kept me from being able to enjoy anything. I notice though that it always peaks in the summer. I always hit some rut in the summer and I just can't figure out why. I try everything I can to make it better. Meditation, quality time with Cayle, time for myself, relaxation,lots of coffee, doing things to give myself peace of mind. But nothing works. I am still on edge all the time. I've been crying and not sleeping more this summer than I have in a very long time. And it really kills me to admit this because it makes me feel like a bad mother who can't deal with life. Almost like a crazy person. In my reality I KNOW that isn't true, but in my anxiety based reality I feel like a mad woman. And I don't really know how to explain myself other than I've suppressed the depression and dealt with the anxiety for years and it's made it's way to the surface.
Everything is a trigger. I went to the mall for the first time since I left Regis Hair Salon. And my heart raced when I walked in. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I felt my chest get tight. I had a panic about me. I can't be left alone at night without feeling trapped in my thoughts and worries. Part of me just wants to sleep constantly so I don't have to deal with anything that is bothering me. And the other half of me can't sleep at night. I've slept maybe 12-18 hours this week.
I am socially torn as well. I WANT to be able to do things with friends or family or whoever because part of me is sick of being alone all the time. Cayle and I go out and do things together all the time. But a 3 year old can only be so much company after a while. But the other side of me WANTS to be left alone. And whenever people talk to me (my family especially) I get pissed off and defensive. It's hard for me to want to go out and be around others. I don't enjoy going out with Cayle on the weekends because it is so crowded or loud. And that's not fair to him. I don't want people around me. I want to be left alone in whatever I was doing. It's this way all the time and I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a crazy person sometimes..I really do. I should be happy and worry free, and able to deal with problems head on.
I'm always worrying about the future. Money, job, moving out, making it on my own, relationships, motherhood, future events, and whatever else may be passing through my mind. It goes about a million miles a minute in all different directions. And it's hard to not get consumed by it. Money is always going to be a worry. I've come to understand this. Moving out is becoming more and more necessary by the day. Each day that goes by I feel more and more mediocre. I go work. I come home. Spend time with Cayle. Go to sleep in a dirty dusty basement where I have no personal space and nowhere to put my things. Nowhere to entertain friends if I had them. I don't even feel comfortable having Cayle down here. And he's been wanting to sleep with me at night. And that's hard when the only thing I want to do at night is lay down and cry. And wake up the next day to do it all over again. Ryan and I have had a first fight. Not even a fight..more like brutal honesty which has made me back away from him and now I'm a nervous wreck because of it. Which definitely doesn't make the situation any better. Don't know where we stand.. don't know with my mentality if I can get past it. Having my feelings dragged through the mud since I was 16 doesn't make it any better. The one man I find that doesn't want to hurt me says some things that hurt me and I want to run for the hills...or at least back up so I don't get my heart broken..and it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to be truly happy and unafraid of letting someone in completely. I just don't know where to turn.. I don't really speak to much of anyone anymore. Regis killed my social life. And now that I'm at a job where I am on a schedule where I could have a life if I wanted one I realize I don't have anyone to have a social life with. So I sit at home Fridays and Saturdays. Maybe go to Ryan's after Cayle is in bed but other than that I don't do anything. I take Cayle somewhere special a few times a month to try to make the most of our time together. No matter how bad I feel..I always try to put Cayle first. It just seems like everything emotionally has caught up to me and I'm backed into a corner.
I've considered therapy and thought that it could possibly help me..but telling my parents that I want to go talk to a therapist is terrifying because they will blow it out of the water. Worrying about me or whatever it may be. Then The social part of this whole thing will get worse. They will not leave me alone if I tell them I want therapy. And that will make me angry and the whole deal will blow up. And I'm just not ready to deal with that...I can't. I'm at wit's end as it is. Back at the end of 2009 I was on medicine for depression for 2 months and I quit taking them because I felt like being on medication would turn me into a zombie and Cayle would have a piece of crap for a mother too. He already had a crappy sperm donor..he doesn't need a crappy mother too. I don't want that for him. I want to be able to give him everything and be happy for him during the process. That alone just seems to be getting harder and harder. And I just have to put on a happy front for him..but I feel like when he gets older..he will realize his mother isn't happy and start to question it all. And I really want to fix this before it gets worse. But how can I? My parents don't respect me. I'm on their insurance. So I'd have to go through them if I wanted therapy. And that's not happening. I've tried natural remedies for depression and anxiety and that doesn't work. It knocks off the edge but it's still there.
Where can I go from here?
