Just an update on everything. :)

I haven't posted in a while and I apologize. I've been very busy. School is getting good. I have my own station at school so I can work on clients that come in to get their hair done. I've had my first couple clients. One was a little girl && I cut her hair. One was a lady who wanted her hair wrapped. SHE WAS SOOO RUDE. My dad came in to show some support and got a hair cut. And one of the girls at school chose me to do her red highlights. I'm making some tips and I'm going to attempt to put 1/2
of them towards christmas gifts. At least stocking stuffers. Cayle's party is this saturday. I'm very excited. I've asked someone to come and take pictures at the party. She charges 15 dollars and I get a cd with all the pictures on them. I got all his presents I'd wanted to get him now its time to shop for Christmas. I swear, sometimes it feels like I never slow down. Hahah. Adam and I are doing great. We're still planning the wedding and coming up with alot of ideas. Surprisingly, my mom wants to get involved and help me look for a dress. Adam is getting out of his apartment lease and moving back in with his grandparents. Financially it'll be really good for him. Living with his roommate was getting too hard on him && annoying to me. I can't stand his roommate. He insults me when I'm not around to hear it. He's called me fat && said he wouldnt let me cut his hair if i was the last stylist on earth. And to be honest....i hope he chokes on his ego. :) It's hard to believe where I'm at in life. Getting married, my son's turning one, in college, etc. It just seems so weird to me. But in a good way. I guess I never thought about being here and what it would feel like. But it's all made me feel happy and more accomplished. Speaking of being more accomplished I've decided to make lists of everything..like to do lists for the week, what i wanna get who for christmas, and other things like that. I'm gonna enjoy Cayle's party..however..I do think there is someone who shouldnt be there. She's been my friend for a while, but things have gotten sour over the past couple years. Now she only talks to me when she wants something. She barely txts me and I can count the times Ive seen her since Cayle was born on ONE HAND. And when I confront her about it she wont talk to me. It's not fair. And she expects me to come to her birthday party friday.? Come one. I've got better friends than that. Adam and I are getting this wedding thing into full swing. We've picked out our wedding bands, brides maids/grooms men, church, colors, and have ideas for our attire. Its going well. I've never been this happy. I'm sooo excited about everything. I got beauty and the beast brand new on dvd off of amazon for 14.98 you cant beat that. I'm very giddy about that. I had to get my ring re-sized, but i got it back. I'm so happy to be wearing it again. Lets just hope things stay this good. :) ph yeah..does anyone know any reallly good lotions.?? my skin is extremely dry. :( and i dont like greasy textures.

To my mother.

To my Mother
To my Father
It's your son or
It's your daughter
Are my screams
Loud enough for
You to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

The silence
Is what kills me
I need someone
Here to help me
But you don't know
How to listen
And let me make
My decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

All your insults
And your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like
I am nothing
But you make me
So do something

Cause I'm fucked up
Because you are
Need attention
Attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast


song written by staind.

need i say more.

My letter to Cayle (rough draft.)

I wanted to write him a letter to give him on his birthday instead of a card.

Dear Cayle,
You've grown so much over the past year, and here in a few weeks you will be walking alone. I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I'm always going to be here for you whenever you need me. You've taught me how strong I really am and how tough I can be, and I can't thank you enough for that. You've shown me what it means to be a good mom and how to love someone and support them unconditionally. All I want is to see you happy and to have a family that loves you. And trust me, you've got the family part down. And I want to make sure I can do everything in my power to make you proud of me. I want you to know everything I do is for you. We've had so many good times together. I remember bringing you home and just holding you for hours and enjoying every minute of it. I remember all your firsts, like your first bath and tooth. There's still so much I want to show you and still so many things I want us to do together. It feels like I just found out I was pregnant with you yesterday. We've had some bad times too, but they've only made us a stronger family. God has blessed us. He really has. He's led us to where we are now. And I thank him every day for you. You are my life, and this letter can do no justice to how much I love and care for you. I hope for you and I to always be best friends who play together, share secrets, and maybe one day get matching tattoos (haha kidding.!). I'm always here for you to talk to no matter how big or small the problem is. I know there are probably some things that will be harder for you to tell me than others, but I will never love you any less. I love you more and more as each day goes by. I want you to have the happiest birthday and many more to come. I'll be here for them all. I hope someday we can look through the photos and see how much you've changed and grown. It's hard to believe my baby boy is growing up on me. I wish I could keep you small, but as far as I know, there's no way to do so. So I will enjoy you growing up and all the memories we've made and will make together. Life for us is heading in a very positive direction, and I couldn't be happier. I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday to my dearest baby boy.

xoxox love,
mommy.

It's crunch time.

I have so much going on. Cayle's birthday party is in a few weeks and I really need to put the finishing touches on party decor, send out the rest of the invitations, fill the goody bags, and get the cake. It doesn't sound like much, but with everything else going on, it's alot. After Cayle's birthday is done and over, I have to turn around and immediately buy and plan for christmas. Not that I mind. I love the holidays. But this year I have to juggle families..considering..they're pretty much in-laws now. I also have to think about Adam's birthday and what I wanna do for him. He's turning 21. Wow. In between planning, I have to balance school and make sure I'm getting enough hours to get out in time for my wedding. October 1st is our date. I HAVE to be out of school and in a salon by then. Or at least have a decent paying job. I'm gonna start going in on fridays for those extra hours maybe that'll speed it up. While doing college I have to plan my wedding. We've picked the church, colors,some of the flowers, and have an idea on who we'd like to cater. Other than that, we're clueless. Tomorrow I'm getting an idea on what kind of dress I would like. I need something that flatters my body type. Later I want my maid of honor christina to come with me and look. After college is over, I have to find a place to live and move in and prepare for a wedding and honeymoon. Its alot to do. And I'm really really trying..just praying it'll pay off. While still juggling all that I wanna fit going to the gym somewhere in between cleaning, being a mommy, and a fiance, a college student, and whatever else I am. I managed to get a few ideas from my brothers wedding over the weekend. My mom was so hateful over the weekend and so childish. She was acting like a 2 year old who didnt get her way. She talked trash about my brothers wife, wouldnt talk to any one..she just sat and poutted the entire night. It put me in a horrible mood. She was like that all weekend. I tried to kill her with kindness...no luck. I just dont have time to try and please her anymore. I have to move on with my life and get to where I wanna be. I did get to dance with my daddy...and cayle. It was nice. Dad and I have gotten really close. Its a nice change. All I know..is that I have goals set and I'm gonna get there. I'm determined.

Cayle's party update.

These are Cayle's party invites made by the lovely miss mommy mays (thanks again.!) I had to censor some things for privacy reasons, but I am handing out the invitations this week. Everyone is welcome to come in costume if they wish, but if you don't want to that's okay you can always dress up your babies :) I think it would be pretty adorable to have the kids come in costume. The colors are going to be orange, black, and purple. The theme is halloween. Cayle's birthday is on a wednesday so I'm having his party the weekend before, and on his actual birthday It's gonna be a small party for just us. A day to the aquarium or creative discovery museum, and out to lunch. He may not understand it, but I love spending one on one time with him. I have most of the decorations, but there are still some I need, and goodies for the treat bags. I wanna make sure I have something in the bags for everyone. Because there is a wide range of children coming. I also rented out the gym so the kids could run and play. As far as food goes..I think I'd like to to finger foods..or buy a few different platters, but I wanna make cayle his first cake. Im so excited. Adam's family wants to throw him a party too. They have family they want us to meet. I cant wait.!

Save the Date.

October 1st of 2011 is our goal wedding date...but not exactly set in stone. We want to the the pre-marital classes and money management classes way ahead of time. It'll save us money on our marriage license...gosh...i really cant believe we're engaged..its weird calling adam my fiance, but hey, its a good weird...if that makes sense. I've been so floaty since saturday its unreal.!!! There's so much to plan..we have our colors, church, possible date, and some of the people we want in our wedding targeted. lol. Christina has agreed to be my maid of honor and that makes me sooo happy.!!! We still need a flower girl, ring bearer [sp], a need more brides maids, and adam needs his groomsmen. We do have a while to plan, but a year is gonna go by fast. MY goal is to start going to school fridays to get more hours in so I can get out sooner. We need to make a wedding registry too. AAAAAHHHH soooo much planning.!!! How am I gonna keep everything straight.?? Going through college, raising a baby boy, trying to find work in a salon, being a good fiance and a good mommy, its a lot, but I'm willing to take it on. Adam's family seems so happy for us..like they all keep telling me 'welcome to the family'..'if you need help planning let us know' they ask about what we have picked out so far..if we have a date..a honeymoon dream destination...we're thinking on that one..i'd love a gatlinburg getaway and a nice honeymooners cabin..but i dunno..I'll miss cayle tons.!! however..my family just...wont express any excitement..its like..i told them and i was smiling and excited..but they had NO emotion..they just said 'i think you need to finish school before you start planning this kinda stuff.' wow...talk about a buzz kill...i wish my family could just be happy for me...my mom pretty much told me shes done with me...how could a mom tell her kid that.?? I guess it'll hit her once we're out of the house and I'm resentful to bring cayle to see her. I WANT cayle to have a relationship with his grandparents..he deserves that because he loves them..but as far as my relationship with mom..its done..my dad and my relationship..peachy keen. :) He filled up my gas tank the other night, is letting adam use his jeep and buy it from him, offering him a job as an apprentice working for him, and rescued me from school when my car died and mom sent me to school on a dying battery. I guess as long as I have a good relationship with Dad I'll be fine..I just wish mom didnt treat me like a dog..she makes me beg for everything..and talks to me like I'm a dog...when she talks to me that is..it's not fair..and it really hurts..Cayle needs to see his mom and grandparents getting along..that kinda why I like being around adam's family..Cayle loves them and we have a good relationship. They treat me like family and I'm comfortable with them..Adam mentioned something about adopting Cayle after our honeymoon...he wants Cayle to have his last name...Bailian Cayle Lingle..hmm...I like it. Erica Lingle. hehehe. I am a little concerned though that Justin (sperm donor) will pop up and try to ruin it..or Cayle's birthday..I don't want that...I swear I'm bringing mace to his party..you never know when you'll need it :) Adam is coming and having dinner with me next week at my house.....with my family...oh god. This can either go good or bad. Hopefully my family wont roast him..I hope he can become as comfortable with my family as I am with his. I can't wait to get my ring sized up so I can wear it on the right finger. My ring is sooooooo pretty. He put a lot of thought into picking it..I can tell because there's a heart engraved into it. Its my style down to the last diamond..I'm so proud of it. I'm so happy. Everything is going well. Lets just hope it keeps up.

October 2nd, 2010 will live in my memory forever..

I can still remember where I was this time last year. I was preparing for the birth on my son, Cayle. Nervous, but excited because I knew then I'd never be alone. Never not have a reason for living anymore. And a year later...I'm engaged..to Adam. As of October 2nd 2010. Tonight couldn't have been better if I had asked for it. He took me to my favorite japanese place to eat dinner, Ichiban. We talked about his trip and what I did while he was gone. We talked about the ruby falls haunted cavern and how excited we were. We talked about Cayle and just everything. We caught up. We drove all the way to Ruby Falls. Waiting outside was kinda nerve wracking. There were people getting in your face and stuff. They played a7x which helped me keep my cool. I get real nervous about these kinda things. We went through....and I didnt even scream a one time Hahahaha. I jumped a couple times because the actors were banging on metal barrels and stuff..but other than that it was just fun. Adam and I laughed more than anything. I'm glad I went through..because now I can say I've been and I wasn't scared. :)..but after bring underground we went through a maze..not gonna lie..that was kinda freaky..but not too bad. After the maze, we walked back to the car. We stood outside and cooled off because it was hot in the haunted house stuff. But when we got in the car I started to turn it on and adam asked me to wait..and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me...and it went like this..

Him: "I really missed you while I was away. And I want you to know I love you..so much, and I really do wanna be with you forever."
Me " I missed you too. And I love you too. You've loved me unconditionally..and Cayle.."
Him "But the point is, I love you both..and I have something I need to ask you.."
Me: "What is it.?"
Him: " Erica, will you marry me.?"
Me : "Yes. I love you Adam."

I cried a little..and all I could do is sit with my face burried in his chest. And look up every so often and kiss him..he played our songs on the way home..I've never been this happy in my life..not since cayle was born..and his sperm donor leaving us in the dust..It was really the best thing to happen, and it proves that things happen for a reason. I guess it's hit me...Adam's here to stay, and im gonna be his bride.!!!!