A Rant.

I don't really know any better way to express my feelings than to blog. So it's completely understandable if nobody wants to read this.

In order for me to make money to get through each week, I clean house for my mother. And for the most part I've always done everything on the set list I have. However, mom's hours have been cut in half so instead of being paid 75-100 dollars a week, I am paid anywhere between 20 and 60. Which I understand completely. I don't have an issue with that because usually I can make it work. The issue I have is that my work isn't appreciated and never good enough for anyone. I do a little each day to give me time with Cayle. The chores I have aren't hard. I vacuum twice a week, mop once, dust, maintain the kitchen and bathroom, do the towels,and keep the toys picked up. Simple stuff. No complaints. When I get the house clean I leave for school for 5 hours each night. I come home and its trashed. There are dishes in the sink when the dish washer is empty, toys all over the house, dirty towels in the bathroom, and food left in the pans. Are you kidding me.? It's almost as if they want to make sure I have something to do during the day. And it irritates me. And today I go to look at my list of duties to see what I could do today..and it's gone. I call mom and ask where it is..and she says she threw it away because it 'wasn't working'. She complains that the dishwasher runs while I'm at school sometimes. Sometimes the dishwasher isn't ready to run until I'm ready for school..and I'm not going to sit and wait for it to finish while I could be at school. I'm not that thing's sitter. About 95% of the time there isn't back up with the dishes. So it frustrates me that everyone treats it like its an every day thing. And if I try to explain that..nobody will even care. I swear I live with 4 slobs sometimes. And it makes me even more anxious to move. I just don't want to have to pick up after everyone every day. I want MY job. MY money. MY house. That's it. I'm over getting talked to like I'm 12. I'm 20 years old. I'm raising my own child. I'm an adult. I can do what I want. I hate feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle with cleaning the house. It's going to drive my insane. I'm so thankful I'll be in NOLA in a week. I need the break to bond with Cayle.

Another thing really bothering me is school. I've noticed lately that the girls on the clinic floor (where I am) are very clique-y. They aren't social. And hardly any of them say a word to me. It's like I stink or something. Which I'm positive I don't. I shower regularly. And I go and sit by myself for 5 hours. Talk to no one. Do no clients. Yes, I have one every week..but other than that I do NOTHING. And it's making it hard to want to stay to finish school..and I'm so close. I CRY sometimes because I don't want to be there. And it completely destroys my mood. Here lately..I've been going to the basics room (for the girls who just started and learn the basics before moving to the clinic floor) and they're more friendly than anyone on the clinic floor. We paint our nails, do our hair, wax our eyebrows, sit and joke. And that makes things more bearable. There's one girl, Katie, and she is just like me. She has a 4 year old. And she has had to live under someone else's roof for a while to try to raise her. She had to budget the same money I do. She bought house stuff prior to moving. We have the same taste in a lot of things. And she's 2 years older than me. It's crazy how similar we are. We even look alike. I'm just ready to be done. The sooner I'm done the sooner ALL this stress goes away.

I've been thinking about the new car thing..and I don't think I want one from a dealer..I'd rather have one I could just pay off all at once. Maybe I can find a nice car if I look hard enough. That'll cut out another few years of living at home hopefully.

I've decided once I get everything situated I'm buying house stuff and not being shy about it. If my parents ask they'll get the answer 'because I plan to move soon'. I'm ready to get away from living with 4 slobs I have to pick up after.

Now, don't' get me wrong..I love my family very much and they've done a lot for me. And I will always be thankful for that, but I just think it would be better if I was elsewhere. Heck..nobody has much to say to me anyway unless they want me to do something or want to know if I'm going to school. But for my birthday..I want a tattoo..how much do you wanna bet they'll try to stop me.? They think they still can control my every move. I'm an ADULT. I can do what I want. And the sooner I show some assertiveness the better.

On the plus side..I see Troy Friday and probably Saturday. I feel sometimes like he's one of the only people who understand me (besides the few friends I do have). He always has a way to make everything better. He doesn't have to do anything. He just lets me talk and holds me until I feel better. I'm also going to try to do some fun stuff with Cayle this weekend to get us ready for our trip. Today we went outside to play. He had fun.

My current goals. I want my legs to be semi-attractive in shorts/dresses/whatever this summer so I plan on working out at least 3 times a week. And of course to buy my house stuff. One room at a time. I plan on getting the storage tubs and filling them. Storing them is another story. I live in my basement. Which also doubles as a storage room. So I have NO personal space. I have to fight through everyone elses CRAP to put my things anywhere. I can't wait just to have a room again. Not live out of a storage room. I just feel like I have so much working AGAINST me its ridiculous. I just want to break down and cry somedays..and I hate to cry. It makes me feel even worse than I did starting out. I need some advice.


On a side note...on the way home from Troy's show...we kinda toyed with the idea of moving in together next year if things are still good. I don't know if it was the 'high on life' talking or what..but it thrilled me. It may be soon..but I just feel like you can tell a lot about what the future will be like with someone the more one on one time you spend with them. Troy and I spend some one on one time together..and its always so good. We're a lot alike. So if things do work out the way I'd like them to..maybe moving out won't be as hard.

But I've had a crappy week..need a pick me up..or advice..whichever comes first.

:/