A fork in the road..

I've been trying to avoid my house as much as a possibly can. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being treated with little to no respect just like a child. Nothing is ever good enough. And I can't have any personal space. Needless to say, I was gone with Cayle all day. We spent the day helping Kay. She needed her storage room cleared out so we went to help. It didn't take very long to clean out. So we went and got lunch. When we got back her brother-in-law, Justin, and I got to talking about how freaking ready we are to move out. He suggested getting a 3 bedroom apartment together. I don't know about all that. I'm worried about how it will affect Cayle. Just because it isn't permanent and he needs stability. And I'm worried about splitting bills with a good friend. Friends who live together almost always end up hating each other. And I don't want that. But then again it could work because Justin spends most of his time with his long distance boyfriend (yes, he's gay and I am perfectly okay with it) in Georgia. So there's always the chance we wouldn't be on each other's toes. But I don't know..honestly, I don't see it happening. But its always an option I suppose. Troy and I still toy with the idea of moving in together. But who knows when that will be.? And with my relationship history...I'm overly cautious. And that's not fair to Troy..but it's just a mental block I can't get past.. I just hate being at home. And I hate having so much uncertainty. It makes me sick to my stomach now to even think of moving out..because I want it so bad but who knows when or how or where it'll happen.? I just don't have it in me to spend another year at home. I need my freedom and I'm not getting it here. I'm sick of everything going on here. I'm sick of crying on my way home because I hate it so much. I'm sick of having that feeling in the back of my head "Oh sh*t I have to go home or it'll be Hell in the morning." I am so anxiety ridden that my hair is falling out and I don't want to eat. I hate being stuck. I know I finish school soon...but then there's a whole new world of problems..like how am I going to afford getting to and from with a car with crap gas mileage.? Who's going to keep Cayle while I work.? How will I pay that bill.? Where am I even going to work.? How much money will I actually make.? Am I going to need a second job.? Then who's going to watch Cayle if I have 2 jobs.? Where does quality time with Cayle fit in with all of that.? Will I ever be able to afford a better car.? A better life.? How am I ever going to get what I need to fill a home.? Will I even be able to do this.?

I can't handle the uncertainty anymore. Inside it drives me crazy..and it's enough to eat me alive. And no matter how close I get to a milestone..it's like taking one step forward and two steps back. I just don't know anymore. I'm still trying and trying ( I bought more house stuff)..but I'm starting to even question what good it is.? I can't do anything right. Or at least that's how I'm made to feel. And whenever I'm told "I'm so proud of you" by a friend (because I don't hear it anywhere else) it's almost like they just spoke French to me. I can't take it anymore. All I want to do is cry now. When I'm not with Troy, or Kay and Cayle..I'm miserable. This is so unsettling. I can't even sleep anymore.