Little of this and that.

Over the weekend I have done some cool stuff. Adam and I made dinner together for the first time. It was really fun. We even visited the halloween stores that just opened up. Adam found a costume he liked. And I found one I thought I'd like better for Cayle than the one I got him a while ago. But there's still time to pick something out. I really wanna take Cayle to the pumpkin patch this year. He needs a pumpkin just his size. It'll be our own family tradition each year..along with a few other things..like the scrapbook idea..I got a scrapbook and I'm waiting on some photo paper to come so I can get started again on BOTH of my scrapbooks. I have one for our little family. And one that's going to be strictly Cayle. From birth to the first birthday. I'm really hoping it turns out well. Our family scrapbook looks really good. I'm very impressed with how it turned out. I had almost forgotten how creative I can be. I'm trying to think of more fall traditions. I'm not having much luck..but it'll work out. I did two hair cuts over the weekend. And tehy turned out great. I even did a color job. I'm very proud. Adam leaves for his trip this saturday..I'm gonna be so sad. It sucks hes going away for 3 weeks. :/ I keep thinking about how I'll feel so happy to see him again. He's promised me a fancy night out. Complete with dinner, shopping, and starbucks. I'm very excited. No matter what, Adam always finds a way to spoil me. But it evens out. Because I try to spoil him too. This year is going to be our first christmas together, and I wanna make everything perfect for my two favorite boys. Cayle was very young last christmas..this year is definitely going to be fun. I wanna try to shoot for some christmas photos if at all possible. I know for sure I'm gonna take cayle to rock city to see the lights and the enchanted rock gardens. I'm very excited. :D This week, Adam, Cayle, and I are going to the creative discovery museum for family day. I'm working harder and harder in school and I did my first haircuts last week. I didnt mess up either.!! Tonight I gave Cayle a bath and it was probably the funnest bath I've given him in a while. He's learned he can kick in the water and get me soaked.!! The weather has been beautiful these past few days. I think if it's still pretty tomorrow, Cayle and I will go strolling. :) I hope I get to work on my scrapbooks soon. There isn't much time left to get it done. The family one, I need more pictures of the three of us together. Cayles pictures are covered hahahaah. I'm crazy about getting tons of pictures of him. Maybe I can go back and decorate them with stickers and stuff. Right now, I'm just making collages on each page. And so far, its looking good. I'm soo happy fall is coming. I can't wait to get Cayle some awesome fall clothes. Little hoodies and jeans. He's gonna look sooo cute. I think I might've found somewhere to have his party. Its very close to my house..and walking distance to a playground. And for those who are coming from GA, I will give you gas money if you need it because I know its a LONG drive from there to here. I'll write more later when I have something interesting to talk about haha.

It's Time. (revised)

Standing up for myself and being more assertive with what I need is definitely a must, but piercing my nose won't make it happen..it may even worsen the situation. I think I said those things I did out of anger and frustration. I decided that I just need to keep being as responsible as I have been. And continue with what I'm doing. However, changes do need to be made. I do need to be assertive about my needs. Not wants, but needs. Like more hours at school. And time to take a shower. I do need the money to not only keep my head about water, but to have that breathing room or emergency money if needed. I think there are better ways of making a point that actually sinks in rather than running out and getting a nose stud. However, I would like to have one, but it can wait. For the bettering of my life with Cayle. I am going to stand up for myself. and I am going to be a little more assertive. And my plans to move out are being put in motion a little more each day. I'm not gonna let things build up and upset me like they have been. I will try to make a little time to post about everything on my mind. good or bad. because it does help. Here goes nothing.

It's time.

I feel like it's time for me to have a firmer hand with my parents..when it comes down to what I need. And what Cayle needs. I feel like its time that they treat me like the adult I am instead of the immature 12 year old they see me as. I know I'm a great mother. I know in my heart that I've never denied Cayle of anything he needs and for most of the stuff he wants. I've never ever put my needs before his. I've been a great mom from the start. He may not have every toy he wants..but he has my love, and Adam's love. We're a family. And both Adam and I are trying to better our lives now to makes sure we're set for our future as a family. Adam's picking up a second job and working towards getting his g.e.d. I'm in college to get a good job that makes a lot of money and security is good too. I've decided to ask my cousin for help by letting her watch Cayle a couple days a week so I can go into school earlier. So I can get out sooner. Into a salon sooner. Into my own home sooner. With Cayle. With Adam. I can show my parents that I can do it on my own. That I don't need their help. Whether my mother likes it or not, I am letting my cousin watch Cayle so I can get through school as quickly as possible. Im gonna ACE all my cosmetology tests to show that I'm a great student. I'm gonna use the tips I make at school to buy more things for Cayle. And my future apartment so my family won't say "Oh you bought a place but you barely have anything to put in it.?" "What if Cayle needs something and you don't have it.?" I've made a list. I've gotten a few things on it. Slowly, but surely I'll get there. I take care of Cayle every day. (well, duh) But at the same time, I'm leaving nothing behind for my mother to complain about. He gets his baths daily. He gets laundry and sheets washed and rotated weekly. I keep our room very clean so he won't find something to get into that'll hurt him. I do everything for him but I go above and beyond to show my mother that I don't need her help with him. That Cayle is MY responsibility and I don't need help when it isn't asked for. I want to show her that I am an adult and I act like the adult I am. And whether she likes it or not I am going to make decisions for myself and my child whether she agrees with them or not. And for the first decision I'm making for MYSELF is that I'm going to pierce my nose. Nothing real gawky. A tiny silver stud to represent my independence and my assertiveness to make my own decisions. I suppose you could consider my decision for Cayle is to move into our own place and to be our own family. But in all honesty..I'm tired of being ran over everyday, put down, and stepped on by my own family. So..the point is i need to stand up for myself..here goes nothing. wish me luck. oh, and by the way..i lost my party place so i need a new party place for cayle any suggestions or places you know of would be great. also, if you like the collage I made for this post send me some pictures and I will make you one. ( you can send up to four pictures for one collage. but if you want more than one send me four for each collage.)

Too Much STRESS.!!!

I apologize if I'm complaining too much..but I'm stressed to the max and I'm literally about to explode. I'm sick and tired of cleaning every single day and doing things for everyone else in this house, yet when I need something it's like pulling teeth to get it..and i still don't get it after begging. It's getting harder for me to care about what my parents want from me when they really don't care enough about what I need. I need my toes fixed because they've grown so deep in my skin it hurts even more than it should to stand for 6 hours at school. The doctor they sent me to was in and out in less than 5minutes and gave me pills that didn't work...so I stopped taking them after 2 weeks of no results..When mom found out her response was "You just didn't wanna take them because they'll cancel out your birth control" Okay, A. I would think after two weeks with no relief in the pain you'd stop taking them to. B. Does she see me as a slut or something.? I dunno..but it really hurt my feelings..and it's comments like that that happen on a daily basis here. And sometimes I ask for someone to watch Cayle for 20 minutes..long enough for me to have a shower..but even thats too much to ask "Take him in the shower with you." "You could get a shower if you really wanted one." I need to get more hours at school. "I don't want Stacey watching the baby because I would have to pay her" I'm at school for 5 hours..I get hungry. I usually take something with me to eat at school because I'm always broke and dont have the money to eat out like everyone else. Today..we didnt have anything I could take. "You have vegetarian stuff in the freezer" It was all stuff I didn't eat anymore. "Then don't complain about being hungry."...I hadn't eaten since 10 this morning. I had a horrible headache and shaky hands all through school. I couldn't take it. I'm tired of being called a slacker..I'm tired of being told I don't do enough..I'm tired of putting everyone else before myself..The only person's needs I feel should be before my own are Cayle's needs. And that's how its always been. I feel like my family wants me to jump through hoops just to get something I need..or something Cayle needs. I feel like an eighth of a person because of all the stress I'm put under..all the stress of not having a job so not only I could do more for Cayle..but I wouldnt have to depend on people that I can't depend on..people who like to hold things over my head..and turn things around on me to make me look like the bad person in an argument. My mother had the nerve to tell me tonight "I've taken all the abuse I;m gonna take from you tonight.." When I was in a bad mood from being sent to school hungry and broke..My family doesn't acknowledge me when I walk into a room..they don't even stop to look up. I hardly ever have more than a quarter of a tank of gas in my car..that makes one round trip to school..then its time to fill up again..I don't have the money to do it..I had to scrape together change to make it to school and back today..I'm tired of feeling this way..I just wanna be able to do it all to where I would never have to ask my stuck up family for another cent. My mother is the type who likes to 1 up people. She likes to show off her money, her cars, her house, and Cayle..like he's a freaking trophy or something..everything is just an extension of herself to her. It never occurs to her that Cayle and I are living people with our own feelings..we aren't her money we arent her fancy car. But she doesn't care..she loves to make me look like the bad mom. We're finally having people put a new roof on our house so i wont get rained on when it rains outside..She was 'bragging' to the construction worker about how she has to take care of Cayle for the next 5 hours..she didnt mention that I was going to be at school for those next 5 hours..she made it sound like I was going out to party. I take Cayle with me pretty much everywhere I go. I never leave him if I don't have to. I came hme tonight and the first thing I did was throw something in the micrwave so it could cook while I got Cayle from my dad. Mom had the nerve to say "Erica, aren't you going to come in here and say hi to your family..and hi to your child.??" I'm not a bad mom. I take good care of Cayle and I know it..but their comments tend to poison my mind at times. They make me feel like a bad kid. I havent done anything wrong since I was young. I feel like an adult..and they insist on pushing me on my butt and treating me like I'm two..I feel like I cant win..I really dont know anymore...

Family Tradition Possibilities.

I decided to make a list of possible family traditions I want to share with Cayle.

A yearly trip to Rock City's enchanted rock gardens to see the lights. Complete with warm drinks and a picture with santa.

Gingerbread houses and cookies.

Annual Christmas ornaments (thanks to the ideas from christina and miss mommy mays :) )

Jack-o-lanterns.

Making our own scarecrow.

Family movie nights.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving Day.

Scrapbooks for each year of his life. [[this one I really wanna do]]

Going to eat after church as a family.

Family portraits.

Possibly a second trip to Rock City to see the beautiful colors in Autumn.

Weekends to Gatlinburg.

Ketners Mill.

County Fair.

Studying together when he gets in school..but still making time for fun.

Watching a tv show we both enjoy everytime it's on.

Fireworks on the 4th.

Big meals on holidays.

Favorite meals for bad days.

Coloring together on rainy days.

Reading a book after bathtime and before bed.

thats all i've got so far...i'll think of more hopefully.

Family Oriented..

Whenever I'm with Adam, or a close friend, I always notice how family oriented everyone is. I notice how they make Cayle and me right at home. I notice how often they have family get-togethers and how close they are...I never notice that with my family. Nobody ever wants to sit together and watch a movie or go to dinner or anything like that..Everyone's schedule is different from everyone elses so Cayle and I are home alone about 94% of the time. The only time I really see my family spending time together is Christmas day..and Christmas eve. Almost every weekend I'm with Adam, the whole family goes to church together then everyone goes to his grandmother's house for lunch/dinner. Then everyone sits around and talks and plays with Cayle while Adam and I either watch him play or cuddle up together on the couch. Whenever I'm at Alliea's (she's a very close friend of mine. We've known each other since 7th grade.) I automatically feel the warmth of a home-y home especially around christmas time. I feel like a memeber of the family there. Everyone's always in the family room. Playing with her nephew, watching a movie, or eating dinner. I guess it's just nice to see a family who really shows their love for each other rather than just saying it. I want Cayle to have a close knit family with lots of neat traditions. Even if its as simple as a Sunday morning breakfast together. Or opening one present Chrismas eve. I'm not gonna lie..it's really quiet here at home with just Cayle and me. I've grown used to it, but that doesn't mean I like it. During the week it's like tag team with mom. When she comes home, I have to leave for school. Dad works all the time. He's gone from 6 in the morning to usually 9 at night some days..and others he's home at 5. My brother is at school practicing football until 6 and in bed by the time I come home. We never do much of anything together. I dunno..the point is..I want Cayle to understand the true meaning or family. It doesn't matter who's in it [biologically i mean] or the size..its love. and I know he'll have all the love and open hearted-ness from me he could ever ask for. Unconditionally.

Things that make me feel better..

thats my favorite one of the two of us.
but anyways...
things that make me happy.
Cayle and Adam, my family.
Visiting friends that im a member of the family too.
acoustic music a.k.a. goo goo dolls.
coloring.
reading.
hats.
boots.
christmas atmosphere.
christmas trees.
gingerbread.
hoodies.
fall.
winter.
wrestling with adam....and winning.
playing with cayle and his toys.
hair cuts.
hair color.
buying things for my apartment.
having the money to spoil cayle.
pictures.
scrapbooks.
coloring books.
sidewalk chalk.
playgrounds..with cayle.
surprise txts.
good music.
adam's jokes.
being able to vent to christina.
having someone spoil me for once..even if its just washing my hair.
piano music.
journaling/blogging.
movies..preferably disney.
holidays.
rock city.
aquarium.
dreaming of the day i finally get to boston.
halloween.
boys like girls.
funky sunglasses.
frozen coffee.
caramel lattes.
cayle's reactions to new things.
family dinners at adam's family's houses.
church with adam's family.
petville on facebook.
doing things on my own without help.
hair school.
getting alot of hair done in one night.
yoga pants.
youtube.
disney world.
the zoo.
singing.
drawing && it turning out perfect.
painting.
IMing my lovely victoria. <3
going out to lunch occasionally.
a clean room.
being home alone with Cayle.
working on Cayle's baby book.
cuddling with Adam.
watching movies with Adam while we
fight over the chocolate turtles in our
shared pint of turtle tracks ice cream.
laying in his arms while he runs his fingers
through my hair.
talking about our wedding.
talking about moving in together.

ill add to this later..i just wanted to start it.
:)