What is this so called "real world"?

What is the real world? Daddy and I got into a debate today about me wanting to leave Chattanooga in order to pursue my dreams of what I hope to be a happier life. He believes that there's no better place than a home in Chattanooga. And that this so called "Real World" is going to knock me back on the ground because I'm naive.

I happen to disagree. I believe there is so much more for me than this one horse town of Chattanooga. Especially since I'm not happy here and I don't see myself being happy here. Or seeing myself staying here in general. But that leaves the "real world" to knock me down. Well..what is it?

I must be missing a link to the puzzle. I see the "Real World" as nothing more than paying bills, raising a family, working until retirement, and realizing the world isn't a friendly place where nothing bad ever happens. Well, I may just be naive and not realizing it..but I think I've my taste of this real world. I pay bills. I work for a living. I raise my son. And may I be frank, but I've had my share of bad things to happen to me to realize the world is not a friendly place. And if that's all this "Real World" is, it's going to take a lot more than money going out the door and owning up to my responsibilities to scare me.

What do you think? What is the real world to you?

Everything.

I haven't been posting much lately, but I haven't had much to talk about. Until now. I had signed Cayle up for a music class (free trial class) and our class was supposed to be last night. Well, I get all the way down there and the time rolls around for the class to start, and then they tell me that not enough kids signed up! What the hell? I was so mad that I wasted my time and gas for Cayle to only get to play in a play room for 15 minutes and not even get to take the class. That is a poor way to handle business and I don't believe I will be going back. So that was a bust. But if they do that with my time...imagine what they would do with my money.

I take my final state board exam a week from tomorrow! Nervous? No. Excited? Yes. Finally I'm getting ahead. Let's just hope nothing goes wrong. For being completely finished with school and a licensed cosmetologist, my parents are rewarding me with $300 dollars! I plan on saving as much of it as I possibly can for moving out. And whatever else.

Speaking of moving out, Daddy has a surprise for me. He is in Michigan for work and is coming home this weekend. When Daddy goes out of town, he always brings home gifts. This time, Daddy txted me and told me that instead of a souvenir from Michigan, he is taking me to buy the pots and pans that I want for my house!! This was super exciting to me! It takes a big chunk out of the kitchen stuff I need. I have a majority of things for each room, but there are still quite a few necessities I still need to buy. But all in due time. And now that I'm getting more hours at work, it should be easier to get what I need.

Cayle's birthday is right around the corner! And I am still clueless as to what I want to do for it. I booked the place and bought him one of his presents, but that's about it. He can't decide between Mickey Mouse or Cars. He flip flops. Sometimes it's Cars sometimes it's Mickey Mouse. So that makes decoration shopping next to impossible.

Thank goodness it's almost Autumn. Summer always has a way of breaking my heart. I'm ready for all the beautiful and happy things Autumn has to offer. I got new jeans and a new cardigan (which is also for work) the other day. I can't wait to wear it.

I want to try to get back into shape. I have stomach ulcers and they make me gain a lot of weight. And I can't even stand to look at myself half of the time because I know I could look better. So here's to working out and eating right!

I've been looking into places I want to potentially live one day. And I've narrowed my choices down to Seattle and Boston. One of my friends mentioned something about how family oriented Seattle was and how beautiful it was. And I've been looking into it. It has potential. But I really need to visit both before I make a final decision or head back to the drawing board. Either way, I am leaving Chattanooga. I don't think I will ever be happy until I do. I was in Dalton over the weekend and even being 45 minutes away, I was out of Chattanooga and happier than I had been in weeks. Too much has happened in this town for me to be happy. But that's a different story for a different day.

I'm still enjoying work. It has actually gotten better. Remember me talking about that stylist that was extremely rude to me and the other new people? Well Karma bit him in the ass! He was in the busted paper back in July for gambling and possession of a gambling device!! Not only that but the boss got onto him for being mean to everyone and he's been a lot nicer. And I'm about to bump up and make more money. I can see the beautiful paychecks already!!

One Step Closer..

Today I took part one of of cosmetology state board test..and...I PASSED with flying colors!! I am going to Knoxville to take the practical exam within the next few weeks and I will be doing hair at my dream job at Regis! I am so excited. To congratulate me my parents took me to dinner at my favorite place..Ichiban! It was a good day over all. That cosmetology license is my ticket to Boston. I can't wait. I couldn't be happier right now. The hard part is over. This next part will be a cake walk. I'm so proud of myself :) I'm almost out of the woods!!

It's nice to have my "me" time back and not have to use it to study late hours of the night.

Now it's time to work on the next goal since this one is close to being completed :)

Everything on my mind as of late.

WARNING! THIS POST WILL MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

I've got my state board test tomorrow morning. I am so nervous!! I feel like no matter how much I study..I'll still fail. Everyone seems to think I can do it though..which is nice. I love that I have people to back me up and support me..but I guess anxiety takes over this time. I'll know immediately if I passed or failed tomorrow after the test. I feel like this is the key to the rest of my life. This test determines so much. If I pass..you better believe that I am treating myself to a HUGE starbucks drink.

With that being said..I mentioned something to my neighbor about wanting to move to Boston..and she told me that she lived in Boston for 6 years..and she loved it! It makes me want to go and move that much more. She told me if I went...I wouldn't want to come back...and she's probably right. She knows how I am. How I want a cooler climate, bigger city, a fresh start. That's exactly what Boston will be for me...a fresh start. And a chance to get away from everything here. I don't talk about this at all..because it's down right silly..but..I'm terrified Cayle's sperm donor will come back and take him from me in the middle of the night..and set my house on fire. And that's part of the reason I am so anxious to move. I want to be where he can't find me..and if I move out of state...he'll never find me. I know its crazy..but I had nightmares about it for the first year and a half of Cayle's life. I would wake up in the middle of the night and go check on him to make sure he was still in his bed. I know. It's stupid. I know he doesn't care. But that's the anxiety problems I have. I feel like my anxiety would ease if I lived somewhere else. Point being. I'm seeing Boston next year no matter what. And if I like it..I'm moving as soon as I possibly can.


Work is going alright. There's been rumors flying around about someone getting fired. I'm terrified. I hope it's just a rumor. I like my job. I think I'll like it even more once I make more money and I'm actually cutting hair.

Pretty soon. I think I'm going to have a yard sale so I can get Cayle some fall and winter clothes and put some more money back for us.

Also...I've decided to pick up crocheting. I'd love to make blankets and scarves. I think it would be really good for my anxiety too. I'm trying to steer clear of anxiety medication..just because I've been on medication for anxiety before...and it didn't work. I've been able to fight through it for a while..but now it's getting unbearable.

I've also decided to start making holiday and seasonal wreaths for fun.

Cayle and I are going to our first Kindermusick class!! I'm so excited. I hope Cayle enjoys it so we can enroll. He needs to be involved in activities with kids his age. He's getting to be a bit of an introvert. Just like me. He's so smart though. He can do anything. Tonight..I'm going to look for lessons for us to do weekly (Thanks to Brittany's weekly lessons with Samantha). I've been motivated to try to do weekly lessons with Cayle. Daddy and I talked a little bit more about Cayle's schooling..and I believe private school will be the right choice for us. I'd give anything to homeschool, but being a single mom..I don't believe that's in the cards for me. Kids younger and younger are bringing guns and crap like that to school. Private school will be safer for him and will teach him much more I believe. I still have time..but if the opportunity is still there..then by all means..I want to take it.

A constant reminder to stay positive.

I got my first tattoo last night. And I couldn't be happier with it. I got the idea from the movie "The Crow". Whenever something was bad the main character would always say..'It can't rain all the time' And it stuck with me..because it's true. Things can't be bad all the time. And you have to fight through it.

As far as the pain..it wasn't too bad. Some parts were uncomfortable, but nothing that's unbearable. If I was talking or distracted with music or my phone I was fine. The word "It" probably was the most painful. I definitely want more tattoos. Not any time soon. But eventually.

Cayle is having loads of fun at the beach. I miss him so much!! I talk to him every day and I get pictures. They'll be home on Saturday. I'm using this time to study for Boards.

This is my tattoo right after he finished. I didn't bleed or anything!

I've given it a lot of thought...

And I think when I'm able..I want to leave Chattanooga. Pick up and leave. I don't know where to exactly, but I don't think I will ever be truly happy until I do. Ultimately, I have my heart set on visiting Boston next year to see what it is that I am so intrigued with. For years I have wanted to live in a bigger city with lost of snow and people. But why Boston? I don't know. I guess it's just something I have to find out. I get a weeks paid vacation next year and I want to plan a trip there. Whether or not I can is still uncertain. If I can move out by the time I want to, I think I can do anything.

Chattanooga isn't for me. I've definitely outgrown it here. And every day that goes by I feel like I'm carrying the weight of this town and everything that's happened to me on my back. It's getting unbearable now. I wake up every single day feeling completely stuck. And nobody really believes me when I tell them how much I hate it here and how ready I am to leave. I'm not trying to complain or rant and rave but I need the freedom of a fresh start. And the long I'm here the chances of me making it out of Chattanooga are slimming down. It's suffocating. I'm getting out of Chattanooga..one way or the other.

Here's to planning my trip to Boston to see what my heart's missing...because it's obviously missing something..

Happy Fourth!!

Today was a really lazy day to be perfectly honest. We ate ribs and BBQ and laid around the house. Cayle went swimming and I took pictures of him. Around 6 ish Cayle and I played with sparklers and poppers waiting for it to get dark. And late tonight we shot off a bunch of fireworks. And I got to mark an item off my bucket list by lighting a firework myself!! Cayle really seemed to like the colors and lights, but he didn't care too much for the explosion part of it. He sat in my lap with his ears covered. And a bottle rocket misfired and almost hit me. That's one way to 'see the light'.

An update. I'm taking my State Board Exams July 31st. I'm scared to death. I'm also getting 8 extra hours on my check next week by covering a shift for the other receptionist. Lord knows I need the money. I need the help. I also set up Cayle's toddler bed to try to get him used to it for when it's time to switch. He's trying to climb out occasionally. Daddy and I were also talking about Cayle getting ready for school today..and he said he needs to go to a private school. I told him there was no way in hell I could afford that. He offered to pay for it. I don't know how I feel about all that. I'm the mom I should pay for Cayle's wants and needs. That I didn't want to end up like my dead beat sister (which apparently my words of wisdom didn't hit home because she's still doing the same crap). I don't know. I have a while to think about it. So I guess we'll see..I also got some more house stuff last week. I also had a gift card to Khols and stepped out of my comfort zone majorly and bought a summer dress. First time I've worn anything but jeans during Summer in a very long time.