stress.

normally. i try to keep my problems to myself. i may talk to one other person about them..but thats it..im at the point where i cant take much more. i thought i was going to get that job at the movie theatre..but it turns out i dont think i will..so i have to start all over again. go looking again. but then i think...whats the point.? i cant get my foot in the door anywhere..i cant even get an interview anywhere. im tired of having to depend on others for everything. it makes me feel less of a person. i found out my car has major problems..like a busted motor mount and several oil leaks. sooo i cant get new tags for my car..it sucks. im probably gonna get pulled over for expired tags. theres a vacuum leak which makes my gas mileage suck. a quarter of a tank gets me to the store and back.thats how bad it is.. and any money i do get goes to my gas tank..and not to what i want it to go to..which is cayle. i wanna be able to by his stuff..or buy him a new outfit..or food or diapers..and that makes me feel even less of a person..i hate feeling like im not worth it. like i cant do anything for myself..or my son. i just feel like i could be doing so much more. its embarrassing to be without a job..especially when everyone else around you has one..and i still have to depend on my parents for help...and to make matters worse...i thought cayles biological father was out of the picture and i wouldnt have to worry about him anymore...but i got news that hes coming for cayle. he said "i want that bitch dead." "ill get my son." theyre trying to get 3,000 dollars to pay for a lawyer who will make sure i never see my baby again. know how theyre raising the money.? meth. theyre making and selling meth. && thats a scary thought to go to sleep on at night. what if for some reason..that he did win and cayle was taken from me..to live in a meth house...it scares me to the point of where i wanna cry every time i think about it. his sperm donor..he's got serious mental issues..what if he hurt cayle.? or what if he snaps and tries to take him from me in the middle of the night.?? i know this seems like paranoia...but knowing him..hes crazy enough to try something like that...ive told all the people who know me to give answers about me to no one. i have to be careful about what i post online..and where i go. i have to make sure it wouldnt be where he might be..or anyone in his family. i hate having to live in fear like this. and what if me not having a job is the deciding factor of whether or not i keep cayle. this kills me..i wish adam and i were about to get our place now. like within the next few weeks...so if he were to show up..he wouldnt find me. i wish my cell phone number was changed..so he couldnt trace me..it seems like im gonna have to change everything so he cant find me..my adress..my numbers..what if i have to change the way i look too.? im scared out of my mind..in all honesty..maybe thats why i cant sleep at night anymore..which leads me to be exhausted during the day while taking care of cayle..and i wake up at 3 a.m. to talk to adam before he goes to work..im exhausted. but if i have to ill make it off of stackers and caffine..if i could have a job..id give anything for all my stress to go away..to make sure my baby is safe. hes my life..and ill do anything and everything for him.