stress.

normally. i try to keep my problems to myself. i may talk to one other person about them..but thats it..im at the point where i cant take much more. i thought i was going to get that job at the movie theatre..but it turns out i dont think i will..so i have to start all over again. go looking again. but then i think...whats the point.? i cant get my foot in the door anywhere..i cant even get an interview anywhere. im tired of having to depend on others for everything. it makes me feel less of a person. i found out my car has major problems..like a busted motor mount and several oil leaks. sooo i cant get new tags for my car..it sucks. im probably gonna get pulled over for expired tags. theres a vacuum leak which makes my gas mileage suck. a quarter of a tank gets me to the store and back.thats how bad it is.. and any money i do get goes to my gas tank..and not to what i want it to go to..which is cayle. i wanna be able to by his stuff..or buy him a new outfit..or food or diapers..and that makes me feel even less of a person..i hate feeling like im not worth it. like i cant do anything for myself..or my son. i just feel like i could be doing so much more. its embarrassing to be without a job..especially when everyone else around you has one..and i still have to depend on my parents for help...and to make matters worse...i thought cayles biological father was out of the picture and i wouldnt have to worry about him anymore...but i got news that hes coming for cayle. he said "i want that bitch dead." "ill get my son." theyre trying to get 3,000 dollars to pay for a lawyer who will make sure i never see my baby again. know how theyre raising the money.? meth. theyre making and selling meth. && thats a scary thought to go to sleep on at night. what if for some reason..that he did win and cayle was taken from me..to live in a meth house...it scares me to the point of where i wanna cry every time i think about it. his sperm donor..he's got serious mental issues..what if he hurt cayle.? or what if he snaps and tries to take him from me in the middle of the night.?? i know this seems like paranoia...but knowing him..hes crazy enough to try something like that...ive told all the people who know me to give answers about me to no one. i have to be careful about what i post online..and where i go. i have to make sure it wouldnt be where he might be..or anyone in his family. i hate having to live in fear like this. and what if me not having a job is the deciding factor of whether or not i keep cayle. this kills me..i wish adam and i were about to get our place now. like within the next few weeks...so if he were to show up..he wouldnt find me. i wish my cell phone number was changed..so he couldnt trace me..it seems like im gonna have to change everything so he cant find me..my adress..my numbers..what if i have to change the way i look too.? im scared out of my mind..in all honesty..maybe thats why i cant sleep at night anymore..which leads me to be exhausted during the day while taking care of cayle..and i wake up at 3 a.m. to talk to adam before he goes to work..im exhausted. but if i have to ill make it off of stackers and caffine..if i could have a job..id give anything for all my stress to go away..to make sure my baby is safe. hes my life..and ill do anything and everything for him.

'Dada.'

Cayle started saying 'dada dada dada' whenever adam held him at church yesterday. Everyone could here it clear as day. Cayle made sure adam and i didnt go too far whenever his mom or sister held him. whenever i was around he would say 'dada' and look for adam. adam is the only dad cayle has ever known. the way he was with cayle at church. holding him. kissing him. playing with him. i dont know what it was about it..but it made me fall in love with adam a little more. it takes a big man to love a child that isnt his like his own. and the thought of that alone gives me butterflies. adam has been good to cayle..and me. we're talking more about later when we get our place together. how hes ready for it. im ready for it too. it'll be nice to be our own family..having meals together..holidays..movie time for just the two of us after cayle goes to bed. its amazing how happy i am. his family has told me that cayle and i fit in well. they txt me just to say hi. and to ask how cayle is. its cool how i feel like i belong. his mom is already calling cayle her grandbaby. his whole family is already calling me an in law. its soon..but i dont care. it feels like it should. his aunt was telling me yesterday..about how adam talks about cayle and me all the time. he told her he wants to spoil me..keep me happy. and how he feels like im 'the one'. i feel in my heart like he's 'the one'. i dont think i could be happier. i cant ask for more. ive got it all. a wonderful family. a beautiful son. my friends who do understand what its like to be in my shoes. [[not that my shoes are a bad place to be.]] and adam. i feel like i've left the dark age in my life..now i get to live in the light. 2009 wasn't my year. [[with the execption of cayle's birth.]] but i feel like 2010 is my year. 2011 will be better. by next summer ill have my place with adam and cayle and my dream career. im excited. things cant get better. ive got it all.

Love is cleaning out the gutters and steak and shake.

today..i just felt like blogging for no reason. adam came over today to help my mom out by cleaning out the gutters since my dad left for a trip to maryland for work earlier this week. i helped him out too. we got super dirty and sweaty..but whats funny..is that we were actually having fun doing a dirty job like that. we kept laughing about the stupid stuff we'd say..how his butt was getting sun burned. haha. i love how adam and i can be anywhere doing anything and still enjoy each other's company. after we got finished cleaning the gutters out we got cayle and went to steak and shake. it was a nice meal..but i also made the personal decision to eat only white meat from now on. i was a vegetarian..but it was too hard to do because a had very slim options eating and i wasn't getting enough nutrition. im sure in time if i discover more vegetarian options i'll go back to it..but for now..this is what i want. and trust me..im extremely picky about my eating habits. i hate myself for even thinking of eating chips or sweets. im into taking care of my body..its my forte. now if only i could find more time for exercising. things would be perfect..but being a mom and on your toes constantly is exercise....right.? i guess you could label my diet as a Pollo-vegetarian..idk. im not too sure about eating the chicken..i feel kinda like a 'fake vegetarian' for it. but today was a good day. i realized alot of things..like how adam isn't going anywhere..he HATES doing gutters..but he did it for me..after working an 8 hour shift.he goes and goes and goes..all for cayle..for me..for us. he's wonderful..and having both cayle and adam in my life..i feel like the luckiest girl ever.

My first mother's day.

Yesterday was my first mother's day. It was definitely something to remember. I woke up to two cards. One from my parents..and one from Cayle. :) Dad wanted to take us out for breakfast..but everywhere was packed..or finished with breakfast..so we settled on Ryan's. The food was really good. We got full fast. People told me what a cute boy Cayle is. It made me feel special. I love when people tells me he looks like me..that makes me happy that he doesn't look like his sperm donor who shall remain nameless. :D. People tell me sometimes he looks like Adam though. That's nice to hear too. After we went to eat we went to Walmart. When we got home I fed Cayle his baby food and played with him. Then I got a call from Adam. He wanted to make me dinner and do something special for me for mother's day. When I got there he had me zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots all ready to be grilled. And he had hot dogs for him. He got me my favorite kind of soda too. Strawberry soda. MMMMM.! After we ate we put Cayle down for a nap and watched a movie. We cuddled up together and he just held me..and I loved every minute of it. We played with Cayle after he got up. Then I had to go home. I had an amazing mothers day. It made me proud to be a mom. Even more so than I am.

In the in between.

I touched a bit on my last post saying that other people do not understand my life. I lost another friend. We were close..but I can't and shouldn't choose between two people I love and care for. I'm not gonna lie..it hurts to not have many people to talk to anymore. I left public school in september of '09 and graduated january of 2010. But when I left..I noticed less and less people trying to contact me. It was and is almost as if they don't understand how I live. I'm a mom. A great mom. I love Cayle and I would do absolutely anything for him. I take care of all his needs before my own. It could be eleven o'clock at night before I take a shower or I eat something or I do what I need to. But do I mind.? Of course not. I enjoy it. Lately it feels like I'm in the in between. I'm between schools. I graduated high school. I chose not to go to prom. I chose not to participate in the graduation ceremony either. I start hair school in the fall. I'm in between un-employment and employment. I'm trying to find a job. I think I might've found one. I still want to make time for Cayle and Adam. I've promised them both I would. I want to make friends at this job. I want to work hard at this job to be able to do more for Cayle. I'm very fortunate to have all the help I do. But Cayle is my child. I want to do everything I can for him. I think it's a time in my life for new people. All my old high school friends have left. People who were friends out of school have left. I think this is a fresh start in the making. I have Cayle and Adam. And a few good friends left. I'm thankful I do have some teen moms to meet and get to know a little better. I'd like to. And I have Christina. She's always been there for me. And I wanna be there for her too. I guess come whatever may at this point. As long as I have the people who matter..I'll be okay.

Family Portraits. True Love. False Friendship.?

Here lately things have been good. bad. and ugly. The good. Adam, Cayle and I got a family portrait done yesterday. I think it looks amazing. We look like a happy family. Yesterday we had an amazing date that lasted all day. We went to breakfast with Cayle. And my mom wanted to see us so she came too. We got our portrait done. We spent some time at his house downloading music. Then mom thought I needed a night out so she offered to take Cayle for a couple hours. Needless to say I missed him and so did Adam. It was really quiet without him. We went to my favorite restaurant..Ichiban. Our chef was amazing. Then afterwards we went to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Adam and I jumped at everything. I love scary movies. It was a nice date. We dont get to see each other as often as we used to because he works soo much at his new job. And sometimes he tends to get a little cranky..which i can understand..but about a week ago we had a fight..one of the only ones we've ever had..and it upset me soo I called my friend ashley..and she basically told me..its adam or me. you decide. Ive already had to give up one friend because she hated adam and she was throwing a HUGE fit about us doing something as simple as talking on the phone. She was extremely possessive of me and I couldnt deal with it. But now..it looks like two of the people I thought were my friends will be history..Its not fair for her to make me choose between two people I love and care about. Couples fight. It makes you stronger if you can overcome it. It's not like adam and i fight constantly..Its always once in a blue moon. And we always put effort into fixing things and we're always better again. We don't resent each other at all. I think our portrait is a symbol of togetherness and strength. We are much much better now. I have a job opportunity at a movie theatre. I really hope it pulls through for me. Ill be soo happy. I think I would enjoy working there. I love movies and Ill be around more people my age. But whether or not they will understand my life is another story. Thats why Im so thankful for my friend christina. She understands completely. We went through pregnancy together. Labor together. And now we're experiencing motherhood together. Its a joy. Shes even put together a play group for moms and babies. I think it'll help me meet more people I have things in common with too. Christina has become one of my best friends. And i know she would never make me choose between two people i love like my friend is doing now. and another friend has done in the past. I believe that if you force me to make a decision thats going to hurt me with either choice you arent a real friend to begin with. I know i probably sound like a broken record..but I feel like what i have with adam is very real and could last a lifetime and beyond. And I cant throw that away. I dont intend to either. Cayle is growing so fast. He will be six months old the 3rd. Its crazy how fast hes grown and how much my love grows for him. and this year will be my first mothers day. how crazy.?!?! all in all i believe things are okay in my book. i guess we'll see what happens.

Love of mine.

When I have an awful day and nobody is in a good mood or wants to talk..there's always someone who does. And that's my amazing baby boy. He's always happy to see me when it feels like no one else is. He always wants to spend time with me..even if it's just rolling around on my bed while i watch him. He always looks at me with a look that says "did i do good mommy.?" "did you see me.?" and I love that. It's little moments like that that make me happy. Moments like the three of us, Adam and Cayle and I, curl up and watch a movie..most of the time it's Cayle's pick..which is ALWAYS Horton hears a who. And he falls asleep in either mine or Adam's arms. I finally know what it means to live for little moments. I found the greatest joy in my life. Being a mom is wonderful. I love taking care of Cayle. I love everything from play time to diaper changes to nap time. I love when all he wants is for me to hold him. It makes me feel needed..I never really got that before. He makes me feel like I have a purpose. That I
need to be here..that I have a reason for getting up in the morning. I love feeling that I have love. I love that Adam wants to be a daddy to Cayle. I always forget that it isn't biological. Today I went to church with Adam. We brought Cayle and we went to his grandmother's house for lunch. His family gave cayle a stuffed bunny rabbit and candy [[well..that's more for mommy. lol]] and had an Easter egg hunt just for him. They love Cayle just like a member of their own family. Everyone just talks to him and holds him and plays with them. They love us and accept us. And it's not every day you find a family that is okay with you having a baby by someone else at a young age. I feel like Cayle and I have found some great people we want to have around for a long time. His family is already calling me an 'in-law'. It's crazy but it feels right. In a way it feels like Cayle has found his true dad. Sometimes I look at Adam's baby pictures and I see some resemblance. It just trips me out. His mom says that Cayle acts alot like Adam did when he was a baby. I love how I feel like Adam, Cayle, and I are a family. And we are. I feel a sense of completion when the three of us are together. Cayle is best friend. I'll never let him go a day without knowing he's loved.