I'm realizing..

..that it's just not worth it anymore. Fighting with my mom I mean. Yesterday was the last straw. I don't ask for much. Just money to get to school and back. I don't ask for spending money. I don't ask for money to eat on. I dont ask for new clothes. I dont ask for anything..because it's just not worth it. She throws a fit when I ask for gas money. "I can't keep doing this." Today, I've done laundry, dishes, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, and I know when she gets home it's going to be looked right over and I'm going to be 'lazy'. I'm just tired of it. Talking to her about the issue does nothing..except make her lay in bed for days and when she finally comes out of hiding she will say "Are you ready to apologize to me.?" In her eyes, she can do no wrong. It's ridiculous, and it's a fight that I don't even wanna waste time on anymore. She's just gonna have to deal with her tantrums and crap on her own, because I'm not giving into it anymore.

I REALLY think he's going to ask..oh no..im gonna puke.

He keeps telling me he has big plans for us when he gets back..the first day he was gone, he "casually" asked my ring size. He won't tell me what we're doing, where we're going, or ANYTHING. But what's really making me think he's gonna ask is his aunt. She's been txting me every day since he left, and we were talking yesterday and the conversation went like this :

tanya: 'so has adam told you what y'all are doing this weekend.?"
me: 'no, he hasn't said a word.'
tanya: 'i know what y'all are doing..the whole family does."
me : 'really.? what is it.?'
tanya : 'can't tell you babygirl. he'll shoot me. haha'
me : 'not even a tiny hint :)'
tanya : 'bells.'
me : 'like christmas bells.?'
tanya : 'no.'

come on.!!! as if that isnt obvious enough, she goes right into a conversation about what I'd want in my wedding, and asks if adam and i have ever talked about getting married. but, i played dumb, and I'm gonna try to play dumb whenever we go out saturday..if I can keep from shaking the entire date, and avoid going into the bathroom to calm myself down every five minutes. I want him to have the satisfaction of thinking he surprised me...but gosh, im sooooooooo nervous. I wish I had no idea he was gonna ask..I know I'm gonna say yes..but god...im sooooo scared..but happy..but nervous..no..i think im gonna pukeee. we'll see how it goes i guess.

Possible proposal.!?!

I think adam's going to propose this weekend...im terrified..my first engagement went terrible..but once you get engaged..there is literally no turing back...wish me luck.

Shaken.

I thought I'd never see them again..Never expected it to hurt me as bad as it did..I saw my's ex's mother and step father..while I was out with Cayle..I didn't even know that was her until I felt arms going around me trying to hug me and I jumped back..and once I saw who it was I wanted to run..In that instant I felt all the pain I was put through come rushing back. The pain of his addictions to heroin, marjuana, alcohol..he never told me he loved me when he was sober..All the names rang through my head he called me..b*tch, c*nt, slut, whore. All the guilt trips he put me on when I was innocent, "If you really loved me you'd let me" "You've changed. You're not the girl I once knew, after this baby comes we need to rethink us." All the things he cheated me out of, money, promises, support,. "What we have is empty and I'm growing to hate you." " I don't care what you do just leave me alone." "You're here for sex then your leaving." "I just need a break from you to date this girl..I love you but I think this could be something." "I never cheated on you. I was just testing you and your trust for me.." Even after delivering the baby I woke every two hours alone careful not to wake him..I had no help...I did my whole pregnancy alone..After getting the point that I didn't want to talk to them, I left the store and cried...I was so scared he was in the store that I calmed down as quickly as possible and drove to the other side of town thirty minutes away..I tried to talk to someone about it..but its hard..all this posted here was one a small portion of the things he did...But I try to keep in mind I gained more than I lost..he lost more than he gained. He lost both of us. He'll never be in our life. I gained Adam. The love of my life. And my child's daddy. Not father, but daddy. All I have to say to my ex is lay in the bed you made because i'm fine without you and so is Cayle. Thanks for nothing.

49 Mistakes



Woke up this morning , got a glimpse of your face. Your eyes gave a warning, that I might be out of place. Been trippin' on down this lonely road, it's getting old and that fire in your eyes babe , has gone and turned me cold.

So get goin' , get gone I can't look at your face. I've seen this all before, and 49 more mistakes. I've been tryin' but I ain't dyin' , on the inside for you , So get goin' .. get goin' get gone.

It ain't no big surprise, that your rain keeps pouring down If only for my demise , you've been hangin' hangin' around. Lord knows these tears have cried a river or two, But you find a way , can't tell night from day , leave me drowning over you . Your just an overload , nothin' but an overload

Confidence Is Key..

Ever since I started beauty school, I've noticed my self esteem needs a lot of work. I've noticed the need to match outter beauty with inner beauty. I've noticed more than anything, I don't have a lot of confidence.. I feel like that all needs to change. And that happy girls are the prettiest girls, but if I'm not happy with my appearance, how can I be happy inside and out.? I cant. There's just no way around it. I feel chubby, plain, boring, and like I don't do enough to enhance natural beauty. People can tell me all the time that I'm pretty or that I'm a nice person, but I need to feel it. I guess I wanna be a little more girly. Something that goes beyond jeans and a tee shirt and a pair of sneakers. I wanna feel good about myself. I wanna feel pretty. I know that if I don't start feeling better about myself soon, people will pick up on my negative self image and it'll drag them down and I don't want that..I don't want Cayle to feel that..or Adam..or anyone I'm close to. I wanna take a little time for myself each day to just do something to make myself feel better about being me..whether it be going for a jog or fixing my hair. I need to do something..I'm at breaking point when it comes to body image. Even girls at school told me I don't do enough for myself. I do everything for everyone else and whatevers left over is for me, but in my mind..that's the way its supposed to be. Cayle first. Mama last. That's part of being a great mom. But I still wanna be a great mom but feel good about myself. I wanna wear jewelry. I wanna wear cute tops. I wanna do all those things that a girl is supposed to do to make herself feel good. Is there anything wrong with that.?

All I have to say is wow..

I learned how to do finger waves tonight at school. It was fun once I got the hang of it. I did 10 sets. I was proud. I also did four shampoos. Speaking of shampoos, I wanna try to get my shampoo tech license to make some extra cash. My mom's stylist said I could tech under her for a little while. That will be GREAT.!! Not only will I get extra cash, but it'll make me a better cosmetologist. Mom has decided to get me a prepaid debit card and load it with 300 dollars a month. That's 75 dollars a week. It's more than enough to last me, but this gives me the chance to budget my own money and have it when I need it. THANK GOD.!! I'm getting tired of asking for handouts. It makes me feel like an eighth of a person..it REALLY does. So with that and the possible shampooing tech position money won't be much of an issue hopefully. I know money will still be tight but at least it'll give me a little breathing room. I just have to learn to budget and find places with the best deals on things like baby items and clothes and gas. Cayle and I had a nice day out today. I picked up adam's xbox for him then afterwards I put gas in my car. Cayle and I went to walmart and tried on funny halloween hats. I got him some taller baby spoons because he's in big boy food jars now and table food. I got him another tonka truck for his birthday. this one has a platform on it for the tiny tonka trucks. Then we got some taco bell and shared my flat bread sandwich (which was amazing and I'm addicted) then we went to this AMAZING dollar tree beside my house. I stocked up on christmas wrapping paper, christmas cards, birthday decor, birthday wrapping paper..oh and gummy worms. My new favorite thing. This morning we went for a short stroll too. Trying to stay as busy as possible has helped..but I really really miss adam. Since he's been on this trip we haven't gotten to talk much..I kinda teared up at school a little today. No one saw thank goodness. After school, I wrapped all of cayle's presents that he has so far from me. I still need to get him the Noah's Arc play set and a few more of those tonka trucks, then I'll be finished. I'm getting him a birthday card, and I wanna write something memorable in it..something that's a little more unique than a typical greeting card message. I'm busting my butt trying to get his scrapbook done too. There's so much to do and nowhere near enough time. But I'm determined and in time i'll have it done. I did manage to find a place for his party. It's going to be at St. Johns church..It wasn't my first choice, but it's spacious. And there's a gym and stuff so as long as Cayle has fun and a great first birthday then I'm happy too. I saw pumpkins today in walmart. I'm soo ready for fall. I know it sounds weird but the only time I feel pretty is in my winter clothes and fall clothes. From what I understand..I'll be out of school for 2-3 weeks while they move the school. It'll be around november or december..and to be honest, I'm kinda excited. It'll be nice to spend all that time with Cayle and Adam. I feel like Adam has a surprise up his sleeve for when he comes home. I know he's gonna end up spoiling me somehow. And that he wants to go to a haunted house. But other than that..I know nothing. Haha. Anyone know of any hanuted houses opening at the end of the month.?

blogging about my day..

Today was okay I guess..exluding the fact my mom and I got into yet another argument. Adam and I talked a lot today so it made it a little easier. I had a good class. I did my first shampooing tonight. I was proud. I got a good manicure too. Cayle and I played all day and watching christmas movies..maybe tomorrow we can take some pictures together. He's been taking care of me while Adams been gone ;) I don't know why I've been thinking about christmas and family traditions so much..I guess because I want Cayle to have a closeness with me that I never really had with my parents..Don't get it wrong I love my parents, they do a lot for me, but I just need a little breathing room and ALOT less fighting. You can cut the tension between mom and me with a knife. Its just not healthy..but that's how its always been. And I want Cayle and I to be able to goof off and hang out and be best friends you know.? I want our home to be the one everyone feels at home the minute they walk in. I want Cayle to be able to say one day, "That's my mama. SHe busted her butt taking care of me and I gotta look out for her." It may sound silly, but thats what I want. I want that closeness with him that I never had. I guess thats why I read alot into family traditions and always looking for things we can do together. Thats why a couple of his presents are what they are. Like the ball. He picked it out, but once he learns to walk we can play together. And his blocks, we can build them into tall towers together. Granted, if he wants to play on his own thats fine too. But if he wants me to play too I'm all for it. Haha. I hope I can get him his Noah's arc set sometime this weekend. Then I can get the rest of the decorations and stuff later. I am strongly leaning towards having his party in the park close to my house. I apologize if it's a long drive and I understand if some people can't make it. Gas is always a problem for me. I have to make less than half a tank last all week...and weekend..mom told me today 'You run out, you won't go to school.' It's comments like that that she makes all the time that really get to me..I dunno..the only thing I know to do is to just stay out of the way and leave nothing behind me for her to complain or get onto me about...i guess it'll help me stay busy. Fall is sooo close I can taste it. I wanna get a scarecrow from walmart for Cayle. He needs to really have the true fall experience haha. It'd be nice if we could make our own, but I don;t think he'd sit still long enough. I can't wait for adam to come home..Weekends here = not gonna happen. I dont wanna stay here. Not with mom all weekend. nope. nuh uh. nooo way. help.?

Cayle's presents from mommy.

I still wanna get him his noah's ark playset. I don't know if I can buy more animals to go with it, but if not I guess someone else could..or it could be a christmas thing. :) these are all his little gifts from me. :D

I dunno what to call this one.

So far so good..Adam has managed to make me smile even miles away. He called me last night to ask my ring size and bought me a cute skull and crossbones ring. It made me happy. I feel like taking some pictures..but I dunno. I wanna try to take Cayle to the park one day this week but I really don't wanna go alone. I'm counting down to Christmas. 108 days. By the time Adam gets back it'll almost be time for Rock City. The fall trip that is. And the pumpkin patch. :D I think right now..cayle and I are gonna draw on the side walk if its not too hot. I'll post pictures later.

Surviving the next three weeks..

Thats gonna be tough.. My plan is to stay as busy as I possibly can so I don't have time to be sad. Adam put a letter in my bag before he left. I didnt see it until I got home. It basically told me how much Cayle and I meant to him and how much I meant to him. And how he thanked God for bringing us to him. It meant the world to me he took his time to write that. He even took the time to draw a heart with our names in it. I put it in the scrapbook so when he finally sees the finished product he'll look at it and smile. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really upset that he's gone..but I guess we'll appreciate each other even more than we do now. Everything will be perfect. I just hope this goes by fast..we'll see I guess. I miss him already. :( but like I said..time to stay busy and get alot done so nothing will be in the way when he comes home and we can spend time together again.

Almost done.!.

My hard work is paying off. I finally got to get Cayle some more birthday presents. Granted, they're the tonka trucks I wanted to make sure he had, but to make sure he has them all he only needs two or three more. But I will post pictures of the ones he has. They're adorable.!!. I also got him a ball so we can play in the yard once he learns how to walk. Its bright green. It was the one he wanted so I didn't argue. So now he has 11 gifts from mama. But I'm not done. I still wanna get him the little people's noah's ark. That will be his big gift from me. They have other animals you can buy for ten dollars at toys r us. I dunno if I'll have the money for them, but I can try I guess. If not its a good idea for christmas. :) I've made the rough draft of the guest list, and there's about 50 people on it. If possible I'm going to rent out the pavilion in the park close to my house. Its spacious and its big enough for all 50 of the guests. Miss Brittney has helped me by designing Cayle's invitations (and they look great by the way) And I'll be sending them out about two weeks before the party. I do need to get the rest of the decorations, but that mostly consists of confetti, table cloths, plates and silverware. I would love to make Cayle's personal cake myself. The one he gets to smash his face in. As far as the cake for everyone else, I hope everyone likes cookie cake. I do need to make sure none of the children coming have any food allergies. But as far as everything else goes, I'm very excited. :D I hope he can fit in his birthday shirt I got him at Carters.

Adam leaves sunday..this is going to SUCK. I seriously have no idea what I'm gonna do. It's gonna be lonely for sure. I know I'm gonna cry when I drop him off.. ehhhh.
D;

I made a ten dollar tip cutting hair today. I was super super proud of myself. It turned out to be one of the best ones I've done..not that any were bad. This one just turned out better than the others.

All in all, things are good..I think I want to take cayle to the county fair this year. It'll be something we can do together for fun. It'll get my mind off of things too. Maybe someone could go with us. any takers.?

Ideas for christmas.

I know we have a couple holidays to go before christmas actually gets here but, this year's christmas is going to be a special one. Its mine and adam's first christmas as a couple. It's cayle's first christmas where he can interact with everyone and be excited. So I thought i'd make a list of some ideas I'd like to see happen this christmas also gift ideas and traditions.

tonka trucks in cayles stocking.
decorating stockings together.
making a gingerbread house.
making gingerbread cookies.
sending gift baskets to family and friends with a little something in them for everyone.
special ornaments being made for adam and i as a couple, cayle for his own, and a family ornament.
black friday shopping like a ninja..(ive done it every year)
parties.
letting cayle open one present christmas eve.
picture with santa.
rock city.
home made hot cider or hot chocolate.
making adam a stocking along with the gifts i get him.
decorating together.
lots of pictures in whatever snow we get (if any)
dinners.
i wanna try to get cayle some type of tricycle or wagon.
I know I wanna get adam something really really special..i just dont know what yet..

ill think of more..i just wanted to get started.

What a day. :D but in a good way.

Today was absolutely great. Adam and I took Cayle to the Creative Discovery Museum with Christina, Chris, Grace, Morgan, and her son Christian. It was a blast. At first, I was afraid Cayle wouldnt have that much fun because the last time I was there, they didnt have much for babies, but a lot has changed since then. They had a whole play area for just babies. It was so fun. Adam got a lot of pictures of Cayle, but Cayle was to wrapped up in playing with all the toys and going through the exhibits that he didn't really care much for his picture being taken. Haha. Adam loves bonding with Cayle. It was so much fun to watch all the babies splash in the water. All of them got soaked. I hit my head pretty hard trying to climb up through the play ground to get to adam and cayle. I'm glad Adam got to spend some time with us before he leaves sunday..I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself while he's gone. It's just gonna suck being without him for almost an entire month. But like I said..I'm trying to be positive and think about how happy we'll be to see each other again. Adam has my car for the rest of the week. Soo I'm just chilling at home with Cayle. We're spending a lot of time together during the day because I hate being away from him at school, but in the long run it will be better for us. As soon as I got hime tonight, I mmediately started working on my scrapbooks. Scrapbooks make it easy and more enjoyable (not that it wasnt before) to document the things that happen in Cayle's life. I guess because I can be more creative with it. I know this is really off topic, but I decided to wrap Cayle's birthday presents since he likes to get into paper. hahah. I'm also thinking of ideas for christmas. This is cayle's first family christmas with both a mom and a dad and I wanna make it special. Not only that, but it's my first christmas with adam. And I wanna make it special for us too. It's so close to my favorite time of year. I can almost taste it. Now if I can survive these next three weeks..I'll be ok. Keep me sane girls.!.

Just blogging. :)

I've made a discovery that Cayle loves the 'Little People' toys. And that he really likes the noah's ark set. I took him to my friend Alliea's house so I could see her and he could play with her nephew. He's almost two, but Cayle doesn't mind. It's sweet to watch them. But Cayle really liked her nephews noah's ark set. I'd love to get it for him for his birthday as one of his BIG presents from me. I have him 3 of those little tonka trucks for toddlers that you see at walmart for like 4.00. I got him the race car, the taxi, and the garbage truck. Those are the ones he wanted. But hopefully I can get him some more for his birthday. Or someone else or something. The noah's ark thing you can buy more animals for. Today, I'm taking him to the discovery museum with chris and christina and baby grace. Adam is coming too. I'm really excited. Sunday, Adam is gonna have to leave me for three weeks for this buisness trip. I'm not really gonna know what to do with myself..but I keep reminding myself of how happy I'll be to see him when he comes home. He's promising me a fun night when he comes back, but I wanna make his last night memorable. I guess I wanna do something spontanious and romantic just to show him that him going away to make sure in the long run cayle and I are taken care of when we finally move in together does mean a lot and that I am really proud of him. Speaking of moving in together. Adam has a queen size bed for us. A desk. And an night table. We have a microwave. Possibly couches. A lamp.Coffee tables. I'm trying to make a check list of everything we have so after birthdays and christmas I can focus on getting what we need. School is going okay, I just havent had much time to study when I need to. I'm really trying to get everything done in time to go out onto the floor. I'm getting close. I have a couple hair cuts and manicures and a little of this and that but im getting there. I'm trying to find a new place for Cayle's party..I'm not having much luck. Cayle is getting three 1st birthday parties. Adam's family wants to throw one. I'm throwing one for everyone. Then I'm having a small one that consists of us spending the day together as mother and son. We'll go to the aquarium and lunch. :D I can't believe how big he's gotten. I feel as if things are starting to look up. Cayle's getting a new carseat this week. THANK GOD. he needed one. I'll post pictures later from todays events.

Little of this and that.

Over the weekend I have done some cool stuff. Adam and I made dinner together for the first time. It was really fun. We even visited the halloween stores that just opened up. Adam found a costume he liked. And I found one I thought I'd like better for Cayle than the one I got him a while ago. But there's still time to pick something out. I really wanna take Cayle to the pumpkin patch this year. He needs a pumpkin just his size. It'll be our own family tradition each year..along with a few other things..like the scrapbook idea..I got a scrapbook and I'm waiting on some photo paper to come so I can get started again on BOTH of my scrapbooks. I have one for our little family. And one that's going to be strictly Cayle. From birth to the first birthday. I'm really hoping it turns out well. Our family scrapbook looks really good. I'm very impressed with how it turned out. I had almost forgotten how creative I can be. I'm trying to think of more fall traditions. I'm not having much luck..but it'll work out. I did two hair cuts over the weekend. And tehy turned out great. I even did a color job. I'm very proud. Adam leaves for his trip this saturday..I'm gonna be so sad. It sucks hes going away for 3 weeks. :/ I keep thinking about how I'll feel so happy to see him again. He's promised me a fancy night out. Complete with dinner, shopping, and starbucks. I'm very excited. No matter what, Adam always finds a way to spoil me. But it evens out. Because I try to spoil him too. This year is going to be our first christmas together, and I wanna make everything perfect for my two favorite boys. Cayle was very young last christmas..this year is definitely going to be fun. I wanna try to shoot for some christmas photos if at all possible. I know for sure I'm gonna take cayle to rock city to see the lights and the enchanted rock gardens. I'm very excited. :D This week, Adam, Cayle, and I are going to the creative discovery museum for family day. I'm working harder and harder in school and I did my first haircuts last week. I didnt mess up either.!! Tonight I gave Cayle a bath and it was probably the funnest bath I've given him in a while. He's learned he can kick in the water and get me soaked.!! The weather has been beautiful these past few days. I think if it's still pretty tomorrow, Cayle and I will go strolling. :) I hope I get to work on my scrapbooks soon. There isn't much time left to get it done. The family one, I need more pictures of the three of us together. Cayles pictures are covered hahahaah. I'm crazy about getting tons of pictures of him. Maybe I can go back and decorate them with stickers and stuff. Right now, I'm just making collages on each page. And so far, its looking good. I'm soo happy fall is coming. I can't wait to get Cayle some awesome fall clothes. Little hoodies and jeans. He's gonna look sooo cute. I think I might've found somewhere to have his party. Its very close to my house..and walking distance to a playground. And for those who are coming from GA, I will give you gas money if you need it because I know its a LONG drive from there to here. I'll write more later when I have something interesting to talk about haha.

It's Time. (revised)

Standing up for myself and being more assertive with what I need is definitely a must, but piercing my nose won't make it happen..it may even worsen the situation. I think I said those things I did out of anger and frustration. I decided that I just need to keep being as responsible as I have been. And continue with what I'm doing. However, changes do need to be made. I do need to be assertive about my needs. Not wants, but needs. Like more hours at school. And time to take a shower. I do need the money to not only keep my head about water, but to have that breathing room or emergency money if needed. I think there are better ways of making a point that actually sinks in rather than running out and getting a nose stud. However, I would like to have one, but it can wait. For the bettering of my life with Cayle. I am going to stand up for myself. and I am going to be a little more assertive. And my plans to move out are being put in motion a little more each day. I'm not gonna let things build up and upset me like they have been. I will try to make a little time to post about everything on my mind. good or bad. because it does help. Here goes nothing.

It's time.

I feel like it's time for me to have a firmer hand with my parents..when it comes down to what I need. And what Cayle needs. I feel like its time that they treat me like the adult I am instead of the immature 12 year old they see me as. I know I'm a great mother. I know in my heart that I've never denied Cayle of anything he needs and for most of the stuff he wants. I've never ever put my needs before his. I've been a great mom from the start. He may not have every toy he wants..but he has my love, and Adam's love. We're a family. And both Adam and I are trying to better our lives now to makes sure we're set for our future as a family. Adam's picking up a second job and working towards getting his g.e.d. I'm in college to get a good job that makes a lot of money and security is good too. I've decided to ask my cousin for help by letting her watch Cayle a couple days a week so I can go into school earlier. So I can get out sooner. Into a salon sooner. Into my own home sooner. With Cayle. With Adam. I can show my parents that I can do it on my own. That I don't need their help. Whether my mother likes it or not, I am letting my cousin watch Cayle so I can get through school as quickly as possible. Im gonna ACE all my cosmetology tests to show that I'm a great student. I'm gonna use the tips I make at school to buy more things for Cayle. And my future apartment so my family won't say "Oh you bought a place but you barely have anything to put in it.?" "What if Cayle needs something and you don't have it.?" I've made a list. I've gotten a few things on it. Slowly, but surely I'll get there. I take care of Cayle every day. (well, duh) But at the same time, I'm leaving nothing behind for my mother to complain about. He gets his baths daily. He gets laundry and sheets washed and rotated weekly. I keep our room very clean so he won't find something to get into that'll hurt him. I do everything for him but I go above and beyond to show my mother that I don't need her help with him. That Cayle is MY responsibility and I don't need help when it isn't asked for. I want to show her that I am an adult and I act like the adult I am. And whether she likes it or not I am going to make decisions for myself and my child whether she agrees with them or not. And for the first decision I'm making for MYSELF is that I'm going to pierce my nose. Nothing real gawky. A tiny silver stud to represent my independence and my assertiveness to make my own decisions. I suppose you could consider my decision for Cayle is to move into our own place and to be our own family. But in all honesty..I'm tired of being ran over everyday, put down, and stepped on by my own family. So..the point is i need to stand up for myself..here goes nothing. wish me luck. oh, and by the way..i lost my party place so i need a new party place for cayle any suggestions or places you know of would be great. also, if you like the collage I made for this post send me some pictures and I will make you one. ( you can send up to four pictures for one collage. but if you want more than one send me four for each collage.)