'Dada.'

Cayle started saying 'dada dada dada' whenever adam held him at church yesterday. Everyone could here it clear as day. Cayle made sure adam and i didnt go too far whenever his mom or sister held him. whenever i was around he would say 'dada' and look for adam. adam is the only dad cayle has ever known. the way he was with cayle at church. holding him. kissing him. playing with him. i dont know what it was about it..but it made me fall in love with adam a little more. it takes a big man to love a child that isnt his like his own. and the thought of that alone gives me butterflies. adam has been good to cayle..and me. we're talking more about later when we get our place together. how hes ready for it. im ready for it too. it'll be nice to be our own family..having meals together..holidays..movie time for just the two of us after cayle goes to bed. its amazing how happy i am. his family has told me that cayle and i fit in well. they txt me just to say hi. and to ask how cayle is. its cool how i feel like i belong. his mom is already calling cayle her grandbaby. his whole family is already calling me an in law. its soon..but i dont care. it feels like it should. his aunt was telling me yesterday..about how adam talks about cayle and me all the time. he told her he wants to spoil me..keep me happy. and how he feels like im 'the one'. i feel in my heart like he's 'the one'. i dont think i could be happier. i cant ask for more. ive got it all. a wonderful family. a beautiful son. my friends who do understand what its like to be in my shoes. [[not that my shoes are a bad place to be.]] and adam. i feel like i've left the dark age in my life..now i get to live in the light. 2009 wasn't my year. [[with the execption of cayle's birth.]] but i feel like 2010 is my year. 2011 will be better. by next summer ill have my place with adam and cayle and my dream career. im excited. things cant get better. ive got it all.

Love is cleaning out the gutters and steak and shake.

today..i just felt like blogging for no reason. adam came over today to help my mom out by cleaning out the gutters since my dad left for a trip to maryland for work earlier this week. i helped him out too. we got super dirty and sweaty..but whats funny..is that we were actually having fun doing a dirty job like that. we kept laughing about the stupid stuff we'd say..how his butt was getting sun burned. haha. i love how adam and i can be anywhere doing anything and still enjoy each other's company. after we got finished cleaning the gutters out we got cayle and went to steak and shake. it was a nice meal..but i also made the personal decision to eat only white meat from now on. i was a vegetarian..but it was too hard to do because a had very slim options eating and i wasn't getting enough nutrition. im sure in time if i discover more vegetarian options i'll go back to it..but for now..this is what i want. and trust me..im extremely picky about my eating habits. i hate myself for even thinking of eating chips or sweets. im into taking care of my body..its my forte. now if only i could find more time for exercising. things would be perfect..but being a mom and on your toes constantly is exercise....right.? i guess you could label my diet as a Pollo-vegetarian..idk. im not too sure about eating the chicken..i feel kinda like a 'fake vegetarian' for it. but today was a good day. i realized alot of things..like how adam isn't going anywhere..he HATES doing gutters..but he did it for me..after working an 8 hour shift.he goes and goes and goes..all for cayle..for me..for us. he's wonderful..and having both cayle and adam in my life..i feel like the luckiest girl ever.

My first mother's day.

Yesterday was my first mother's day. It was definitely something to remember. I woke up to two cards. One from my parents..and one from Cayle. :) Dad wanted to take us out for breakfast..but everywhere was packed..or finished with breakfast..so we settled on Ryan's. The food was really good. We got full fast. People told me what a cute boy Cayle is. It made me feel special. I love when people tells me he looks like me..that makes me happy that he doesn't look like his sperm donor who shall remain nameless. :D. People tell me sometimes he looks like Adam though. That's nice to hear too. After we went to eat we went to Walmart. When we got home I fed Cayle his baby food and played with him. Then I got a call from Adam. He wanted to make me dinner and do something special for me for mother's day. When I got there he had me zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots all ready to be grilled. And he had hot dogs for him. He got me my favorite kind of soda too. Strawberry soda. MMMMM.! After we ate we put Cayle down for a nap and watched a movie. We cuddled up together and he just held me..and I loved every minute of it. We played with Cayle after he got up. Then I had to go home. I had an amazing mothers day. It made me proud to be a mom. Even more so than I am.

In the in between.

I touched a bit on my last post saying that other people do not understand my life. I lost another friend. We were close..but I can't and shouldn't choose between two people I love and care for. I'm not gonna lie..it hurts to not have many people to talk to anymore. I left public school in september of '09 and graduated january of 2010. But when I left..I noticed less and less people trying to contact me. It was and is almost as if they don't understand how I live. I'm a mom. A great mom. I love Cayle and I would do absolutely anything for him. I take care of all his needs before my own. It could be eleven o'clock at night before I take a shower or I eat something or I do what I need to. But do I mind.? Of course not. I enjoy it. Lately it feels like I'm in the in between. I'm between schools. I graduated high school. I chose not to go to prom. I chose not to participate in the graduation ceremony either. I start hair school in the fall. I'm in between un-employment and employment. I'm trying to find a job. I think I might've found one. I still want to make time for Cayle and Adam. I've promised them both I would. I want to make friends at this job. I want to work hard at this job to be able to do more for Cayle. I'm very fortunate to have all the help I do. But Cayle is my child. I want to do everything I can for him. I think it's a time in my life for new people. All my old high school friends have left. People who were friends out of school have left. I think this is a fresh start in the making. I have Cayle and Adam. And a few good friends left. I'm thankful I do have some teen moms to meet and get to know a little better. I'd like to. And I have Christina. She's always been there for me. And I wanna be there for her too. I guess come whatever may at this point. As long as I have the people who matter..I'll be okay.

Family Portraits. True Love. False Friendship.?

Here lately things have been good. bad. and ugly. The good. Adam, Cayle and I got a family portrait done yesterday. I think it looks amazing. We look like a happy family. Yesterday we had an amazing date that lasted all day. We went to breakfast with Cayle. And my mom wanted to see us so she came too. We got our portrait done. We spent some time at his house downloading music. Then mom thought I needed a night out so she offered to take Cayle for a couple hours. Needless to say I missed him and so did Adam. It was really quiet without him. We went to my favorite restaurant..Ichiban. Our chef was amazing. Then afterwards we went to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Adam and I jumped at everything. I love scary movies. It was a nice date. We dont get to see each other as often as we used to because he works soo much at his new job. And sometimes he tends to get a little cranky..which i can understand..but about a week ago we had a fight..one of the only ones we've ever had..and it upset me soo I called my friend ashley..and she basically told me..its adam or me. you decide. Ive already had to give up one friend because she hated adam and she was throwing a HUGE fit about us doing something as simple as talking on the phone. She was extremely possessive of me and I couldnt deal with it. But now..it looks like two of the people I thought were my friends will be history..Its not fair for her to make me choose between two people I love and care about. Couples fight. It makes you stronger if you can overcome it. It's not like adam and i fight constantly..Its always once in a blue moon. And we always put effort into fixing things and we're always better again. We don't resent each other at all. I think our portrait is a symbol of togetherness and strength. We are much much better now. I have a job opportunity at a movie theatre. I really hope it pulls through for me. Ill be soo happy. I think I would enjoy working there. I love movies and Ill be around more people my age. But whether or not they will understand my life is another story. Thats why Im so thankful for my friend christina. She understands completely. We went through pregnancy together. Labor together. And now we're experiencing motherhood together. Its a joy. Shes even put together a play group for moms and babies. I think it'll help me meet more people I have things in common with too. Christina has become one of my best friends. And i know she would never make me choose between two people i love like my friend is doing now. and another friend has done in the past. I believe that if you force me to make a decision thats going to hurt me with either choice you arent a real friend to begin with. I know i probably sound like a broken record..but I feel like what i have with adam is very real and could last a lifetime and beyond. And I cant throw that away. I dont intend to either. Cayle is growing so fast. He will be six months old the 3rd. Its crazy how fast hes grown and how much my love grows for him. and this year will be my first mothers day. how crazy.?!?! all in all i believe things are okay in my book. i guess we'll see what happens.