Taking the steps to bettering myself and getting my life started.

I posted a blog a few weeks ago about how I was ready to start my life and to better myself. Well...I'm getting there. I got my car fixed..after it finally died on me. Thanks for that firestone. x[. Now I'm enrolling in hair school today. I'm going to go full time so I can get out faster. I want more than anything for my goals and dreams to be a reality. I'd give anything to see it. I want Cayle to be proud of his mommy. I want to finish school. Get in a salon. Get my place with Adam. And we can raise Cayle. Be a real family. I'm starting a hope chest. I'm going to start buying for the apartment between now and the time we move in. That way we'll have almost everything. I'm getting the basics. Sheets..towels..kitchen supplies..etc. Even when I don't want to..I know I have to keep going if I want to embrace my chance at a happy life. I've said it before..taht the worst part of my life is over. I'm much happier. I just wanna be able to make my life reflect how I feel. I want to make something of myself. So my list is this. Whenever I meet a goal I'll put an X beside it.

[X] got my car fixed.
[X] enroll in school.
[X] buy for the apartment. [i bought a lamp to start out.]
[ ] graduate from school.
[ ] Get in a salon.
[ ] find an apartment.
[ ] move in.
[ ] marry Adam.

Im surprising Adam this weekend with a picnic in the park. Wish me luck.

Overcoming My Final Demon.

Since my last relationship with Cayle's sperm donor..I've been battling with a demon I guess you could say. I couldn't give someone my full trust..let alone my heart. I wanna say now..that i'm no longer figting the demon. I can love now without fear. I can trust again. And its so scary..but so comforting at the same time. I needed to know I wasn't a puppet on strings again..but all at once I realized how far Adam has gone for me..and how much he truly cares. I swear it hit me all at once. I wasn't doing anything to trigger the thought..i was making bottles..and I thought to myself..i'm not being strung along..i'm not miserable..im actually happy..adam has gone above and beyond for me..I can love without fear. I needed this. I needed to know that I wasn't going to fear being in love. I'm not going to lie..I've fallen HARD for adam. harder than I have for ANYBODY..that includes the biological father of my son. I cant express..how much i needed to know that true love existed. and that i could have something so special..something not based on lies..i feel truly blessed to have my son..and now the love of my life. i feel needed..and loved. i needed to feel like i mattered..and that i wasnt just here for no reason..and i do now. my son needs me..and adam and i need each other. i have no more battles left to fight. i always say..it cant rain all the time..bring on the sunshine.

Learning to be more optimistic.

I'm trying to be more optimistic. Trying to see more good in a bad situation. If I don't pick up this habit quick..I'm literally going to worry myself into a heart attack. Friday my car broke down all the way in Soddy daisy. Lucky enough for me..Adam knows a thing or two about cars. We made it to a gas station and a tower came and towed it to his shop where hopefully it'll be fixed in a week or two. Until then..I'm driving my mom's car. It's alot nicer than my car. Only downside is that it uses alot of gas. Friday night I came home crying from it. I kept saying "Why cant I just have one thing go right.?" I mean seriously..I can't find work anywhere. No matter HOW HARD I try. And I want to so I can do more for Cayle. To have that extra spending money. To have that emergency money. So on and so on. It's seriously getting to the point of where I truly feel worthless some days. But then that brings back the point of trying to see the good in a bad situation. The good being that I have all my time to spend with the truest joy I have..and that's Cayle. Adam works 5 days a week. He goes in at 4 a.m. and doesn't usually get off until 1:30 p.m. He comes home and either sleeps or relaxes by playing his xbox or talking to me..or both. But needless to say..I don't get to see him more than 3 or 4 times a week. And if I worked..there's absolutely no telling when I'd see him. So as my form of work..I keep house for my mother.She pays me and I use that money to get me through the week. She also picks up whatever Cayle needs. But still..money is tight. Saturday..my mom and dad took me out to cheer me up. We went to Walmart..and I got to pick out some clothes for Cayle that I wanted him to have. He's growing up sooo fast..all the things he got at his shower no longer fit him anymore. Dad got me the last Disney movie I needed..Hercules. And I got Disney silly bands. Cayle also got these teething passies. They seem to work pretty well. After Walmart..we went to the new Academy sports. Cayle got a float and I got some tops. After that we went to my favorite restaurant..Ichiban.!!. I felt alot better..but my day wasn't over. Mom insisted on keeping Cayle and letting me go out on a date with Adam. Adam took me to Logan's to eat. Then we played mini golf. He won by four strokes. We had fun. And decided to skip the haunted carnival in october..and go to ruby falls. I've never been but I'm excited. Today I woke up and went to church with Adam. I love his family. They're so welcoming and always happy to see me..and it's really nice to feel like I belong in a family besides the one I have. They're going to be my in-laws someday so I might as well love them. ;) After church Adam and I went to pizza hut. Cayle decided he wanted a breadstick and tried to grab Adam's breadstick..and the dipping sauce it came with..trust me..he didn't get very far with that stunt. By the way..I think they should make it a law to where all public places have changing tables. Its difficultwithout one. Last week Mom ordered Aladdin off of Amazon for me so I would have all the Disney movies on DVD. I hope it comes soon. I dont wanna sit around the house bored out of my mind ALL week. Wish me luck on this whole optimism thing..I'm pretty sure I'll need it.

Goals. Dreams. And realizations.

writing down your goals helps you realize what you need to make it happen.

my goal as of now is to find work. i'd love to be able to find a job somewhere like hobby lobby or michaels..or even a book store. I'd love to have my own money so I'd feel more independent. I wanna be able to spoil
cayle and take care of myself. Not to mention whenever I do get a place with Adam I wanna make sure I don't have to leave him. And I want for cayle to be able to have his own space for playing and sleeping. I know when he gets older he's not gonna want to share a room with mommy.

I have a new scrapbook. I got it for the three of us. Adam cayle and I. And I need ideas for it. I wanna put a lot of time and effort into it. I want it to be something we can look at all the time and not be bored
of. I know I wanna put all of our movie tickets in there. And pictures of us on the holidays. But other than that...I've got nothing.

I try my hardest to never ever waste a penny. But with being a mom money is always tight. I'm not saying I'm bad with money I just wanna be better with it. I wanna be able to have emergency money handy when cayle needs something or for the apartment it costs alot to move and if I wanna have a place with Adam by this time next year saving as much as possible needs to happen.

I clean throughout the week. But believe it or not I'm not very organized. I've been wanting to make lists of stuff I'll need for the apartment and to start buying it and putting it up for the move. Things like towels and dishes etc..but I don't know what I want until I make a list. Hence why I'd like to have a job to start buying some of this and why the emergency money would be a great thing to have right now.

I guess I just feel like it's time to get started. Time to get serious about being more independent and more serious about this getting a place thing. Instead of it just being like a distant dream kind of thing. Regardless I'm very excited even though I have a while. I've started the application process. Sooo wish me luck and drop me some scrapbook ideas.

stress.

normally. i try to keep my problems to myself. i may talk to one other person about them..but thats it..im at the point where i cant take much more. i thought i was going to get that job at the movie theatre..but it turns out i dont think i will..so i have to start all over again. go looking again. but then i think...whats the point.? i cant get my foot in the door anywhere..i cant even get an interview anywhere. im tired of having to depend on others for everything. it makes me feel less of a person. i found out my car has major problems..like a busted motor mount and several oil leaks. sooo i cant get new tags for my car..it sucks. im probably gonna get pulled over for expired tags. theres a vacuum leak which makes my gas mileage suck. a quarter of a tank gets me to the store and back.thats how bad it is.. and any money i do get goes to my gas tank..and not to what i want it to go to..which is cayle. i wanna be able to by his stuff..or buy him a new outfit..or food or diapers..and that makes me feel even less of a person..i hate feeling like im not worth it. like i cant do anything for myself..or my son. i just feel like i could be doing so much more. its embarrassing to be without a job..especially when everyone else around you has one..and i still have to depend on my parents for help...and to make matters worse...i thought cayles biological father was out of the picture and i wouldnt have to worry about him anymore...but i got news that hes coming for cayle. he said "i want that bitch dead." "ill get my son." theyre trying to get 3,000 dollars to pay for a lawyer who will make sure i never see my baby again. know how theyre raising the money.? meth. theyre making and selling meth. && thats a scary thought to go to sleep on at night. what if for some reason..that he did win and cayle was taken from me..to live in a meth house...it scares me to the point of where i wanna cry every time i think about it. his sperm donor..he's got serious mental issues..what if he hurt cayle.? or what if he snaps and tries to take him from me in the middle of the night.?? i know this seems like paranoia...but knowing him..hes crazy enough to try something like that...ive told all the people who know me to give answers about me to no one. i have to be careful about what i post online..and where i go. i have to make sure it wouldnt be where he might be..or anyone in his family. i hate having to live in fear like this. and what if me not having a job is the deciding factor of whether or not i keep cayle. this kills me..i wish adam and i were about to get our place now. like within the next few weeks...so if he were to show up..he wouldnt find me. i wish my cell phone number was changed..so he couldnt trace me..it seems like im gonna have to change everything so he cant find me..my adress..my numbers..what if i have to change the way i look too.? im scared out of my mind..in all honesty..maybe thats why i cant sleep at night anymore..which leads me to be exhausted during the day while taking care of cayle..and i wake up at 3 a.m. to talk to adam before he goes to work..im exhausted. but if i have to ill make it off of stackers and caffine..if i could have a job..id give anything for all my stress to go away..to make sure my baby is safe. hes my life..and ill do anything and everything for him.