I am 96 hours away from being a college graduate.!

I broke 100 hours today at school.!!! I have 96 left. We've set my date for the graduation party for May the 8th. I'm so excited.!! I made my pretty sign for it yesterday. I'll finish by May 22nd.! I'm so excited. Also, I've bought a lot of house stuff :) I plan to get more this weekend. This weekend I plan on spending with Cayle. I think we're going to the zoo and maybe going shopping. Troy and I are still doing well. This is just an update on everything. I'll update more..when I actually have something exciting to blog about.

Keep on keepin' on..

Getting anyone's support around my house is near impossible..so with that being said..I will keep proving them all wrong. Here I am, 5 weeks away from being a college graduate. They admitted to thinking I wouldn't finish school. Here I am about to start my career. I'm about to make great money. Maybe even move out sooner than expected. But slowly and surely..I'm accepting the fact that I don't have to have their approval or support to make a fantastic life for myself and my beautiful son.

A fork in the road..

I've been trying to avoid my house as much as a possibly can. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being treated with little to no respect just like a child. Nothing is ever good enough. And I can't have any personal space. Needless to say, I was gone with Cayle all day. We spent the day helping Kay. She needed her storage room cleared out so we went to help. It didn't take very long to clean out. So we went and got lunch. When we got back her brother-in-law, Justin, and I got to talking about how freaking ready we are to move out. He suggested getting a 3 bedroom apartment together. I don't know about all that. I'm worried about how it will affect Cayle. Just because it isn't permanent and he needs stability. And I'm worried about splitting bills with a good friend. Friends who live together almost always end up hating each other. And I don't want that. But then again it could work because Justin spends most of his time with his long distance boyfriend (yes, he's gay and I am perfectly okay with it) in Georgia. So there's always the chance we wouldn't be on each other's toes. But I don't know..honestly, I don't see it happening. But its always an option I suppose. Troy and I still toy with the idea of moving in together. But who knows when that will be.? And with my relationship history...I'm overly cautious. And that's not fair to Troy..but it's just a mental block I can't get past.. I just hate being at home. And I hate having so much uncertainty. It makes me sick to my stomach now to even think of moving out..because I want it so bad but who knows when or how or where it'll happen.? I just don't have it in me to spend another year at home. I need my freedom and I'm not getting it here. I'm sick of everything going on here. I'm sick of crying on my way home because I hate it so much. I'm sick of having that feeling in the back of my head "Oh sh*t I have to go home or it'll be Hell in the morning." I am so anxiety ridden that my hair is falling out and I don't want to eat. I hate being stuck. I know I finish school soon...but then there's a whole new world of problems..like how am I going to afford getting to and from with a car with crap gas mileage.? Who's going to keep Cayle while I work.? How will I pay that bill.? Where am I even going to work.? How much money will I actually make.? Am I going to need a second job.? Then who's going to watch Cayle if I have 2 jobs.? Where does quality time with Cayle fit in with all of that.? Will I ever be able to afford a better car.? A better life.? How am I ever going to get what I need to fill a home.? Will I even be able to do this.?

I can't handle the uncertainty anymore. Inside it drives me crazy..and it's enough to eat me alive. And no matter how close I get to a milestone..it's like taking one step forward and two steps back. I just don't know anymore. I'm still trying and trying ( I bought more house stuff)..but I'm starting to even question what good it is.? I can't do anything right. Or at least that's how I'm made to feel. And whenever I'm told "I'm so proud of you" by a friend (because I don't hear it anywhere else) it's almost like they just spoke French to me. I can't take it anymore. All I want to do is cry now. When I'm not with Troy, or Kay and Cayle..I'm miserable. This is so unsettling. I can't even sleep anymore.

Happy Easter Everyone :)

Cayle and I had a very happy Easter. Cayle's Easter basket had tons of hot wheels cars in it, bubbles, bath tablets, a cup, and candy in it. He loves the bubbles and all the cars. His favorite is his Lightening McQueen car. I got candy and nail polish in my gift bag. I hid Easter eggs for Cayle and he loved hunting them. We had Easter dinner that afternoon. Ham, potatoes, green beans, and rolls. It was a nice Easter, although I am ready for us to move out next summer. I really think (well hope) I can do it.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter :)

I don't know..

I've been having some issues with anxiety lately..And I hate to sound so..I dunno..emotional. But I don't know what's wrong with me. My hands are constantly shaking and my heart is racing...and the other night...I noticed my hair shedding more than usual. Today I had a baby shower to go to all the way on Signal Mountain..and I panicked..I've never been to Signal Mountain..let alone drove up the mountain..during the shower (I didn't know anyone besides the mom-to-be) and didn't really speak to anyone..and I felt so claustrophobic. Going down the mountain was even worse. I've kept a head ache for about a week now.. I just can't calm down really.

I was with Troy last night and for the most part I was okay. He pretty much loved on me and cuddled me the entire time I was there. I colored his hair and he loved it. It made me feel good that he was so appreciative of the things I do for him. His work schedule has been so crazy lately it's been hard to see each other. But we make it work. Easter is our 3 month anniversary. He's been so supportive of me lately and just everything I could ever ask for.

Over the course of the weekend Cayle and I have spent a lot of time together. We've been playing outside mostly since it hasn't been unbearably hot. We dyed eggs the other night. They turned out really pretty. The shells cracked a bit but it made a cool effect.

Tonight Kay, Cayle, and I spent some time together. We really need our girl time together. I don't know what I would do without her. She's cleaning out the storage closet in her duplex and she gave me some storage bins to put house stuff in. It's a big help..considering I don't have any boxes or anything to put stuff in. I couldn't buy any house stuff this week unfortunately. Most of my money went to gas and a baby shower gift. However I was able to put some money in my lock box. So I've come to the compromise..if I don't have enough money to buy house stuff one week..I'll put what I can in my box so either way I'm contributing.

I'm really..and truly ready to move. I'm sick of not having any privacy as far as what I do and where I go. I can't be gone without getting a phone call asking where I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it. It's just irritating. And a BIG issue that's really getting to me..is the fact I like to go to Troy's house more so than he comes to my house. And my parents want to interject. Troy's house..we have privacy and a place to be by ourselves. My house..zero privacy and no place for us to really go to hang out. We can't go to my room..because I don't even really have a place to put myself. My 'bedroom' is a storage room basically. It's filled with furniture nobody wants, pictures nobody uses, boxes of junks, drawers of even more junk, just a lot of junk that wouldn't fit upstairs. It's annoying. I'm ready to have my own bedroom. And I feel the only way to have any sort of freedom is for me to move out. So I can have people over and a place to entertain. So I can have my own bedroom. So I can have nice things that are just mine. I just need it . I've set a deadline for myself. I'm out of here by June 2013. At the latest. Sooner if at all possible. I feel that's pretty reasonable. And it's not rushing anything. And as far as a new car..I've decided to get one from someone off of craigslist. I want to take Daddy or Troy to look at it with me (when I find one I like) to make sure I'm not getting screwed over on another crappy car. I really think it's do-able. To get out of here by next summer. I can set myself up perfectly if I plan it and budget it right. I'll be out of school next month and I'm trying to talk to a couple local salons to see about assisting or maybe even styling. Assisting would actually be better so I can get some experience..but there's always a chance I can get on somewhere where they can help me if I need it. It all just depends. I know it sounds like I'm bashing people..but that's not my intentions. I am well aware of the help I get and I'm grateful..I just need my own space..and my own life..with Cayle..Troy too if things work in our favor. And I don't see any reason for them not to. Kay even offered to give me the number of her landlord if I want the duplex she's living in after they move. I love her duplex. It's so homey and so spacious. I love being there and I feel live comfortably there. But who knows.? I just wish I had some certainty.

Wow. What a busy week.!!

Oh my gosh.!! I'm so surprised that I've had a client every day this week at school..and today..I had THREE clients.!! THREE.!! I cut my friend Brittany's hair. Thank you for coming in by the way. And she said her mom wants her hair done too.! That's always good to hear. The possibility of getting a new client is like music to my ears. Then after Brittany and Samantha left, my usual Wednesday lady came. She always gets a roller set done. Then I had another lady come in for a shampoo and style. And she was the sweetest lady. So polite and so talkative. I love clients like that. I've made almost 20 dollars in tips this week. And all that money has gone into my lock box. I have a good bit in there. I've enjoyed staying busy this week. It confirms my decision that this is what I want to do with my life. I have less than 160 hours to go (after today's count) And I should be finished by the very end of May. How exciting.!

This weekend is going to be slightly busy. I have a baby shower to go to for my friend. She and her hubby are having a baby girl named May. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her since she took her maternity leave from school.

This weekend I want to be with Cayle as much as possible. I would like to take him to the zoo or somewhere like that. I know he would have fun. I miss the New Orleans zoo...I just miss NOLA in general. I'm not too sure what we'll do yet. Troy is working all weekend :( it really sucks. But we make it work.

It's Easter weekend too.!! I can't wait for Cayle to see his basket..and to hunt for eggs. We'll have to color eggs this weekend too. Gosh...my weekends are always so busy.

Very cool website.!!

Check it out.! http://moneysavingmom.com/

Its a work in progress..

But I'm buying house stuff. I decided to buy kitchen stuff first since that would probably take the longest and I need the most stuff for it. So the other day I went to Walmart and bought some hand towels and pot holders. My color scheme is black and red and I want stainless steel appliances. A friend also informed me about some Paula Dean pots and pans that are supposed to be really good..and they come in red.! If you order online you get a Paula Dean baking pan as well. Daddy will be jealous. He loves her stuff. I'm trying to get exactly what I want now so I don't have to invest in better stuff later. You know.? Thanks for the tip Britt.! I really need to get some boxes to store all this stuff in. I also put some extra money back in my new fire proof lock box. I'll add a little each week and over time (if I don't have any emergencies where I absolutely have to have it) it'll really add up.! This weekend has been really great.!! My parents have been out of town for the weekend testing out their new car. So I've gotten some down time. Friday Cayle and I got a few things we needed from the store and I took him to eat. That's our every weekend thing. That night, Troy came and stayed the night with me. It was nice to be able to just spend some time with him. We watched Scary Movie and The American Pickers. We ate dinner together too. Too bad Cayle was already in bed by the time he got there. Cayle and Troy are really liking each other. The next morning we woke up and the three of us went the Troy's show. He had to leave a little before us to set up. His band plays for the March of Dimes charity every year outside the Kmart where Troy works. Cayle really liked the music, but it was getting hot and he was getting uncomfortable so we didn't stay for as long as I would've liked to, but that's okay. I'm not sure how much money was raised for the charity, but it had a good turnout so I'm assuming a good bit. After the show I took Cayle to my cousin's house so he could play with her kids. I had to go support Kay at her Pure Romance party. That party was not at all what I expected it to be. Usually, when people think of Pure Romance parties, they think of 'dirty' products. Well..it was actually more than that. There was bubble bath, make up, massaging shower sponges, and feminine health products..along with the 'adult' products. But it was all in good fun. That night Troy's band played at South Side Bistro. They did great. It's always nice getting to talk to everyone and see the band. Troy even got to sing a song.! He usually just plays the bass. But it was a good show. It was kind of sad going home to an empty bed after having Troy with me the night before. I like the feeling of having him there. Hopefully if all goes as planned it'll be an every night thing before we know it. Today, Cayle and I have been bumming around the house playing together and cuddling up together. I have to go to the store later and get him some more juice and milk. SOMEBODY decided to drink all of Cayle's juice and leave just a swallow in the bottom of the bottle. I don't mind that it's gone. I mind that there wasn't even enough left to make one more glass.. I dunno..pet peeve I suppose. But it's not a big deal. I'll get him more. My parents should be home sometime today..but who knows when.? Also..this is completely off topic..but I just realized..it's APRIL.! And my days at school are winding down.! If I don't miss any days I can be finished the week of Memorial Day (May 25th).!! How exciting is that.?! I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make sure I'm there every day and that I make it to 20 hours a week. I'll keep everyone posted on that as well as my house buying brigade.! Also..one of the girls who is dating the drummer of the band sent me this picture from our camp fire not too long ago. Troy was kissing my cheek.