Too Much STRESS.!!!

I apologize if I'm complaining too much..but I'm stressed to the max and I'm literally about to explode. I'm sick and tired of cleaning every single day and doing things for everyone else in this house, yet when I need something it's like pulling teeth to get it..and i still don't get it after begging. It's getting harder for me to care about what my parents want from me when they really don't care enough about what I need. I need my toes fixed because they've grown so deep in my skin it hurts even more than it should to stand for 6 hours at school. The doctor they sent me to was in and out in less than 5minutes and gave me pills that didn't work...so I stopped taking them after 2 weeks of no results..When mom found out her response was "You just didn't wanna take them because they'll cancel out your birth control" Okay, A. I would think after two weeks with no relief in the pain you'd stop taking them to. B. Does she see me as a slut or something.? I dunno..but it really hurt my feelings..and it's comments like that that happen on a daily basis here. And sometimes I ask for someone to watch Cayle for 20 minutes..long enough for me to have a shower..but even thats too much to ask "Take him in the shower with you." "You could get a shower if you really wanted one." I need to get more hours at school. "I don't want Stacey watching the baby because I would have to pay her" I'm at school for 5 hours..I get hungry. I usually take something with me to eat at school because I'm always broke and dont have the money to eat out like everyone else. Today..we didnt have anything I could take. "You have vegetarian stuff in the freezer" It was all stuff I didn't eat anymore. "Then don't complain about being hungry."...I hadn't eaten since 10 this morning. I had a horrible headache and shaky hands all through school. I couldn't take it. I'm tired of being called a slacker..I'm tired of being told I don't do enough..I'm tired of putting everyone else before myself..The only person's needs I feel should be before my own are Cayle's needs. And that's how its always been. I feel like my family wants me to jump through hoops just to get something I need..or something Cayle needs. I feel like an eighth of a person because of all the stress I'm put under..all the stress of not having a job so not only I could do more for Cayle..but I wouldnt have to depend on people that I can't depend on..people who like to hold things over my head..and turn things around on me to make me look like the bad person in an argument. My mother had the nerve to tell me tonight "I've taken all the abuse I;m gonna take from you tonight.." When I was in a bad mood from being sent to school hungry and broke..My family doesn't acknowledge me when I walk into a room..they don't even stop to look up. I hardly ever have more than a quarter of a tank of gas in my car..that makes one round trip to school..then its time to fill up again..I don't have the money to do it..I had to scrape together change to make it to school and back today..I'm tired of feeling this way..I just wanna be able to do it all to where I would never have to ask my stuck up family for another cent. My mother is the type who likes to 1 up people. She likes to show off her money, her cars, her house, and Cayle..like he's a freaking trophy or something..everything is just an extension of herself to her. It never occurs to her that Cayle and I are living people with our own feelings..we aren't her money we arent her fancy car. But she doesn't care..she loves to make me look like the bad mom. We're finally having people put a new roof on our house so i wont get rained on when it rains outside..She was 'bragging' to the construction worker about how she has to take care of Cayle for the next 5 hours..she didnt mention that I was going to be at school for those next 5 hours..she made it sound like I was going out to party. I take Cayle with me pretty much everywhere I go. I never leave him if I don't have to. I came hme tonight and the first thing I did was throw something in the micrwave so it could cook while I got Cayle from my dad. Mom had the nerve to say "Erica, aren't you going to come in here and say hi to your family..and hi to your child.??" I'm not a bad mom. I take good care of Cayle and I know it..but their comments tend to poison my mind at times. They make me feel like a bad kid. I havent done anything wrong since I was young. I feel like an adult..and they insist on pushing me on my butt and treating me like I'm two..I feel like I cant win..I really dont know anymore...

Family Tradition Possibilities.

I decided to make a list of possible family traditions I want to share with Cayle.

A yearly trip to Rock City's enchanted rock gardens to see the lights. Complete with warm drinks and a picture with santa.

Gingerbread houses and cookies.

Annual Christmas ornaments (thanks to the ideas from christina and miss mommy mays :) )

Jack-o-lanterns.

Making our own scarecrow.

Family movie nights.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving Day.

Scrapbooks for each year of his life. [[this one I really wanna do]]

Going to eat after church as a family.

Family portraits.

Possibly a second trip to Rock City to see the beautiful colors in Autumn.

Weekends to Gatlinburg.

Ketners Mill.

County Fair.

Studying together when he gets in school..but still making time for fun.

Watching a tv show we both enjoy everytime it's on.

Fireworks on the 4th.

Big meals on holidays.

Favorite meals for bad days.

Coloring together on rainy days.

Reading a book after bathtime and before bed.

thats all i've got so far...i'll think of more hopefully.

Family Oriented..

Whenever I'm with Adam, or a close friend, I always notice how family oriented everyone is. I notice how they make Cayle and me right at home. I notice how often they have family get-togethers and how close they are...I never notice that with my family. Nobody ever wants to sit together and watch a movie or go to dinner or anything like that..Everyone's schedule is different from everyone elses so Cayle and I are home alone about 94% of the time. The only time I really see my family spending time together is Christmas day..and Christmas eve. Almost every weekend I'm with Adam, the whole family goes to church together then everyone goes to his grandmother's house for lunch/dinner. Then everyone sits around and talks and plays with Cayle while Adam and I either watch him play or cuddle up together on the couch. Whenever I'm at Alliea's (she's a very close friend of mine. We've known each other since 7th grade.) I automatically feel the warmth of a home-y home especially around christmas time. I feel like a memeber of the family there. Everyone's always in the family room. Playing with her nephew, watching a movie, or eating dinner. I guess it's just nice to see a family who really shows their love for each other rather than just saying it. I want Cayle to have a close knit family with lots of neat traditions. Even if its as simple as a Sunday morning breakfast together. Or opening one present Chrismas eve. I'm not gonna lie..it's really quiet here at home with just Cayle and me. I've grown used to it, but that doesn't mean I like it. During the week it's like tag team with mom. When she comes home, I have to leave for school. Dad works all the time. He's gone from 6 in the morning to usually 9 at night some days..and others he's home at 5. My brother is at school practicing football until 6 and in bed by the time I come home. We never do much of anything together. I dunno..the point is..I want Cayle to understand the true meaning or family. It doesn't matter who's in it [biologically i mean] or the size..its love. and I know he'll have all the love and open hearted-ness from me he could ever ask for. Unconditionally.

Things that make me feel better..

thats my favorite one of the two of us.
but anyways...
things that make me happy.
Cayle and Adam, my family.
Visiting friends that im a member of the family too.
acoustic music a.k.a. goo goo dolls.
coloring.
reading.
hats.
boots.
christmas atmosphere.
christmas trees.
gingerbread.
hoodies.
fall.
winter.
wrestling with adam....and winning.
playing with cayle and his toys.
hair cuts.
hair color.
buying things for my apartment.
having the money to spoil cayle.
pictures.
scrapbooks.
coloring books.
sidewalk chalk.
playgrounds..with cayle.
surprise txts.
good music.
adam's jokes.
being able to vent to christina.
having someone spoil me for once..even if its just washing my hair.
piano music.
journaling/blogging.
movies..preferably disney.
holidays.
rock city.
aquarium.
dreaming of the day i finally get to boston.
halloween.
boys like girls.
funky sunglasses.
frozen coffee.
caramel lattes.
cayle's reactions to new things.
family dinners at adam's family's houses.
church with adam's family.
petville on facebook.
doing things on my own without help.
hair school.
getting alot of hair done in one night.
yoga pants.
youtube.
disney world.
the zoo.
singing.
drawing && it turning out perfect.
painting.
IMing my lovely victoria. <3
going out to lunch occasionally.
a clean room.
being home alone with Cayle.
working on Cayle's baby book.
cuddling with Adam.
watching movies with Adam while we
fight over the chocolate turtles in our
shared pint of turtle tracks ice cream.
laying in his arms while he runs his fingers
through my hair.
talking about our wedding.
talking about moving in together.

ill add to this later..i just wanted to start it.
:)

Just when I thought it was as bad as it could get..

it gets worse. I clean. I cook. I take care of my child. I go to school. I spend time with my boyfriend. I'm doing all I can do..but yet it's still not enough for my family..I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be good enough for them. I big part of me seriously doubts it. I can't please everyone. I put everyone else's needs before my own. Sometimes..I don't even get to eat or a shower each day because I stay so busy. I'm taking care of cayle, I'm ceaning, studying for a test, helping my boyfriend get where he needs to go [not that i mind], and honestly i dont know how much more i can do. nobody gives a crap about how i feel. or what i want or need. adam is pretty much the only one happy to see me anymore. my patience with my family has worn thin..and honestly..the only thing i wanna do is just cry..ive cried and cried for days now because all the pressure to be perfect all the time has literally crushed me..i really dont know anymore..i have no options...and im really at a loss for words..

I can't take much more..

I'm so tired of living at home. Granted..I dont pay bills but..I'm not happy here anymore. I ask for something that I NEED..not want..but need..and its like nobody here cares enough to help me. I need more hours at school..but nobody will watch cayle for me until four. I CANT be another year without a job. I just cant do it. I'm given barely enough money to keep my head above water. My car is pretty much almost always out of gas..and it would get better gas mileage if someone would get it fixed for me.But that need is looked right over. It takes me breaking down in east jesus nowhere before someone will even look up or pay attention long enough to help me..Nobody in this house even knows I'm here. Nobody says anything to me when I leave or come home. Nobody asks how I am or how my days been. I do NOTHING but clean and take care of Cayle and clean some more. I never hear a thank you or a compliment on the house..nothing. I dont have much of anyone left to talk to..my friends are out living their lives with their kids or doing the whole...'going away to college thing.' It really breaks my heart when I think about it..so like everything else I just keep it all inside..It's like the only thing I have that's going right is my relationship with adam..and his relationship with cayle. Adam and I are talking more and more about moving in together and it shows me how serious he is about it. I just wish it could be sooner because not only would I be able to live my life and make more of my own choices..I could help adam get to and from work. His car broke down last week. His family won't help him. My dad was going to sell him the jeep..but it wont even start. I took him to easy auto..and he found a car he likes..affording another bill is a totally different story. His roommate is a complete jackass. He spends his entire paycheck on his totally ditzy girlfriend and clothes he doesnt need. He wont buy his own food. He eats all of adam's. He cant even make rent this month. And he said to adam "you know, erica would be hotter than my girlfriend if she lost alot of her weight." My weight has been a constant struggle for me ever since I was four years old. I honestly see myself as a fat cow. And the only time I was really happy with how I looked..was when I didnt eat much of anything. people may compliment me on how I look..but honestly..it doesnt help. no, im not digging for compliments or anything..this is the cold hard truth. I cant take much more..I just need a way out that lasts for more than a few hours....I've decided to not eat after noon each day and drink nothing carbonated..I dont know what else to do..for the first time in a long time im at a loss for words.

It's party time. :D

I feel a little more accomplished than I have felt in a while. Over the past week, I've cleaned the house from top to bottom in order to earn the money for Cayle's party decorations. Today, I went out and bought most of them. I still need streamers, table cloths, confetti, plastic forks and spoons, and invitations. Maybe other stuff, but that's just the basics. I got mostly everything before it was picked over and sold out. I got tons of great deals. I decided to do treat bags. Although, I'm not sure what to put in them since there is going to be a wide age range of kids there. I'll be sure to put a little of everything in them so everyone has something. I also bought the first thing for mine and adam's apartment. I got a floor lamp. Its 71 inches tall. It was only 6 dollars. I thought it was a good deal. I also got Cayle another present. Its a tonka truck. I got him the green dump truck. He loves my friend's nephew's trucks. I decided to get him his own. At school, I've already gotten over a hundred hours. I'm working hard at school to get everything done in time. I've only been for a month and I can roll perms, foil, color, and thermals (a.k.a. curling iron and flat iron), and wax. I'm already trying to build my clientele, looking into salons, and acing my tests. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I feel like I'm doing more than I was. I want to try to put in more hours if I can. I'll do what I have to. I'm pushing hard and you know what.? I love feeling like I'm doing something productive with my time.

I just need to rant.

Normally, I'll keep things bothering me to myself. Or I'll talk with one close friend about it. But I just need to vent a little of my anger. I stay busy from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. Cayle wakes me up in the morning crying or talking to his teddy bear around 9:00..which isn't a bad time to wake up. I'm not complaining about that. I change his diaper and feed him his breakfast. After he's taken care of I make my breakfast and answer my emails. Then the rest of the day consists of taking care of Cayle or doing things OTHER people ask me to do or school work. I'm busting my a** trying to get done in time to move out. Which leaves me hardly anytime between 9:00 and 4:00 p.m. to do the things I need. Like showering, doing my hair, painting my nails ( I know that one isn't exactly a NEED, but I'd like to feel pretty), taking a nap, relaxing with a book..ANYTHING. And everyone around me just overlooks it like 'Oh well, Erica could do more if she tried harder." How can I do that for me when I'm always doing everything for everyone else.? Sometimes the only way I can make sure my hair is washed is if I ask someone at school to wash it for me. And if they don't care to straighten it for me. I just don't like not being able to have a shower every day. I feel gross. I know I'm gross. It's not going to get any easier when Cayle starts walking. He doesn't nap often during the day so I can't take a shower while he sleeps. I'm home alone during the day soo nobody can watch him. And when I don't have school and ask someone to watch him for 20 minutes they're tooo tired or they will later but later never comes. I know I'm probably overreacting, but like I said..I just needed to vent. And all the cleaning I do for about three hours a day goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I never hear 'thank you' or anything like that. My family has hardly two words to say to me now that I think about it. I come in from a day out with Cayle and nobody says 'Hi Erica, did you have fun.?' They act like I'm not even in the room. They run straight to Cayle and talk to him. I can go out of the room and they wouldn't notice. I DON'T blame Cayle, and I'm not jealous of him. I don't resent him at all. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I don't matter. Like I'm just the maid of the house. Nobody in this house takes my feelings into consideration at all. I'm looked at as lazy and all I'm good for is cleaning. I'm tired of having to depend on them. I want to move out now. Adam is happy to see me and always acknowledges both of us are in the room. That goes for his family as well. Why is it so hard for my family to do that.? Why does my family not take my needs into consideration.?? My car needs fixing. Its needed it since I freakin' got it 2 years ago.!!!!!!!!! My gas mileage sucks and since I cant work and go to school I'm always having to ask for money. Cayle's needed a new carseat for over a month. My roof needs fixing. It's needed it since last year. I need to put in more hours at school and nobody seems to wanna help me there. Am i just overreacting or can anyone else see why I'm upset.? Why I feel like I don't matter.? Why I feel like I'm no good.?

I don't exactly know what to call this one. :)

I want to get Cayle these for his birthday. There are soo many cute ones. Maybe I could get him a couple and then get the rest for Christmas as stocking stuffers.? I dunno. I just want him to have those. My friend Brittney showed me some halloween decor at the dollar tree. It was the kind of stuff I was looking for. Not only was it for a great price, but it wasn't scary blood and guts stuff. I want the cute smiling ghosts and frankenstein etc.. For center pieces I want pumpkin pails of halloween candy or maybe skulls or something. I haven't decided. But the colors are going to be purple, orange, and black. I would like to do fake spider webs and confetti. I haven't completely decided on whether or not to do treat bags, but once i figure out the guest list I suppose that will help me make the decision. I still have to think about invitations too. There is soooo much to plan just for that party. Not to mention what I wanna do with him on his actual birthday. I kinda know what I wanna do with him on his birthday. A day to the aquarium and out to lunch. He may not understand the concept of it, but its the time I spend with him that counts. Over the past weekend, Christina, Chris, and Grace met Adam for the first time. We all had a great time laughing and having a day out. Adam wants us all to hang out more. I'm glad he can get along with some of my friends. Christina and Chris could not get over how good of a daddy Adam is to Cayle. Adam showed me his 'Cayle Box' over the weekend. He keeps pictures and little keepsakes in the box. He writes him letters too. He won't let me read them. He says they're for Cayle when he gets a little older. I can respect that. It's amazing how fast those two have gotten so close. Adam and I are talking more and more about our apartment together. We've even gotten a list going of the kind of things we'd like to have and the basics we need. I think the hardest part will be telling my parents that their grandchild is moving in with his mommy and his daddy in a home so we can do this for real. Be a real family. Complete with dinner at the table and picture perfect holidays. I'm excited. And i'm gonna give everything I've got to making this new and happy life for cayle, adam, and me. :)

Life as of Lately..again. :)

...yup. im a blonde now. :) i started school almost a month ago and I love it.!. I'm making a lot of friends and some have kids so I have someone to relate to. I'm putting in as many hours as possible to try to get out early..becauuuuseeee..drum roll please..Adam and I plan to move out august 2011. :D I've already learned how to do so much. And today I'm learning how to do foiling highlights. Adam and I are doing better than ever. We had a great weekend this past weekend. Friday we chilled at his apartment with Cayle. Saturday was out date night. We had a picnic in the park, got ice cream, and watched south park. It was so much fun. Recently, I've gotten closer to my friend, Alliea. We've gotten to where we hang out often and making more plans each week. I've been doing a lot of planning for Cayle's birthday and I plan on going shopping for decorations and more presents soon. I saw tons of things I thought Cayle would love. :)I go to school 4 days a week for 5 hours. And I'm trying to make it to where I can go in 5 days and put in more hours. I'm so excited to think getting my own place is closer than I thought it would be. I've already started looking for the best prices on things and buying what I can. My mom is also talking to her friend about getting me a job as a receptionist at a hair salon..her salon. :) I really hope I get it, but I'm not counting on it. Cayle is nine months old today. It's amazing how fast he's grown up. It's also hard to believe Adam has been around him for almost an entire year. And he hasn't even missed a milestone. I'm so happy with him. I love my little family. It may be different from others, but there is a lot of love. I feel like I'm getting somewhere now with life. Like, I'm doing something to better myself, and to make a better life for my son and myself. I feel like I've grown so much in the past year. And I can only hope that things continue to head in the right direction.