Geeze. Perfect timing.

So over the past couple of months I've been having episodes with my stomach. I have such bad pains I cant even move sometimes when I get them. Well, the other day I woke up doubled over in pain crying (and I NEVER cry) because my stomach was hurting so bad.It lasted for over two hours. I went to the doctor and I found out I have a bacteria in my stomach acid called Helicobactor pylori bacteria. Basically saying that if I don't get better I'm going to get a stomach ulcer. I'm on 3 different medications for them and on a very strict diet. I can't have fried foods, spicy foods, acidic foods or beverages [ orange juice, apple juice, etc..], caffeine, carbonated drinks, or chocolate. Right around Christmas.?! Are you kidding me.?! That's like the ultimate bag over the head punch in the face. It sucks, but hey, I'm sure an ulcer is about twenty times worse. On the plus side, Adam took me to buy my Christmas presents.! I got a bunch of new clothes and for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty. :) We even went to applebees. That was fun too. Our waiter was really cool. It's 12:11 christmas eve.!!! Ahhh.!! It's finally here.!! Today and tomorrow are gonna be good days. I'm determined to make them good days. With no stress. [stress keeps this bacteria active.] I can't wait to give Cayle his presents. I wanna see his face light up.! I hope he likes them all. I did what I could for him this year. But I promise, there's a lot of love behind it all. I dont have much money, but I'll gladly give up a night out to get him something for Christmas, but hopefully this is the last Christmas where money will be a struggle. My new year's resolutions are to get down to a size 9 and to finish school by october. To also try to move out, and buy a new car by 2012. I want a black mazda. Yay.! I'm determined to make something of myself. And of course, I wanna keep being a good mom. :) I really hope everyone likes what I got them for Christmas. Let the festivities begin.! Merry Christmas.!

A little bit of everything. :)

Last night was so much fun. Adam, Cayle and I met up with Christina, Chris, and Grace for our first annual Christmas dinner. We went to applebees. We both bought thr babies presents..and ended up buying them the same thing and wrapping it with the SAME wrapping paper haha. We sat and talking for a while and enjoyed dinner. The babies were sharing their snacks with each other. It was so cute to watch. At the end up dinner we gave the babies their gifts. They got animals for their little people noah's arks. Cayle hasnt stopped playing with the animals. However, he is missing a zebra. After dinner, we went to walmart to get some christmas stuff. Adam's idea. We got Cayle a stocking for his house, cookie mix, icing, and gliiter glue pens. We decorated Cayle's stocking with the glittle glue pens and wrtoe his name. Then we made cookies. We made peanut butter ones, chocolate chip, and sugar cookies. Then we decorated them with red and green icing. Too bad we ran out of time to decorate the tree. We're going over there tomorrow so maybe we can then. Adam's family was even talking about getting Cayle an ornament for their tree. It made me really happy to know they consider cayle family already. As far as the wedding planning is going We found our reception area and have decided on our cake topper and cake idea and our date is October 1st, 2012. We've also picked our wedding bands. :) We're both excited to spend this Christmas together as a family. This is our first Christmas actually together. December 13, 2009 was the day we met. It's been a year. And in all honesty..2010 has been the best year of my life. Not only have I gotten to see my beautiful baby boy grow..I've had a wonderful man to witness it and share it with. I'm so thankful for them both. I don't think I could live without them...no..I know I couldnt. I would die. We'll see what this christmas holds. I can't wait to see Cayle's face light up. That will be the best thing about Christmas for me.

Hmm..

Well, I found my dream wedding dress, and I'm going back for it in january. Adam and I have decided to get married in 2012 instead of next year. Financially it will be better for us. I can agree with it. Also, we are planning on paying for the wedding ourselves. Just when I thought things were going to get better with my mom..she proves me wrong. She really hurt me while wedding dress shopping with my soon to be in laws. The dress I want is white. And its no secret that I'm not a virgin. she asked the lady taking care of me "Does this dress come in ivory.? We already have a baby so there's no sense in getting a white one." Right in front of everyone..I went right back into my changing room and wanted to cry. She doesn't watch what she says and I think that hurts the most. So therefor, I'm not gonna keep setting myself up for disappointment from her and just not expect anything from her. On another note..I'm SICK of school. I love doing hair, but I HATE the schooling. Its boring and all I do is sit there day in and day out. I hate it. I wish I could just quit and do somethign else. But there's been a lot of money put into this. I guess I'll just have to deal. But seriously. I dread even going. I have a lot of my christmas shopping done. About 95% of it actually. I dunno...I'm just ready for a break. From everything.!!! I got Adam moved back to his grandmothers house and he seems pretty happy there. SO hopefully things will work out for us. We'll see I guess.

Holiday Crafts

Today was craft day for Cayle and me. We made turkeys, reindeer, and Santa out of his hand prints. At first he seemed to like it but after a while all he wanted was a nap. You can't see Santas beard all that well, but hey we try. I have a lot of ideas for crafts for christmas. Like making candy cane reindeer. And Popsicle stick reindeer. Thumb print christmas mice, and ice cream cone christmas trees. Somehow. I'd like to make a countdown to christmas. I'm not sure how though. I'm so worried about juggling holidays. I thought it would work out, but now I'm not so sure. Adam's family is eating at one and my family usually eats at 2 or 3. How am I gonna do it.? I dunno. Ughh. I dont wanna disappoint anyone. I try to keep everyone happy. I guess we'll see how it all plays out. Black friday is this friday. I cannot wait to get out in all the madness. I kinda have an idea of what to get everyone but we'll see what I can find. 34 shopping days left.! I'm so ready for a break from school. and running like a mad woman. Haha. This saturday adam's sister and I are going to look at wedding dressed with our moms together. this is the first time my mom will meet any of them. Kinda crazy isn't it.? Hope it goes well.

Cayle's birthday part three.

Part three.?? Yeahh. This kid got three parties. The theme was dinosaurs and everything was in orange green and yellow. Adam's granddad even made cayle a dinosaur cake despite the fact he vowed never to do it again after his tremors got as bad as they did. The whole family was there. It felt like we fit in perfectly. Cayle got some little people, a piano, a firetruck that you sit and ride on, a puppy that lights up and talks, and so much more. It's amazing to think that they have been around him for almost a year now. His grandparents met cayle on valentine's day this year, and here we are almost Christmas and they're still here. It's wonderful. We ate pizza, cake and ice cream, and sat around and talked. I gave everyone hair cuts while I was there and they all turned out really good. Now We can focus on the holidays. I just hope juggling between families works out. I worry alot.

Hmm. :)

The holidays are just around the corner.! I think this year I wanna make handprint turkeys with cayle. It would be funn. We can give them to the family, and hang them on the fridge. Last weekend I went with Adam's sister Kayla to georgia to the carter's outlet to get Cayle some clothes. It was the first time we had ever spent time together without the family. It was soo much fun. She asked me to be a brides maid in her wedding. I've never been a brides maid before. She bought Cayle a onesie that said 'all i want for christmas is my auntie.' it was so cute.! I started my christmas shopping. I dont have much bought but I got some stuff. I got dad his favorite christmas story on Dvd. It's how the grinch stole christmas, the animated version. I thought that since he works so much he might miss it and he looks forward to seeing it every year. I bought adam some little things. Reeces pieces, green peppermints, and a shirt from rue 21. I would like to get him some cologne from there. This little butt went out and bought the thing I was going to get him for christmas. GRRRRRR. So I have to start all over with him. Lol. I'm not mad but geeezeeee. >.< Last night Christina and I took the babies out to the mall. We got some shopping done there. I was a little bad. I spent money on myself and bought some bath and body works lip gloss that I love sooooooo much. I always feel soo guilty for spending money on me. But I did manage to get Cayle some weebles for christmas. He's never played with them before, but I bet he will like them. I would like to find some little einstein dvds or something but who knows if that will go as planned.? I saw some footie pajamas I wanted to get cayle at walmart last night. They look like batmans outfit. They had a pair of toy story ones too. They were only 7 dollars so I wanna go back and get them.. Today is Cayle's birthday party from Adam's family. I can't wait. I'll post pictures later.!

Cayle's birthday part two.

Below are some pictures from his first party 10*30*10.






Cayle is having three birthday parties. How crazy right.? His first birthday party was Saturday and that party was for everyone. Tonight's party was strictly for the family. The last picture was taken tonight. This party tongiht consisted of Adam, Cayle, and me. Cayle and I woke up and the first thing I did was give him a birthday hug and kiss. After feeding him his breakfast we went downstairs and played with all his birthday toys. We shared my waffles too. After that we made a trip to walmart and got a few things. He saw a stuffed bunny (thumper) and reached for it. I got it off the shelf and gave it to him. He just hugged on it and loved on it, so I caved and got it for him. It's his birthday and I thought hey why not.? I try not to make a habit of getting him something every time we go out so he wont throw a tantrum when he's older and doesnt get something every time we go out. But this one time won't hurt. After our trip to Walmart we went to pick up dada from work. Adam was so happy to see him. We came back to my house to let Cayle play with his toys. And we played with him. He had so much fun. Later, we made him his birthday cake. Adam thought we should decorate it. So he wrote happy birthday cayle #1. I loved it. We played a little while longer, then I took adam home. This saturday is Grace's party. Adam, Cayle, and I got her a nursery set for her baby dolls. I hope she likes it. Next Saturday is Cayle's third birthday party. Adam's family is throwing it for him. I think it's extremely sweet of them to do that. I can't wait till the parties.!

Cayle's birthday party.

I had a lot of fun on Cayle's party day. A lot of people showed up. Most of it was family, but a few of my really good friends came. Adam was there too and it was the first time some of my friends and family have met him. I baked cupcakes for four hours and decorated them too. It was all worth it. Cayle got a lot of tonka trucks and some really cute clothes.!! I can't wait until he can wear them all.! He even got a toy story blanket and refuses to sleep with anything but that blanket. haha. Adam felt really proud to be a part of it all. He was right by my side helping cayle eat his cupcake and open his presents. Thanks again to those of you that came and for his wonderful gifts. That night, Adam, Cayle, Christina, Chris, and Grace went to some trunk or treats to get the babies some candy. Cayle ended up being batman for halloween this year. Pretty epic if I do say so myself. Grace was a witch. She looked too cute. I have to start my christmas shopping now. haha. Tomorrow is cayle's actual birthday and I wanna take him to the zoo and the playground to swing. And when we get home I'll blow up his ball pit adam got him and give it to him. I can't believe he's gonna be one. It blows my mind....the downside to him turning one is that sperm donor's family wants to see him. I wasn't really prepared for them to be calling me..considering they haven't called on any holidays or anything so I'll admit to being a little off guard. But I'm a tough person and I'm strong and I'm gonna make cayle's first birthday really special for him. Also, I'm getting my number changed as I type this..so be sure that I get it to anyone who needs it. Also please pray for my pup to come home. he's been missing since friday night. :((

Just an update on everything. :)

I haven't posted in a while and I apologize. I've been very busy. School is getting good. I have my own station at school so I can work on clients that come in to get their hair done. I've had my first couple clients. One was a little girl && I cut her hair. One was a lady who wanted her hair wrapped. SHE WAS SOOO RUDE. My dad came in to show some support and got a hair cut. And one of the girls at school chose me to do her red highlights. I'm making some tips and I'm going to attempt to put 1/2
of them towards christmas gifts. At least stocking stuffers. Cayle's party is this saturday. I'm very excited. I've asked someone to come and take pictures at the party. She charges 15 dollars and I get a cd with all the pictures on them. I got all his presents I'd wanted to get him now its time to shop for Christmas. I swear, sometimes it feels like I never slow down. Hahah. Adam and I are doing great. We're still planning the wedding and coming up with alot of ideas. Surprisingly, my mom wants to get involved and help me look for a dress. Adam is getting out of his apartment lease and moving back in with his grandparents. Financially it'll be really good for him. Living with his roommate was getting too hard on him && annoying to me. I can't stand his roommate. He insults me when I'm not around to hear it. He's called me fat && said he wouldnt let me cut his hair if i was the last stylist on earth. And to be honest....i hope he chokes on his ego. :) It's hard to believe where I'm at in life. Getting married, my son's turning one, in college, etc. It just seems so weird to me. But in a good way. I guess I never thought about being here and what it would feel like. But it's all made me feel happy and more accomplished. Speaking of being more accomplished I've decided to make lists of everything..like to do lists for the week, what i wanna get who for christmas, and other things like that. I'm gonna enjoy Cayle's party..however..I do think there is someone who shouldnt be there. She's been my friend for a while, but things have gotten sour over the past couple years. Now she only talks to me when she wants something. She barely txts me and I can count the times Ive seen her since Cayle was born on ONE HAND. And when I confront her about it she wont talk to me. It's not fair. And she expects me to come to her birthday party friday.? Come one. I've got better friends than that. Adam and I are getting this wedding thing into full swing. We've picked out our wedding bands, brides maids/grooms men, church, colors, and have ideas for our attire. Its going well. I've never been this happy. I'm sooo excited about everything. I got beauty and the beast brand new on dvd off of amazon for 14.98 you cant beat that. I'm very giddy about that. I had to get my ring re-sized, but i got it back. I'm so happy to be wearing it again. Lets just hope things stay this good. :) ph yeah..does anyone know any reallly good lotions.?? my skin is extremely dry. :( and i dont like greasy textures.

To my mother.

To my Mother
To my Father
It's your son or
It's your daughter
Are my screams
Loud enough for
You to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

The silence
Is what kills me
I need someone
Here to help me
But you don't know
How to listen
And let me make
My decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

All your insults
And your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like
I am nothing
But you make me
So do something

Cause I'm fucked up
Because you are
Need attention
Attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast


song written by staind.

need i say more.

My letter to Cayle (rough draft.)

I wanted to write him a letter to give him on his birthday instead of a card.

Dear Cayle,
You've grown so much over the past year, and here in a few weeks you will be walking alone. I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I'm always going to be here for you whenever you need me. You've taught me how strong I really am and how tough I can be, and I can't thank you enough for that. You've shown me what it means to be a good mom and how to love someone and support them unconditionally. All I want is to see you happy and to have a family that loves you. And trust me, you've got the family part down. And I want to make sure I can do everything in my power to make you proud of me. I want you to know everything I do is for you. We've had so many good times together. I remember bringing you home and just holding you for hours and enjoying every minute of it. I remember all your firsts, like your first bath and tooth. There's still so much I want to show you and still so many things I want us to do together. It feels like I just found out I was pregnant with you yesterday. We've had some bad times too, but they've only made us a stronger family. God has blessed us. He really has. He's led us to where we are now. And I thank him every day for you. You are my life, and this letter can do no justice to how much I love and care for you. I hope for you and I to always be best friends who play together, share secrets, and maybe one day get matching tattoos (haha kidding.!). I'm always here for you to talk to no matter how big or small the problem is. I know there are probably some things that will be harder for you to tell me than others, but I will never love you any less. I love you more and more as each day goes by. I want you to have the happiest birthday and many more to come. I'll be here for them all. I hope someday we can look through the photos and see how much you've changed and grown. It's hard to believe my baby boy is growing up on me. I wish I could keep you small, but as far as I know, there's no way to do so. So I will enjoy you growing up and all the memories we've made and will make together. Life for us is heading in a very positive direction, and I couldn't be happier. I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday to my dearest baby boy.

xoxox love,
mommy.

It's crunch time.

I have so much going on. Cayle's birthday party is in a few weeks and I really need to put the finishing touches on party decor, send out the rest of the invitations, fill the goody bags, and get the cake. It doesn't sound like much, but with everything else going on, it's alot. After Cayle's birthday is done and over, I have to turn around and immediately buy and plan for christmas. Not that I mind. I love the holidays. But this year I have to juggle families..considering..they're pretty much in-laws now. I also have to think about Adam's birthday and what I wanna do for him. He's turning 21. Wow. In between planning, I have to balance school and make sure I'm getting enough hours to get out in time for my wedding. October 1st is our date. I HAVE to be out of school and in a salon by then. Or at least have a decent paying job. I'm gonna start going in on fridays for those extra hours maybe that'll speed it up. While doing college I have to plan my wedding. We've picked the church, colors,some of the flowers, and have an idea on who we'd like to cater. Other than that, we're clueless. Tomorrow I'm getting an idea on what kind of dress I would like. I need something that flatters my body type. Later I want my maid of honor christina to come with me and look. After college is over, I have to find a place to live and move in and prepare for a wedding and honeymoon. Its alot to do. And I'm really really trying..just praying it'll pay off. While still juggling all that I wanna fit going to the gym somewhere in between cleaning, being a mommy, and a fiance, a college student, and whatever else I am. I managed to get a few ideas from my brothers wedding over the weekend. My mom was so hateful over the weekend and so childish. She was acting like a 2 year old who didnt get her way. She talked trash about my brothers wife, wouldnt talk to any one..she just sat and poutted the entire night. It put me in a horrible mood. She was like that all weekend. I tried to kill her with kindness...no luck. I just dont have time to try and please her anymore. I have to move on with my life and get to where I wanna be. I did get to dance with my daddy...and cayle. It was nice. Dad and I have gotten really close. Its a nice change. All I know..is that I have goals set and I'm gonna get there. I'm determined.

Cayle's party update.

These are Cayle's party invites made by the lovely miss mommy mays (thanks again.!) I had to censor some things for privacy reasons, but I am handing out the invitations this week. Everyone is welcome to come in costume if they wish, but if you don't want to that's okay you can always dress up your babies :) I think it would be pretty adorable to have the kids come in costume. The colors are going to be orange, black, and purple. The theme is halloween. Cayle's birthday is on a wednesday so I'm having his party the weekend before, and on his actual birthday It's gonna be a small party for just us. A day to the aquarium or creative discovery museum, and out to lunch. He may not understand it, but I love spending one on one time with him. I have most of the decorations, but there are still some I need, and goodies for the treat bags. I wanna make sure I have something in the bags for everyone. Because there is a wide range of children coming. I also rented out the gym so the kids could run and play. As far as food goes..I think I'd like to to finger foods..or buy a few different platters, but I wanna make cayle his first cake. Im so excited. Adam's family wants to throw him a party too. They have family they want us to meet. I cant wait.!

Save the Date.

October 1st of 2011 is our goal wedding date...but not exactly set in stone. We want to the the pre-marital classes and money management classes way ahead of time. It'll save us money on our marriage license...gosh...i really cant believe we're engaged..its weird calling adam my fiance, but hey, its a good weird...if that makes sense. I've been so floaty since saturday its unreal.!!! There's so much to plan..we have our colors, church, possible date, and some of the people we want in our wedding targeted. lol. Christina has agreed to be my maid of honor and that makes me sooo happy.!!! We still need a flower girl, ring bearer [sp], a need more brides maids, and adam needs his groomsmen. We do have a while to plan, but a year is gonna go by fast. MY goal is to start going to school fridays to get more hours in so I can get out sooner. We need to make a wedding registry too. AAAAAHHHH soooo much planning.!!! How am I gonna keep everything straight.?? Going through college, raising a baby boy, trying to find work in a salon, being a good fiance and a good mommy, its a lot, but I'm willing to take it on. Adam's family seems so happy for us..like they all keep telling me 'welcome to the family'..'if you need help planning let us know' they ask about what we have picked out so far..if we have a date..a honeymoon dream destination...we're thinking on that one..i'd love a gatlinburg getaway and a nice honeymooners cabin..but i dunno..I'll miss cayle tons.!! however..my family just...wont express any excitement..its like..i told them and i was smiling and excited..but they had NO emotion..they just said 'i think you need to finish school before you start planning this kinda stuff.' wow...talk about a buzz kill...i wish my family could just be happy for me...my mom pretty much told me shes done with me...how could a mom tell her kid that.?? I guess it'll hit her once we're out of the house and I'm resentful to bring cayle to see her. I WANT cayle to have a relationship with his grandparents..he deserves that because he loves them..but as far as my relationship with mom..its done..my dad and my relationship..peachy keen. :) He filled up my gas tank the other night, is letting adam use his jeep and buy it from him, offering him a job as an apprentice working for him, and rescued me from school when my car died and mom sent me to school on a dying battery. I guess as long as I have a good relationship with Dad I'll be fine..I just wish mom didnt treat me like a dog..she makes me beg for everything..and talks to me like I'm a dog...when she talks to me that is..it's not fair..and it really hurts..Cayle needs to see his mom and grandparents getting along..that kinda why I like being around adam's family..Cayle loves them and we have a good relationship. They treat me like family and I'm comfortable with them..Adam mentioned something about adopting Cayle after our honeymoon...he wants Cayle to have his last name...Bailian Cayle Lingle..hmm...I like it. Erica Lingle. hehehe. I am a little concerned though that Justin (sperm donor) will pop up and try to ruin it..or Cayle's birthday..I don't want that...I swear I'm bringing mace to his party..you never know when you'll need it :) Adam is coming and having dinner with me next week at my house.....with my family...oh god. This can either go good or bad. Hopefully my family wont roast him..I hope he can become as comfortable with my family as I am with his. I can't wait to get my ring sized up so I can wear it on the right finger. My ring is sooooooo pretty. He put a lot of thought into picking it..I can tell because there's a heart engraved into it. Its my style down to the last diamond..I'm so proud of it. I'm so happy. Everything is going well. Lets just hope it keeps up.

October 2nd, 2010 will live in my memory forever..

I can still remember where I was this time last year. I was preparing for the birth on my son, Cayle. Nervous, but excited because I knew then I'd never be alone. Never not have a reason for living anymore. And a year later...I'm engaged..to Adam. As of October 2nd 2010. Tonight couldn't have been better if I had asked for it. He took me to my favorite japanese place to eat dinner, Ichiban. We talked about his trip and what I did while he was gone. We talked about the ruby falls haunted cavern and how excited we were. We talked about Cayle and just everything. We caught up. We drove all the way to Ruby Falls. Waiting outside was kinda nerve wracking. There were people getting in your face and stuff. They played a7x which helped me keep my cool. I get real nervous about these kinda things. We went through....and I didnt even scream a one time Hahahaha. I jumped a couple times because the actors were banging on metal barrels and stuff..but other than that it was just fun. Adam and I laughed more than anything. I'm glad I went through..because now I can say I've been and I wasn't scared. :)..but after bring underground we went through a maze..not gonna lie..that was kinda freaky..but not too bad. After the maze, we walked back to the car. We stood outside and cooled off because it was hot in the haunted house stuff. But when we got in the car I started to turn it on and adam asked me to wait..and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me...and it went like this..

Him: "I really missed you while I was away. And I want you to know I love you..so much, and I really do wanna be with you forever."
Me " I missed you too. And I love you too. You've loved me unconditionally..and Cayle.."
Him "But the point is, I love you both..and I have something I need to ask you.."
Me: "What is it.?"
Him: " Erica, will you marry me.?"
Me : "Yes. I love you Adam."

I cried a little..and all I could do is sit with my face burried in his chest. And look up every so often and kiss him..he played our songs on the way home..I've never been this happy in my life..not since cayle was born..and his sperm donor leaving us in the dust..It was really the best thing to happen, and it proves that things happen for a reason. I guess it's hit me...Adam's here to stay, and im gonna be his bride.!!!!

I'm realizing..

..that it's just not worth it anymore. Fighting with my mom I mean. Yesterday was the last straw. I don't ask for much. Just money to get to school and back. I don't ask for spending money. I don't ask for money to eat on. I dont ask for new clothes. I dont ask for anything..because it's just not worth it. She throws a fit when I ask for gas money. "I can't keep doing this." Today, I've done laundry, dishes, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, and I know when she gets home it's going to be looked right over and I'm going to be 'lazy'. I'm just tired of it. Talking to her about the issue does nothing..except make her lay in bed for days and when she finally comes out of hiding she will say "Are you ready to apologize to me.?" In her eyes, she can do no wrong. It's ridiculous, and it's a fight that I don't even wanna waste time on anymore. She's just gonna have to deal with her tantrums and crap on her own, because I'm not giving into it anymore.

I REALLY think he's going to ask..oh no..im gonna puke.

He keeps telling me he has big plans for us when he gets back..the first day he was gone, he "casually" asked my ring size. He won't tell me what we're doing, where we're going, or ANYTHING. But what's really making me think he's gonna ask is his aunt. She's been txting me every day since he left, and we were talking yesterday and the conversation went like this :

tanya: 'so has adam told you what y'all are doing this weekend.?"
me: 'no, he hasn't said a word.'
tanya: 'i know what y'all are doing..the whole family does."
me : 'really.? what is it.?'
tanya : 'can't tell you babygirl. he'll shoot me. haha'
me : 'not even a tiny hint :)'
tanya : 'bells.'
me : 'like christmas bells.?'
tanya : 'no.'

come on.!!! as if that isnt obvious enough, she goes right into a conversation about what I'd want in my wedding, and asks if adam and i have ever talked about getting married. but, i played dumb, and I'm gonna try to play dumb whenever we go out saturday..if I can keep from shaking the entire date, and avoid going into the bathroom to calm myself down every five minutes. I want him to have the satisfaction of thinking he surprised me...but gosh, im sooooooooo nervous. I wish I had no idea he was gonna ask..I know I'm gonna say yes..but god...im sooooo scared..but happy..but nervous..no..i think im gonna pukeee. we'll see how it goes i guess.

Possible proposal.!?!

I think adam's going to propose this weekend...im terrified..my first engagement went terrible..but once you get engaged..there is literally no turing back...wish me luck.

Shaken.

I thought I'd never see them again..Never expected it to hurt me as bad as it did..I saw my's ex's mother and step father..while I was out with Cayle..I didn't even know that was her until I felt arms going around me trying to hug me and I jumped back..and once I saw who it was I wanted to run..In that instant I felt all the pain I was put through come rushing back. The pain of his addictions to heroin, marjuana, alcohol..he never told me he loved me when he was sober..All the names rang through my head he called me..b*tch, c*nt, slut, whore. All the guilt trips he put me on when I was innocent, "If you really loved me you'd let me" "You've changed. You're not the girl I once knew, after this baby comes we need to rethink us." All the things he cheated me out of, money, promises, support,. "What we have is empty and I'm growing to hate you." " I don't care what you do just leave me alone." "You're here for sex then your leaving." "I just need a break from you to date this girl..I love you but I think this could be something." "I never cheated on you. I was just testing you and your trust for me.." Even after delivering the baby I woke every two hours alone careful not to wake him..I had no help...I did my whole pregnancy alone..After getting the point that I didn't want to talk to them, I left the store and cried...I was so scared he was in the store that I calmed down as quickly as possible and drove to the other side of town thirty minutes away..I tried to talk to someone about it..but its hard..all this posted here was one a small portion of the things he did...But I try to keep in mind I gained more than I lost..he lost more than he gained. He lost both of us. He'll never be in our life. I gained Adam. The love of my life. And my child's daddy. Not father, but daddy. All I have to say to my ex is lay in the bed you made because i'm fine without you and so is Cayle. Thanks for nothing.

49 Mistakes



Woke up this morning , got a glimpse of your face. Your eyes gave a warning, that I might be out of place. Been trippin' on down this lonely road, it's getting old and that fire in your eyes babe , has gone and turned me cold.

So get goin' , get gone I can't look at your face. I've seen this all before, and 49 more mistakes. I've been tryin' but I ain't dyin' , on the inside for you , So get goin' .. get goin' get gone.

It ain't no big surprise, that your rain keeps pouring down If only for my demise , you've been hangin' hangin' around. Lord knows these tears have cried a river or two, But you find a way , can't tell night from day , leave me drowning over you . Your just an overload , nothin' but an overload

Confidence Is Key..

Ever since I started beauty school, I've noticed my self esteem needs a lot of work. I've noticed the need to match outter beauty with inner beauty. I've noticed more than anything, I don't have a lot of confidence.. I feel like that all needs to change. And that happy girls are the prettiest girls, but if I'm not happy with my appearance, how can I be happy inside and out.? I cant. There's just no way around it. I feel chubby, plain, boring, and like I don't do enough to enhance natural beauty. People can tell me all the time that I'm pretty or that I'm a nice person, but I need to feel it. I guess I wanna be a little more girly. Something that goes beyond jeans and a tee shirt and a pair of sneakers. I wanna feel good about myself. I wanna feel pretty. I know that if I don't start feeling better about myself soon, people will pick up on my negative self image and it'll drag them down and I don't want that..I don't want Cayle to feel that..or Adam..or anyone I'm close to. I wanna take a little time for myself each day to just do something to make myself feel better about being me..whether it be going for a jog or fixing my hair. I need to do something..I'm at breaking point when it comes to body image. Even girls at school told me I don't do enough for myself. I do everything for everyone else and whatevers left over is for me, but in my mind..that's the way its supposed to be. Cayle first. Mama last. That's part of being a great mom. But I still wanna be a great mom but feel good about myself. I wanna wear jewelry. I wanna wear cute tops. I wanna do all those things that a girl is supposed to do to make herself feel good. Is there anything wrong with that.?

All I have to say is wow..

I learned how to do finger waves tonight at school. It was fun once I got the hang of it. I did 10 sets. I was proud. I also did four shampoos. Speaking of shampoos, I wanna try to get my shampoo tech license to make some extra cash. My mom's stylist said I could tech under her for a little while. That will be GREAT.!! Not only will I get extra cash, but it'll make me a better cosmetologist. Mom has decided to get me a prepaid debit card and load it with 300 dollars a month. That's 75 dollars a week. It's more than enough to last me, but this gives me the chance to budget my own money and have it when I need it. THANK GOD.!! I'm getting tired of asking for handouts. It makes me feel like an eighth of a person..it REALLY does. So with that and the possible shampooing tech position money won't be much of an issue hopefully. I know money will still be tight but at least it'll give me a little breathing room. I just have to learn to budget and find places with the best deals on things like baby items and clothes and gas. Cayle and I had a nice day out today. I picked up adam's xbox for him then afterwards I put gas in my car. Cayle and I went to walmart and tried on funny halloween hats. I got him some taller baby spoons because he's in big boy food jars now and table food. I got him another tonka truck for his birthday. this one has a platform on it for the tiny tonka trucks. Then we got some taco bell and shared my flat bread sandwich (which was amazing and I'm addicted) then we went to this AMAZING dollar tree beside my house. I stocked up on christmas wrapping paper, christmas cards, birthday decor, birthday wrapping paper..oh and gummy worms. My new favorite thing. This morning we went for a short stroll too. Trying to stay as busy as possible has helped..but I really really miss adam. Since he's been on this trip we haven't gotten to talk much..I kinda teared up at school a little today. No one saw thank goodness. After school, I wrapped all of cayle's presents that he has so far from me. I still need to get him the Noah's Arc play set and a few more of those tonka trucks, then I'll be finished. I'm getting him a birthday card, and I wanna write something memorable in it..something that's a little more unique than a typical greeting card message. I'm busting my butt trying to get his scrapbook done too. There's so much to do and nowhere near enough time. But I'm determined and in time i'll have it done. I did manage to find a place for his party. It's going to be at St. Johns church..It wasn't my first choice, but it's spacious. And there's a gym and stuff so as long as Cayle has fun and a great first birthday then I'm happy too. I saw pumpkins today in walmart. I'm soo ready for fall. I know it sounds weird but the only time I feel pretty is in my winter clothes and fall clothes. From what I understand..I'll be out of school for 2-3 weeks while they move the school. It'll be around november or december..and to be honest, I'm kinda excited. It'll be nice to spend all that time with Cayle and Adam. I feel like Adam has a surprise up his sleeve for when he comes home. I know he's gonna end up spoiling me somehow. And that he wants to go to a haunted house. But other than that..I know nothing. Haha. Anyone know of any hanuted houses opening at the end of the month.?

blogging about my day..

Today was okay I guess..exluding the fact my mom and I got into yet another argument. Adam and I talked a lot today so it made it a little easier. I had a good class. I did my first shampooing tonight. I was proud. I got a good manicure too. Cayle and I played all day and watching christmas movies..maybe tomorrow we can take some pictures together. He's been taking care of me while Adams been gone ;) I don't know why I've been thinking about christmas and family traditions so much..I guess because I want Cayle to have a closeness with me that I never really had with my parents..Don't get it wrong I love my parents, they do a lot for me, but I just need a little breathing room and ALOT less fighting. You can cut the tension between mom and me with a knife. Its just not healthy..but that's how its always been. And I want Cayle and I to be able to goof off and hang out and be best friends you know.? I want our home to be the one everyone feels at home the minute they walk in. I want Cayle to be able to say one day, "That's my mama. SHe busted her butt taking care of me and I gotta look out for her." It may sound silly, but thats what I want. I want that closeness with him that I never had. I guess thats why I read alot into family traditions and always looking for things we can do together. Thats why a couple of his presents are what they are. Like the ball. He picked it out, but once he learns to walk we can play together. And his blocks, we can build them into tall towers together. Granted, if he wants to play on his own thats fine too. But if he wants me to play too I'm all for it. Haha. I hope I can get him his Noah's arc set sometime this weekend. Then I can get the rest of the decorations and stuff later. I am strongly leaning towards having his party in the park close to my house. I apologize if it's a long drive and I understand if some people can't make it. Gas is always a problem for me. I have to make less than half a tank last all week...and weekend..mom told me today 'You run out, you won't go to school.' It's comments like that that she makes all the time that really get to me..I dunno..the only thing I know to do is to just stay out of the way and leave nothing behind me for her to complain or get onto me about...i guess it'll help me stay busy. Fall is sooo close I can taste it. I wanna get a scarecrow from walmart for Cayle. He needs to really have the true fall experience haha. It'd be nice if we could make our own, but I don;t think he'd sit still long enough. I can't wait for adam to come home..Weekends here = not gonna happen. I dont wanna stay here. Not with mom all weekend. nope. nuh uh. nooo way. help.?

Cayle's presents from mommy.

I still wanna get him his noah's ark playset. I don't know if I can buy more animals to go with it, but if not I guess someone else could..or it could be a christmas thing. :) these are all his little gifts from me. :D

I dunno what to call this one.

So far so good..Adam has managed to make me smile even miles away. He called me last night to ask my ring size and bought me a cute skull and crossbones ring. It made me happy. I feel like taking some pictures..but I dunno. I wanna try to take Cayle to the park one day this week but I really don't wanna go alone. I'm counting down to Christmas. 108 days. By the time Adam gets back it'll almost be time for Rock City. The fall trip that is. And the pumpkin patch. :D I think right now..cayle and I are gonna draw on the side walk if its not too hot. I'll post pictures later.

Surviving the next three weeks..

Thats gonna be tough.. My plan is to stay as busy as I possibly can so I don't have time to be sad. Adam put a letter in my bag before he left. I didnt see it until I got home. It basically told me how much Cayle and I meant to him and how much I meant to him. And how he thanked God for bringing us to him. It meant the world to me he took his time to write that. He even took the time to draw a heart with our names in it. I put it in the scrapbook so when he finally sees the finished product he'll look at it and smile. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really upset that he's gone..but I guess we'll appreciate each other even more than we do now. Everything will be perfect. I just hope this goes by fast..we'll see I guess. I miss him already. :( but like I said..time to stay busy and get alot done so nothing will be in the way when he comes home and we can spend time together again.

Almost done.!.

My hard work is paying off. I finally got to get Cayle some more birthday presents. Granted, they're the tonka trucks I wanted to make sure he had, but to make sure he has them all he only needs two or three more. But I will post pictures of the ones he has. They're adorable.!!. I also got him a ball so we can play in the yard once he learns how to walk. Its bright green. It was the one he wanted so I didn't argue. So now he has 11 gifts from mama. But I'm not done. I still wanna get him the little people's noah's ark. That will be his big gift from me. They have other animals you can buy for ten dollars at toys r us. I dunno if I'll have the money for them, but I can try I guess. If not its a good idea for christmas. :) I've made the rough draft of the guest list, and there's about 50 people on it. If possible I'm going to rent out the pavilion in the park close to my house. Its spacious and its big enough for all 50 of the guests. Miss Brittney has helped me by designing Cayle's invitations (and they look great by the way) And I'll be sending them out about two weeks before the party. I do need to get the rest of the decorations, but that mostly consists of confetti, table cloths, plates and silverware. I would love to make Cayle's personal cake myself. The one he gets to smash his face in. As far as the cake for everyone else, I hope everyone likes cookie cake. I do need to make sure none of the children coming have any food allergies. But as far as everything else goes, I'm very excited. :D I hope he can fit in his birthday shirt I got him at Carters.

Adam leaves sunday..this is going to SUCK. I seriously have no idea what I'm gonna do. It's gonna be lonely for sure. I know I'm gonna cry when I drop him off.. ehhhh.
D;

I made a ten dollar tip cutting hair today. I was super super proud of myself. It turned out to be one of the best ones I've done..not that any were bad. This one just turned out better than the others.

All in all, things are good..I think I want to take cayle to the county fair this year. It'll be something we can do together for fun. It'll get my mind off of things too. Maybe someone could go with us. any takers.?

Ideas for christmas.

I know we have a couple holidays to go before christmas actually gets here but, this year's christmas is going to be a special one. Its mine and adam's first christmas as a couple. It's cayle's first christmas where he can interact with everyone and be excited. So I thought i'd make a list of some ideas I'd like to see happen this christmas also gift ideas and traditions.

tonka trucks in cayles stocking.
decorating stockings together.
making a gingerbread house.
making gingerbread cookies.
sending gift baskets to family and friends with a little something in them for everyone.
special ornaments being made for adam and i as a couple, cayle for his own, and a family ornament.
black friday shopping like a ninja..(ive done it every year)
parties.
letting cayle open one present christmas eve.
picture with santa.
rock city.
home made hot cider or hot chocolate.
making adam a stocking along with the gifts i get him.
decorating together.
lots of pictures in whatever snow we get (if any)
dinners.
i wanna try to get cayle some type of tricycle or wagon.
I know I wanna get adam something really really special..i just dont know what yet..

ill think of more..i just wanted to get started.

What a day. :D but in a good way.

Today was absolutely great. Adam and I took Cayle to the Creative Discovery Museum with Christina, Chris, Grace, Morgan, and her son Christian. It was a blast. At first, I was afraid Cayle wouldnt have that much fun because the last time I was there, they didnt have much for babies, but a lot has changed since then. They had a whole play area for just babies. It was so fun. Adam got a lot of pictures of Cayle, but Cayle was to wrapped up in playing with all the toys and going through the exhibits that he didn't really care much for his picture being taken. Haha. Adam loves bonding with Cayle. It was so much fun to watch all the babies splash in the water. All of them got soaked. I hit my head pretty hard trying to climb up through the play ground to get to adam and cayle. I'm glad Adam got to spend some time with us before he leaves sunday..I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself while he's gone. It's just gonna suck being without him for almost an entire month. But like I said..I'm trying to be positive and think about how happy we'll be to see each other again. Adam has my car for the rest of the week. Soo I'm just chilling at home with Cayle. We're spending a lot of time together during the day because I hate being away from him at school, but in the long run it will be better for us. As soon as I got hime tonight, I mmediately started working on my scrapbooks. Scrapbooks make it easy and more enjoyable (not that it wasnt before) to document the things that happen in Cayle's life. I guess because I can be more creative with it. I know this is really off topic, but I decided to wrap Cayle's birthday presents since he likes to get into paper. hahah. I'm also thinking of ideas for christmas. This is cayle's first family christmas with both a mom and a dad and I wanna make it special. Not only that, but it's my first christmas with adam. And I wanna make it special for us too. It's so close to my favorite time of year. I can almost taste it. Now if I can survive these next three weeks..I'll be ok. Keep me sane girls.!.

Just blogging. :)

I've made a discovery that Cayle loves the 'Little People' toys. And that he really likes the noah's ark set. I took him to my friend Alliea's house so I could see her and he could play with her nephew. He's almost two, but Cayle doesn't mind. It's sweet to watch them. But Cayle really liked her nephews noah's ark set. I'd love to get it for him for his birthday as one of his BIG presents from me. I have him 3 of those little tonka trucks for toddlers that you see at walmart for like 4.00. I got him the race car, the taxi, and the garbage truck. Those are the ones he wanted. But hopefully I can get him some more for his birthday. Or someone else or something. The noah's ark thing you can buy more animals for. Today, I'm taking him to the discovery museum with chris and christina and baby grace. Adam is coming too. I'm really excited. Sunday, Adam is gonna have to leave me for three weeks for this buisness trip. I'm not really gonna know what to do with myself..but I keep reminding myself of how happy I'll be to see him when he comes home. He's promising me a fun night when he comes back, but I wanna make his last night memorable. I guess I wanna do something spontanious and romantic just to show him that him going away to make sure in the long run cayle and I are taken care of when we finally move in together does mean a lot and that I am really proud of him. Speaking of moving in together. Adam has a queen size bed for us. A desk. And an night table. We have a microwave. Possibly couches. A lamp.Coffee tables. I'm trying to make a check list of everything we have so after birthdays and christmas I can focus on getting what we need. School is going okay, I just havent had much time to study when I need to. I'm really trying to get everything done in time to go out onto the floor. I'm getting close. I have a couple hair cuts and manicures and a little of this and that but im getting there. I'm trying to find a new place for Cayle's party..I'm not having much luck. Cayle is getting three 1st birthday parties. Adam's family wants to throw one. I'm throwing one for everyone. Then I'm having a small one that consists of us spending the day together as mother and son. We'll go to the aquarium and lunch. :D I can't believe how big he's gotten. I feel as if things are starting to look up. Cayle's getting a new carseat this week. THANK GOD. he needed one. I'll post pictures later from todays events.

Little of this and that.

Over the weekend I have done some cool stuff. Adam and I made dinner together for the first time. It was really fun. We even visited the halloween stores that just opened up. Adam found a costume he liked. And I found one I thought I'd like better for Cayle than the one I got him a while ago. But there's still time to pick something out. I really wanna take Cayle to the pumpkin patch this year. He needs a pumpkin just his size. It'll be our own family tradition each year..along with a few other things..like the scrapbook idea..I got a scrapbook and I'm waiting on some photo paper to come so I can get started again on BOTH of my scrapbooks. I have one for our little family. And one that's going to be strictly Cayle. From birth to the first birthday. I'm really hoping it turns out well. Our family scrapbook looks really good. I'm very impressed with how it turned out. I had almost forgotten how creative I can be. I'm trying to think of more fall traditions. I'm not having much luck..but it'll work out. I did two hair cuts over the weekend. And tehy turned out great. I even did a color job. I'm very proud. Adam leaves for his trip this saturday..I'm gonna be so sad. It sucks hes going away for 3 weeks. :/ I keep thinking about how I'll feel so happy to see him again. He's promised me a fancy night out. Complete with dinner, shopping, and starbucks. I'm very excited. No matter what, Adam always finds a way to spoil me. But it evens out. Because I try to spoil him too. This year is going to be our first christmas together, and I wanna make everything perfect for my two favorite boys. Cayle was very young last christmas..this year is definitely going to be fun. I wanna try to shoot for some christmas photos if at all possible. I know for sure I'm gonna take cayle to rock city to see the lights and the enchanted rock gardens. I'm very excited. :D This week, Adam, Cayle, and I are going to the creative discovery museum for family day. I'm working harder and harder in school and I did my first haircuts last week. I didnt mess up either.!! Tonight I gave Cayle a bath and it was probably the funnest bath I've given him in a while. He's learned he can kick in the water and get me soaked.!! The weather has been beautiful these past few days. I think if it's still pretty tomorrow, Cayle and I will go strolling. :) I hope I get to work on my scrapbooks soon. There isn't much time left to get it done. The family one, I need more pictures of the three of us together. Cayles pictures are covered hahahaah. I'm crazy about getting tons of pictures of him. Maybe I can go back and decorate them with stickers and stuff. Right now, I'm just making collages on each page. And so far, its looking good. I'm soo happy fall is coming. I can't wait to get Cayle some awesome fall clothes. Little hoodies and jeans. He's gonna look sooo cute. I think I might've found somewhere to have his party. Its very close to my house..and walking distance to a playground. And for those who are coming from GA, I will give you gas money if you need it because I know its a LONG drive from there to here. I'll write more later when I have something interesting to talk about haha.

It's Time. (revised)

Standing up for myself and being more assertive with what I need is definitely a must, but piercing my nose won't make it happen..it may even worsen the situation. I think I said those things I did out of anger and frustration. I decided that I just need to keep being as responsible as I have been. And continue with what I'm doing. However, changes do need to be made. I do need to be assertive about my needs. Not wants, but needs. Like more hours at school. And time to take a shower. I do need the money to not only keep my head about water, but to have that breathing room or emergency money if needed. I think there are better ways of making a point that actually sinks in rather than running out and getting a nose stud. However, I would like to have one, but it can wait. For the bettering of my life with Cayle. I am going to stand up for myself. and I am going to be a little more assertive. And my plans to move out are being put in motion a little more each day. I'm not gonna let things build up and upset me like they have been. I will try to make a little time to post about everything on my mind. good or bad. because it does help. Here goes nothing.

It's time.

I feel like it's time for me to have a firmer hand with my parents..when it comes down to what I need. And what Cayle needs. I feel like its time that they treat me like the adult I am instead of the immature 12 year old they see me as. I know I'm a great mother. I know in my heart that I've never denied Cayle of anything he needs and for most of the stuff he wants. I've never ever put my needs before his. I've been a great mom from the start. He may not have every toy he wants..but he has my love, and Adam's love. We're a family. And both Adam and I are trying to better our lives now to makes sure we're set for our future as a family. Adam's picking up a second job and working towards getting his g.e.d. I'm in college to get a good job that makes a lot of money and security is good too. I've decided to ask my cousin for help by letting her watch Cayle a couple days a week so I can go into school earlier. So I can get out sooner. Into a salon sooner. Into my own home sooner. With Cayle. With Adam. I can show my parents that I can do it on my own. That I don't need their help. Whether my mother likes it or not, I am letting my cousin watch Cayle so I can get through school as quickly as possible. Im gonna ACE all my cosmetology tests to show that I'm a great student. I'm gonna use the tips I make at school to buy more things for Cayle. And my future apartment so my family won't say "Oh you bought a place but you barely have anything to put in it.?" "What if Cayle needs something and you don't have it.?" I've made a list. I've gotten a few things on it. Slowly, but surely I'll get there. I take care of Cayle every day. (well, duh) But at the same time, I'm leaving nothing behind for my mother to complain about. He gets his baths daily. He gets laundry and sheets washed and rotated weekly. I keep our room very clean so he won't find something to get into that'll hurt him. I do everything for him but I go above and beyond to show my mother that I don't need her help with him. That Cayle is MY responsibility and I don't need help when it isn't asked for. I want to show her that I am an adult and I act like the adult I am. And whether she likes it or not I am going to make decisions for myself and my child whether she agrees with them or not. And for the first decision I'm making for MYSELF is that I'm going to pierce my nose. Nothing real gawky. A tiny silver stud to represent my independence and my assertiveness to make my own decisions. I suppose you could consider my decision for Cayle is to move into our own place and to be our own family. But in all honesty..I'm tired of being ran over everyday, put down, and stepped on by my own family. So..the point is i need to stand up for myself..here goes nothing. wish me luck. oh, and by the way..i lost my party place so i need a new party place for cayle any suggestions or places you know of would be great. also, if you like the collage I made for this post send me some pictures and I will make you one. ( you can send up to four pictures for one collage. but if you want more than one send me four for each collage.)

Too Much STRESS.!!!

I apologize if I'm complaining too much..but I'm stressed to the max and I'm literally about to explode. I'm sick and tired of cleaning every single day and doing things for everyone else in this house, yet when I need something it's like pulling teeth to get it..and i still don't get it after begging. It's getting harder for me to care about what my parents want from me when they really don't care enough about what I need. I need my toes fixed because they've grown so deep in my skin it hurts even more than it should to stand for 6 hours at school. The doctor they sent me to was in and out in less than 5minutes and gave me pills that didn't work...so I stopped taking them after 2 weeks of no results..When mom found out her response was "You just didn't wanna take them because they'll cancel out your birth control" Okay, A. I would think after two weeks with no relief in the pain you'd stop taking them to. B. Does she see me as a slut or something.? I dunno..but it really hurt my feelings..and it's comments like that that happen on a daily basis here. And sometimes I ask for someone to watch Cayle for 20 minutes..long enough for me to have a shower..but even thats too much to ask "Take him in the shower with you." "You could get a shower if you really wanted one." I need to get more hours at school. "I don't want Stacey watching the baby because I would have to pay her" I'm at school for 5 hours..I get hungry. I usually take something with me to eat at school because I'm always broke and dont have the money to eat out like everyone else. Today..we didnt have anything I could take. "You have vegetarian stuff in the freezer" It was all stuff I didn't eat anymore. "Then don't complain about being hungry."...I hadn't eaten since 10 this morning. I had a horrible headache and shaky hands all through school. I couldn't take it. I'm tired of being called a slacker..I'm tired of being told I don't do enough..I'm tired of putting everyone else before myself..The only person's needs I feel should be before my own are Cayle's needs. And that's how its always been. I feel like my family wants me to jump through hoops just to get something I need..or something Cayle needs. I feel like an eighth of a person because of all the stress I'm put under..all the stress of not having a job so not only I could do more for Cayle..but I wouldnt have to depend on people that I can't depend on..people who like to hold things over my head..and turn things around on me to make me look like the bad person in an argument. My mother had the nerve to tell me tonight "I've taken all the abuse I;m gonna take from you tonight.." When I was in a bad mood from being sent to school hungry and broke..My family doesn't acknowledge me when I walk into a room..they don't even stop to look up. I hardly ever have more than a quarter of a tank of gas in my car..that makes one round trip to school..then its time to fill up again..I don't have the money to do it..I had to scrape together change to make it to school and back today..I'm tired of feeling this way..I just wanna be able to do it all to where I would never have to ask my stuck up family for another cent. My mother is the type who likes to 1 up people. She likes to show off her money, her cars, her house, and Cayle..like he's a freaking trophy or something..everything is just an extension of herself to her. It never occurs to her that Cayle and I are living people with our own feelings..we aren't her money we arent her fancy car. But she doesn't care..she loves to make me look like the bad mom. We're finally having people put a new roof on our house so i wont get rained on when it rains outside..She was 'bragging' to the construction worker about how she has to take care of Cayle for the next 5 hours..she didnt mention that I was going to be at school for those next 5 hours..she made it sound like I was going out to party. I take Cayle with me pretty much everywhere I go. I never leave him if I don't have to. I came hme tonight and the first thing I did was throw something in the micrwave so it could cook while I got Cayle from my dad. Mom had the nerve to say "Erica, aren't you going to come in here and say hi to your family..and hi to your child.??" I'm not a bad mom. I take good care of Cayle and I know it..but their comments tend to poison my mind at times. They make me feel like a bad kid. I havent done anything wrong since I was young. I feel like an adult..and they insist on pushing me on my butt and treating me like I'm two..I feel like I cant win..I really dont know anymore...

Family Tradition Possibilities.

I decided to make a list of possible family traditions I want to share with Cayle.

A yearly trip to Rock City's enchanted rock gardens to see the lights. Complete with warm drinks and a picture with santa.

Gingerbread houses and cookies.

Annual Christmas ornaments (thanks to the ideas from christina and miss mommy mays :) )

Jack-o-lanterns.

Making our own scarecrow.

Family movie nights.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving Day.

Scrapbooks for each year of his life. [[this one I really wanna do]]

Going to eat after church as a family.

Family portraits.

Possibly a second trip to Rock City to see the beautiful colors in Autumn.

Weekends to Gatlinburg.

Ketners Mill.

County Fair.

Studying together when he gets in school..but still making time for fun.

Watching a tv show we both enjoy everytime it's on.

Fireworks on the 4th.

Big meals on holidays.

Favorite meals for bad days.

Coloring together on rainy days.

Reading a book after bathtime and before bed.

thats all i've got so far...i'll think of more hopefully.

Family Oriented..

Whenever I'm with Adam, or a close friend, I always notice how family oriented everyone is. I notice how they make Cayle and me right at home. I notice how often they have family get-togethers and how close they are...I never notice that with my family. Nobody ever wants to sit together and watch a movie or go to dinner or anything like that..Everyone's schedule is different from everyone elses so Cayle and I are home alone about 94% of the time. The only time I really see my family spending time together is Christmas day..and Christmas eve. Almost every weekend I'm with Adam, the whole family goes to church together then everyone goes to his grandmother's house for lunch/dinner. Then everyone sits around and talks and plays with Cayle while Adam and I either watch him play or cuddle up together on the couch. Whenever I'm at Alliea's (she's a very close friend of mine. We've known each other since 7th grade.) I automatically feel the warmth of a home-y home especially around christmas time. I feel like a memeber of the family there. Everyone's always in the family room. Playing with her nephew, watching a movie, or eating dinner. I guess it's just nice to see a family who really shows their love for each other rather than just saying it. I want Cayle to have a close knit family with lots of neat traditions. Even if its as simple as a Sunday morning breakfast together. Or opening one present Chrismas eve. I'm not gonna lie..it's really quiet here at home with just Cayle and me. I've grown used to it, but that doesn't mean I like it. During the week it's like tag team with mom. When she comes home, I have to leave for school. Dad works all the time. He's gone from 6 in the morning to usually 9 at night some days..and others he's home at 5. My brother is at school practicing football until 6 and in bed by the time I come home. We never do much of anything together. I dunno..the point is..I want Cayle to understand the true meaning or family. It doesn't matter who's in it [biologically i mean] or the size..its love. and I know he'll have all the love and open hearted-ness from me he could ever ask for. Unconditionally.

Things that make me feel better..

thats my favorite one of the two of us.
but anyways...
things that make me happy.
Cayle and Adam, my family.
Visiting friends that im a member of the family too.
acoustic music a.k.a. goo goo dolls.
coloring.
reading.
hats.
boots.
christmas atmosphere.
christmas trees.
gingerbread.
hoodies.
fall.
winter.
wrestling with adam....and winning.
playing with cayle and his toys.
hair cuts.
hair color.
buying things for my apartment.
having the money to spoil cayle.
pictures.
scrapbooks.
coloring books.
sidewalk chalk.
playgrounds..with cayle.
surprise txts.
good music.
adam's jokes.
being able to vent to christina.
having someone spoil me for once..even if its just washing my hair.
piano music.
journaling/blogging.
movies..preferably disney.
holidays.
rock city.
aquarium.
dreaming of the day i finally get to boston.
halloween.
boys like girls.
funky sunglasses.
frozen coffee.
caramel lattes.
cayle's reactions to new things.
family dinners at adam's family's houses.
church with adam's family.
petville on facebook.
doing things on my own without help.
hair school.
getting alot of hair done in one night.
yoga pants.
youtube.
disney world.
the zoo.
singing.
drawing && it turning out perfect.
painting.
IMing my lovely victoria. <3
going out to lunch occasionally.
a clean room.
being home alone with Cayle.
working on Cayle's baby book.
cuddling with Adam.
watching movies with Adam while we
fight over the chocolate turtles in our
shared pint of turtle tracks ice cream.
laying in his arms while he runs his fingers
through my hair.
talking about our wedding.
talking about moving in together.

ill add to this later..i just wanted to start it.
:)

Just when I thought it was as bad as it could get..

it gets worse. I clean. I cook. I take care of my child. I go to school. I spend time with my boyfriend. I'm doing all I can do..but yet it's still not enough for my family..I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be good enough for them. I big part of me seriously doubts it. I can't please everyone. I put everyone else's needs before my own. Sometimes..I don't even get to eat or a shower each day because I stay so busy. I'm taking care of cayle, I'm ceaning, studying for a test, helping my boyfriend get where he needs to go [not that i mind], and honestly i dont know how much more i can do. nobody gives a crap about how i feel. or what i want or need. adam is pretty much the only one happy to see me anymore. my patience with my family has worn thin..and honestly..the only thing i wanna do is just cry..ive cried and cried for days now because all the pressure to be perfect all the time has literally crushed me..i really dont know anymore..i have no options...and im really at a loss for words..

I can't take much more..

I'm so tired of living at home. Granted..I dont pay bills but..I'm not happy here anymore. I ask for something that I NEED..not want..but need..and its like nobody here cares enough to help me. I need more hours at school..but nobody will watch cayle for me until four. I CANT be another year without a job. I just cant do it. I'm given barely enough money to keep my head above water. My car is pretty much almost always out of gas..and it would get better gas mileage if someone would get it fixed for me.But that need is looked right over. It takes me breaking down in east jesus nowhere before someone will even look up or pay attention long enough to help me..Nobody in this house even knows I'm here. Nobody says anything to me when I leave or come home. Nobody asks how I am or how my days been. I do NOTHING but clean and take care of Cayle and clean some more. I never hear a thank you or a compliment on the house..nothing. I dont have much of anyone left to talk to..my friends are out living their lives with their kids or doing the whole...'going away to college thing.' It really breaks my heart when I think about it..so like everything else I just keep it all inside..It's like the only thing I have that's going right is my relationship with adam..and his relationship with cayle. Adam and I are talking more and more about moving in together and it shows me how serious he is about it. I just wish it could be sooner because not only would I be able to live my life and make more of my own choices..I could help adam get to and from work. His car broke down last week. His family won't help him. My dad was going to sell him the jeep..but it wont even start. I took him to easy auto..and he found a car he likes..affording another bill is a totally different story. His roommate is a complete jackass. He spends his entire paycheck on his totally ditzy girlfriend and clothes he doesnt need. He wont buy his own food. He eats all of adam's. He cant even make rent this month. And he said to adam "you know, erica would be hotter than my girlfriend if she lost alot of her weight." My weight has been a constant struggle for me ever since I was four years old. I honestly see myself as a fat cow. And the only time I was really happy with how I looked..was when I didnt eat much of anything. people may compliment me on how I look..but honestly..it doesnt help. no, im not digging for compliments or anything..this is the cold hard truth. I cant take much more..I just need a way out that lasts for more than a few hours....I've decided to not eat after noon each day and drink nothing carbonated..I dont know what else to do..for the first time in a long time im at a loss for words.

It's party time. :D

I feel a little more accomplished than I have felt in a while. Over the past week, I've cleaned the house from top to bottom in order to earn the money for Cayle's party decorations. Today, I went out and bought most of them. I still need streamers, table cloths, confetti, plastic forks and spoons, and invitations. Maybe other stuff, but that's just the basics. I got mostly everything before it was picked over and sold out. I got tons of great deals. I decided to do treat bags. Although, I'm not sure what to put in them since there is going to be a wide age range of kids there. I'll be sure to put a little of everything in them so everyone has something. I also bought the first thing for mine and adam's apartment. I got a floor lamp. Its 71 inches tall. It was only 6 dollars. I thought it was a good deal. I also got Cayle another present. Its a tonka truck. I got him the green dump truck. He loves my friend's nephew's trucks. I decided to get him his own. At school, I've already gotten over a hundred hours. I'm working hard at school to get everything done in time. I've only been for a month and I can roll perms, foil, color, and thermals (a.k.a. curling iron and flat iron), and wax. I'm already trying to build my clientele, looking into salons, and acing my tests. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I feel like I'm doing more than I was. I want to try to put in more hours if I can. I'll do what I have to. I'm pushing hard and you know what.? I love feeling like I'm doing something productive with my time.

I just need to rant.

Normally, I'll keep things bothering me to myself. Or I'll talk with one close friend about it. But I just need to vent a little of my anger. I stay busy from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. Cayle wakes me up in the morning crying or talking to his teddy bear around 9:00..which isn't a bad time to wake up. I'm not complaining about that. I change his diaper and feed him his breakfast. After he's taken care of I make my breakfast and answer my emails. Then the rest of the day consists of taking care of Cayle or doing things OTHER people ask me to do or school work. I'm busting my a** trying to get done in time to move out. Which leaves me hardly anytime between 9:00 and 4:00 p.m. to do the things I need. Like showering, doing my hair, painting my nails ( I know that one isn't exactly a NEED, but I'd like to feel pretty), taking a nap, relaxing with a book..ANYTHING. And everyone around me just overlooks it like 'Oh well, Erica could do more if she tried harder." How can I do that for me when I'm always doing everything for everyone else.? Sometimes the only way I can make sure my hair is washed is if I ask someone at school to wash it for me. And if they don't care to straighten it for me. I just don't like not being able to have a shower every day. I feel gross. I know I'm gross. It's not going to get any easier when Cayle starts walking. He doesn't nap often during the day so I can't take a shower while he sleeps. I'm home alone during the day soo nobody can watch him. And when I don't have school and ask someone to watch him for 20 minutes they're tooo tired or they will later but later never comes. I know I'm probably overreacting, but like I said..I just needed to vent. And all the cleaning I do for about three hours a day goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I never hear 'thank you' or anything like that. My family has hardly two words to say to me now that I think about it. I come in from a day out with Cayle and nobody says 'Hi Erica, did you have fun.?' They act like I'm not even in the room. They run straight to Cayle and talk to him. I can go out of the room and they wouldn't notice. I DON'T blame Cayle, and I'm not jealous of him. I don't resent him at all. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I don't matter. Like I'm just the maid of the house. Nobody in this house takes my feelings into consideration at all. I'm looked at as lazy and all I'm good for is cleaning. I'm tired of having to depend on them. I want to move out now. Adam is happy to see me and always acknowledges both of us are in the room. That goes for his family as well. Why is it so hard for my family to do that.? Why does my family not take my needs into consideration.?? My car needs fixing. Its needed it since I freakin' got it 2 years ago.!!!!!!!!! My gas mileage sucks and since I cant work and go to school I'm always having to ask for money. Cayle's needed a new carseat for over a month. My roof needs fixing. It's needed it since last year. I need to put in more hours at school and nobody seems to wanna help me there. Am i just overreacting or can anyone else see why I'm upset.? Why I feel like I don't matter.? Why I feel like I'm no good.?

I don't exactly know what to call this one. :)

I want to get Cayle these for his birthday. There are soo many cute ones. Maybe I could get him a couple and then get the rest for Christmas as stocking stuffers.? I dunno. I just want him to have those. My friend Brittney showed me some halloween decor at the dollar tree. It was the kind of stuff I was looking for. Not only was it for a great price, but it wasn't scary blood and guts stuff. I want the cute smiling ghosts and frankenstein etc.. For center pieces I want pumpkin pails of halloween candy or maybe skulls or something. I haven't decided. But the colors are going to be purple, orange, and black. I would like to do fake spider webs and confetti. I haven't completely decided on whether or not to do treat bags, but once i figure out the guest list I suppose that will help me make the decision. I still have to think about invitations too. There is soooo much to plan just for that party. Not to mention what I wanna do with him on his actual birthday. I kinda know what I wanna do with him on his birthday. A day to the aquarium and out to lunch. He may not understand the concept of it, but its the time I spend with him that counts. Over the past weekend, Christina, Chris, and Grace met Adam for the first time. We all had a great time laughing and having a day out. Adam wants us all to hang out more. I'm glad he can get along with some of my friends. Christina and Chris could not get over how good of a daddy Adam is to Cayle. Adam showed me his 'Cayle Box' over the weekend. He keeps pictures and little keepsakes in the box. He writes him letters too. He won't let me read them. He says they're for Cayle when he gets a little older. I can respect that. It's amazing how fast those two have gotten so close. Adam and I are talking more and more about our apartment together. We've even gotten a list going of the kind of things we'd like to have and the basics we need. I think the hardest part will be telling my parents that their grandchild is moving in with his mommy and his daddy in a home so we can do this for real. Be a real family. Complete with dinner at the table and picture perfect holidays. I'm excited. And i'm gonna give everything I've got to making this new and happy life for cayle, adam, and me. :)

Life as of Lately..again. :)

...yup. im a blonde now. :) i started school almost a month ago and I love it.!. I'm making a lot of friends and some have kids so I have someone to relate to. I'm putting in as many hours as possible to try to get out early..becauuuuseeee..drum roll please..Adam and I plan to move out august 2011. :D I've already learned how to do so much. And today I'm learning how to do foiling highlights. Adam and I are doing better than ever. We had a great weekend this past weekend. Friday we chilled at his apartment with Cayle. Saturday was out date night. We had a picnic in the park, got ice cream, and watched south park. It was so much fun. Recently, I've gotten closer to my friend, Alliea. We've gotten to where we hang out often and making more plans each week. I've been doing a lot of planning for Cayle's birthday and I plan on going shopping for decorations and more presents soon. I saw tons of things I thought Cayle would love. :)I go to school 4 days a week for 5 hours. And I'm trying to make it to where I can go in 5 days and put in more hours. I'm so excited to think getting my own place is closer than I thought it would be. I've already started looking for the best prices on things and buying what I can. My mom is also talking to her friend about getting me a job as a receptionist at a hair salon..her salon. :) I really hope I get it, but I'm not counting on it. Cayle is nine months old today. It's amazing how fast he's grown up. It's also hard to believe Adam has been around him for almost an entire year. And he hasn't even missed a milestone. I'm so happy with him. I love my little family. It may be different from others, but there is a lot of love. I feel like I'm getting somewhere now with life. Like, I'm doing something to better myself, and to make a better life for my son and myself. I feel like I've grown so much in the past year. And I can only hope that things continue to head in the right direction.

Blogging just to blog. :)

I've got a lot going on. Over the past couple of days, I've helped Adam move into his new place. He has more space and he seems a lot happier. I love seeing that. Cayle and I stayed the night with him last saturday night. It was fun. That night Cayle got a little fussy before bed so we decided to go riding until he fell asleep. People were shooting fireworks on the lake. It was actually a really romantic kind of night. Cayle was asleep. We held hands and watched the fireworks while we listened to all the sweet songs on my ipod. Including 'Two is better than one.' 'Check Yes Juliet'. And many more. We're getting closer and closer by the day and honestly, I couldnt' be happier. I spent the 4th with him and his family. We went to church and then to his grandmother's house for lunch. That night I had to go home so Cayle could get a bath. We watched fireworks on my front porch. I enjoyed spending quality time with him. Yesterday, my dog died. She was 11. :[[ She had a tumor and it ruptured. I hated seeing her suffer. But she's in a better place now. Tomorrow I'm going to the Carter's outlet to get Cayle some new clothes. He's growing up on me. It's so sad, but also very happy at the same time. Which brings me to another point. I've decided to do a Halloween/costume party for Cayle's first birthday. He was due October 30th, but he came November 3rd. Birthdays NEVER fall on a weekend so I wanna have the party for family and friends the weekend before his birthday, and on his actual birthday I wanna do something special with him. Maybe I can take him to the aquarium. Or maybe the creative discovery museum. I just wanna do something to show him how much I love him. Also, I've been thinking about school. I need a job now. I found a school I could go to August to December and be done. It's fast paced and the money is good. My need for money cannot wait. So maybe hair school will have to be put on hold..for about 5-6 years.For medical billing and coding I could work from home, and when I really look at it..hairschool and the career itself isn't on Cayle's schedule at all. And I wanna do what's best for him. So medical billing and coding may need to be what I look into instead. I just feel like I don't have much time at all. I'm already stressed out and school hasn't even began. Ugh.

Taking the steps to bettering myself and getting my life started.

I posted a blog a few weeks ago about how I was ready to start my life and to better myself. Well...I'm getting there. I got my car fixed..after it finally died on me. Thanks for that firestone. x[. Now I'm enrolling in hair school today. I'm going to go full time so I can get out faster. I want more than anything for my goals and dreams to be a reality. I'd give anything to see it. I want Cayle to be proud of his mommy. I want to finish school. Get in a salon. Get my place with Adam. And we can raise Cayle. Be a real family. I'm starting a hope chest. I'm going to start buying for the apartment between now and the time we move in. That way we'll have almost everything. I'm getting the basics. Sheets..towels..kitchen supplies..etc. Even when I don't want to..I know I have to keep going if I want to embrace my chance at a happy life. I've said it before..taht the worst part of my life is over. I'm much happier. I just wanna be able to make my life reflect how I feel. I want to make something of myself. So my list is this. Whenever I meet a goal I'll put an X beside it.

[X] got my car fixed.
[X] enroll in school.
[X] buy for the apartment. [i bought a lamp to start out.]
[ ] graduate from school.
[ ] Get in a salon.
[ ] find an apartment.
[ ] move in.
[ ] marry Adam.

Im surprising Adam this weekend with a picnic in the park. Wish me luck.

Overcoming My Final Demon.

Since my last relationship with Cayle's sperm donor..I've been battling with a demon I guess you could say. I couldn't give someone my full trust..let alone my heart. I wanna say now..that i'm no longer figting the demon. I can love now without fear. I can trust again. And its so scary..but so comforting at the same time. I needed to know I wasn't a puppet on strings again..but all at once I realized how far Adam has gone for me..and how much he truly cares. I swear it hit me all at once. I wasn't doing anything to trigger the thought..i was making bottles..and I thought to myself..i'm not being strung along..i'm not miserable..im actually happy..adam has gone above and beyond for me..I can love without fear. I needed this. I needed to know that I wasn't going to fear being in love. I'm not going to lie..I've fallen HARD for adam. harder than I have for ANYBODY..that includes the biological father of my son. I cant express..how much i needed to know that true love existed. and that i could have something so special..something not based on lies..i feel truly blessed to have my son..and now the love of my life. i feel needed..and loved. i needed to feel like i mattered..and that i wasnt just here for no reason..and i do now. my son needs me..and adam and i need each other. i have no more battles left to fight. i always say..it cant rain all the time..bring on the sunshine.