I really need to get all of this off of my chest..and this is the only way I know how. So fair warning..this is a 'me complaining' blog.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how close I am to being a college graduate and how it's almost time to get into the 'real' world. And as excited as I am to be my own family with Cayle..I'm scared as to how difficult being a single mom will actually be. I will have zero help when I leave home. No help cleaning. No help cooking. No help watching Cayle. No help with money. And that scares me. I can handle everything else but having only one income and not knowing what to do with Cayle while I work scares me more than anything. I'm scared I won't be able to afford daycare or that I won't be able to find anyone who can keep him during the day for me. I'm frustrated that it'll take another couple years to get and pay off a car. I think I've finally decided on a KIA due to the fact their payments and approvals are so flexible. And I know Daddy wants me to get an American made car, but what if I can't afford their payments.?? What if I like the KIA and the KIA payments work better with my budget. I was looking for apartments today just to get an idea on where I could afford to live. And what I liked. I found a 2 bedroom apartment that I liked for 520 a month, and if I wanted a dog it would be an extra 10 dollars a month. Only problem...it's less than 5 minutes from Adam's apartment. I've proven to myself I can face him and be fine, but living that close to him scares me. He really hurt me emotionally. The names he called me and the things he did to me..and how the entire relationship just drained me is still something I am trying to get over..which..I guess I do okay for the most part but names stick harder than anything he called me things like...fat wh*re, c*nt, fat a**, fatty, b*tch, a horrible parent. He told me he hated me on several occasions, he told me I was lazy, he told me I was a bad mom because I didn't have a real job, he told me I wouldn't make it, he told me he was just waiting for our relationship to fail. He posted VIA Facebook a huge lie about me sleeping with 5 different guys..which I never did. So therefore I had no other choice but leave facebook. And I'm too scared to make a new one. It still hurts me. But I try to be strong and keep going every day. I want more than anything to better myself to the point of where it's a smack in the face to him. I want to look good, feel good, have better than him just so I can say 'look at me now and look what I did without you'. I hate him. And I try not to hate. But there are 2 people in this world I cannot stand. They're vile enough to make a nun swear. But it's just frustrating. I found an apartment I liked a little further away but its 645 a month. And I don't know if I could afford that and live comfortably. Not only would I have rent but I would also have to think about utilities, health insurance, car insurance, groceries, gas, holidays, birthdays, other needs..all on one income.??? Is that even possible.? I don't even know anymore. I'm waiting until I get my new paid off or close to paid off before I even think about moving out. I just wish I had a better plan. The only plan I have is to save up at least 3 months worth of rent before I move so I will have that sense of security if I ever get in a bind. So that means putting back about...1560 before I move. While trying to get house supplies. I just don't want to end up like my sister. My sister is married with 3 kids. She hasn't worked in 13+ years and depends on my 82 year old grandmother to pay the bills and uses her cars. My grandmother does not work. She gets a retirement check in the mail. And some nights she sits and home all by herself and eats CRACKERS for dinner because my sister uses all her money.!! And I'm sorry but that pisses me off.!! Because my sister just acts oblivious to the fact that she uses all of my grandmother's money. And I will be damned if I ever put my child in a situation where I can't pay our bills or provide for him. I'll work my fingers to the bone before that happens. It's a whole different story when you're the only parent. It's like your mom and dad. Which I don't mind. Because I love being able to do whatever I want with Cayle. I like being able to spend all the time I can with him and us being able to do our own family thing. I ENJOY being a single mom. I like being able for it to be just us..it's kind of...comforting I suppose. But the future scares me...I really don't know if I'm just making it out to be harder than it actually is..or if I'm getting smacked in the face by this so called real world. I don't know.
I'll tell you one thing though..2012 is going to be all about bettering myself..not only for me..but for Cayle. I'm going to try to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable when summer rolls around and it's time for shorts. I just wanna FEEL pretty. And I don't. I feel like the 19 year old who let herself go after having a baby. I'm getting to be more girly. I mean..I actually do my hair and make up every day now. Whether I want to or not. And I have a dress I like. But..it's not enough for me. I want to lose weight. I want to grow my hair back out. I want to wear more dresses than I do jeans. And it doesn't seem like a hard goal. Biotin makes your hair and nails grow. I can treat myself to a manicure every once in a while. Or a new outfit. I want to use crest white strips to brighten my smile. I just want to make myself over completely. I have a free membership to the YMCA and I intend to use it. I can put cayle in the children's area for a while so I can work out if need be. I'll be getting paid still so I can afford a new dress every once in a while if I want one. As long as Cayle is taken care of first, I intend to take care of myself too. A happy mommy is a good mommy. So here goes my journey to better myself. When the holidays are all over the true journey begins. I'm nervous..
Oh, girl. I can definitely see why you are so nervous! I can't imagine having all that weight on my shoulders. I know Jessie is the only one that works in our family, but that means I am free to do the daycare, the maid work, be the accountant. It is tough to think you will have to do it all. I think if you make sure they you are all set before you move, then you should be okay. Make sure you have a exact budget written out, no surprises. Make sure you have everything you need for your house and have money put back like you were saying. It might even help if you take two to three months and "pay yourself" what you would be paying for bills to see how it works out. And then put it all back in savings that way you will have all that money just in case. I wish Jessie and I would have done that, had at least 3 months worth of bills in the bank when we moved, but we were too anxious. If we would have done that, I would not have worried myself sick about weather or not he was going to get laid off, because we had nothing, maybe a few hundred dollars because we put back a hundred a month, but that wasn't even enough to pay the rent. We had a good chance to get ourselves set up perfect, but we were too anxious.
ReplyDeleteI am sure all will go well for you. You are a very ambitious person. You set goals and you seem to go for them until you get there.
As for becoming a girly girl, that's great. I Love dresses. :) You are right though. It took me awhile to figure it out, but a happy Mommy is a good Mommy.
Good Luck, Girl!